What’s
worse – Waterboarding or bamboo shoots under the fingernails? Lindsay Lohan’s
coke habit or her mom’s fame habit? The third act of Batman Begins or the
Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade?
These are
the types of moral dilemmas that we all wrestle with every day. I have a new
personal one: Tyler Perry embarrassing black people with his cartoonish,
cross-dressing, sermonizing comedies or Tyler Perry embarrassing black people
with his horribly-acted and overwrought attempts at “drama”? I used to think I wanted
to the guy to spread his wings a bit and use his clout and wealth to show that
mainstream black filmmakers are capable of more than 1-2-3 romantic comedies
and gospel play-adapted movies. Now…I’d be fine if he got into crystal meth
(Crack is wack, y’know. If Whitney says it, it must be true), bought lots of
guns, and disappeared into his mammoth Atlanta-area estate for a few decades or
so. It certainly couldn’t make him a worse
writer/director…
The
reason for my bile this morning: The new
trailer for his humbly-titled Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married?.
If the guys behind that rancid Date/Epic/Scary Movie business ever decided to turn their attention to
contemporary black films and their clichés, the trailer for their flick would
look a lot like this. Lessee here…c-list actors who somehow get name-checked at
the end of the trailer even though maybe a fifth of them have recognizable
names? Check. Same voiceover guy for every black film yapping for the entire
two minutes? Check. Random scenes of high-school caliber “dramatic” outbursts?
Cheeeee-yek. Gospel choir caterwauling in the latter half? But, of course. And
to cap things perfectly it ends like this:
(Generic urban
film voiceover guy): “Tyler Perry and Lionsgate Films invite you to yadda,
yadda, yadda…Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married…..because at some point…everyone
asks….”
Michael
Jai White: “Why did I get married?”
(Generic
urban film voiceover guy): “Written and directed by Tyler Perry.”
What the
fuck? Is this motherfucker Denny Crane now? His name appears in the trailer no
less than five times. Anyway, click here
to enjoy the mediocrity for yourself. If anyone asks, I’m Brazilian when this
hits theaters on October 12.