What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. The Stephen Dorff Gymnasium.
“One…Two…Three… Four, BREATHE! One…Two…Three… Four, BREATHE! Hey, who are you?“
2. Christ is a huge Lily Tomlin fan.
Photo by Drew Dietch.
Bedtime Prayerbook, $14.97.
Spare copy in case first Bedtime Prayerbook immolates, $14.97.
Seeing through the bullshit, PRICELESS.
3. Joanna Doesn’t Kern.
Photo by Marc Pilvinsky.
Ahhhh, Shakespeare.
To interpret this petroleum missive is to come face-to-face with one’s own psyche, never to recover. It speaks that apologies are fleeting, words in the air that lose meaning upon contact and suffering generation loss with each moment like a tape dubbed thrice too many times. It tells us that there is always a reckoning. We never survive our mistakes and we are never in the clear, prey to our quirks and desires and misspent longings. Our penalty will be great and we will pay, some sooner than others but all will face the relentless gong of finality. It tells us that we internalize too much, dealing with the challenges faced to us within ourselves where it takes root and burgeons malignant offspring. It speaks of the past, the present, and the future in a microcosm. Our life in the balance, the vacuum sucking at us and threatening to poop in our mouth and run off giggling.
4. Watch Keith Olbermann Buttfuck!
Photo by Michael Petrosky.
The Post Debate Anal from the 2000-1 election lasted eight years.
5. “Dan, You Have Bible Breath.”
Photo by Nick Wesley.
Do the people that would buy mints and gum wrapped in scripture NEED it? I mean, if they’re that far into their faith that they’ll choose gum by what the wrapper reads [Bazooka Joe the Bible ain’t, let’s face it], then they probably know the Good Book [3 out of 5 stars] backwards and forwards. If it truly was Christian Gum [HALO NAME!], it should feature the addresses to halfway houses and poor neighborhoods instead of Bible verses. Maybe the location of a pound that has a high kill rate, so the chewer can do Christian things rather than just stew in the words and memorize them instead of putting them to use.
6. This Man Loves Jesus, But Not As Much As Sand.
Photo by Scott Cunningham.
“Dude, our Savior hit the pipe hard tonight, let’s pick him up and get him out of here before the cops come.”
7. A Product of the Shunting Makes Good.
Photo by Steve Murphy.
8. Thanks to this display, sales are Dublin.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“I have come to the Barnes & Noble to procure Irish Fiction and nothing else!”
9. J.K. Rowling’s secret for making character names revealed!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I’m at the Whole Foods procuring various items to cure me of AIDS of the Knuckle, and I stumble across this battery of interestingly named elixirs. I feel like the place hired Terry Pratchett as head pharmacist, which perturbs me because the world already has too many writers that are too clever for their own good.
What irritated me more was that they were out of both Goblintrodden Slunderbump AND Wartooth Gandersqeak.
10. The least passionate person on Earth.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Oddly cut sticker, boring font, indifferent prose. This person needs a sequel sticker to clarify. Do they prefer Italians over a firing squad, or do they feel Italians offer more sensual options than say… Koreans. If so, I agree. But they simply hold no candle to the red-hot lovers known as Guams (that’s what they’re called right? Or is it Guambos? Guamamalans? Guammi Bears?).
What a bored fuck owns this car. Why even have a sticker? They’re obviously not that proud of their choice of an Italian fuckmate, yet they’re also not going to have prospective Guidos banging down their door thanks to this benign advertisement. God, I hate this person.
11. The most passionate person on Earth.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Then there’s this guy, who screams the most generic instruction of all time at us as he slowly speeds away in his Ford Escort. What he’s saying is this:
Shoulda done the salad, Sidebottom.
12. Kevin Hunderson, America’s #1 Point Blank Sniper.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Remember how we (people older than 30) were riveted by video games in arcades and the balance of the newness of it all coupled with our own imaginations filling the blanks made for such special times? Now look at HIM. Asshole kid robot.
“I sit at screen and hold weapon to screen to avoid margin of error. And excitement. I also do not smile or brush hair for it interferes with illusion of alien pointyscalp. I hate challenge almost as much as deer. I shoot deer in face at point-blank range. BZZZZEEEEEEP GLOOOOP MALFUNCTION HAPPENS!”
13. “I am mean-spirited and love to cook for you!”
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
They must have fired this guy from the tattoo shop. How do you get fired from a tattoo shop? Accidentally demonstrating subtlety?
14. Friends don’t let friends load friends.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I disagree. Everything went perfectly according to plan.
15. Princess Fiona’s on the rag.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I personally don’t find Polly Holliday that unattractive.
16. Which one is my MLB: The Show Character?
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Frank Leone, trapped in AA ball, weeps.
17. 0-Scripture in 4.5 seconds flat.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
How many highway fatalities are there a year when people who read slowly crash as a result of these trucks? The correct answer is Natural Selection.
By the way:
“I got to hide and find the Easter Egg!”