Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Installment Five.
Installment Six.
Installment Seven.
Installment Eight.
Installment Nine.
Installment Ten.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
Everyone gets the books that The Sharper Image and Brookstone and Toys ‘R Us and Adam & Eve send out, but there’s no really helpful holiday gift guide for that special someone in your life if that special someone is a horrible cunt.
This is that guide.
1. Male Alien w/Vagina
Because we’re all obviously still on the fence on whether aliens exist I’ll give you a little bit of help. They exist.
But I hope for the sake of D.B. Sweeney that they don’t look like the gentleman with a pussy to the right here. I don’t mind superintelligent creatures from beyond arriving to claim/harvest/stab us, I really don’t. We’ve earned their wrath. I am extremely livid at the idea of these guys arriving with a little meat beak down there.
That said, I think we’re safe. Nothing that looks like Brian Peppers that has long fingers and a vagina is leaving their home, let alone homeworld.
That said, many online vendors would be more than happy to sell you a four foot tall dickless malien.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Gray Alien? More like GAY ALIEN if you know what…
- Roland Orzabal’s gonna be pissed they used his likeness without permission.
- No one’s buying copies of my Alien Biopsy video.
- It’d be cool if they shipped these online orders in real UFO’s.
- I cannot live in fear of anything that can’t wear a cowboy hat.
- From their ad: "Goes great with Hangar-18!".
Let’s assume a child flew out of your wife’s danglers at least partially because of your muddy thumping from months previous. You’d feel paternal, right? Want to keep that little gloom nugget happy? Get them clothes that embody both your grit as a Kreator and your standards as a person of good taste.
So why not get them an infant crawler that signifies them as a possible heir to Satan’s throne? I mean why the fuck not?
It worked for Skyler Danzig and Hunter LeVay and Brie Ezulbub.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Somehow, knowing that there’s a style of clothing called a crawler comforts me…
- …unless I’m Ron Kovic.
- WARNING: Kids who wear these will not know your name when they see you in Heaven.
- This is beating your kids with cloth. This is a roundhouse kick of cloth at your child’s soft, malleable features.
Sometimes my daily searches of Ebay looking for KKK related merchandise bears fruit.As the story goes, the person selling this item found this piece of early-1900 artwork inside the frame of an old photo. That’s a pretty neat story. Almost as neat as a guy selling some of his Klartwork and Klanfic to help finance his invasion of Klansas.
If I were to buy this, I’d probably commission one of my comic book buddies to add word bubbles over these renderings and give the image a distinctly M. Night Shyamalan twist ending.
Klan Pointer: "I said to go into the shed and take your pants off, Slave!"
Slave: "Um, it’s 1997."
I might even splurge on a thought bubble for the third guy.
Klan Kneeler’s Thoughts: "That would explain the Hyundai in my garage."
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Yes, I’m saying that racists drive a Hyundai.
- Guy’s first instinct upon finding this Klanriffic item was "EBAY, Here I Come!".
- If you tilt the image 90 degrees and squint your eyes it’s still racist.
Why own a pet when you can own its dead life cage? Less to feed. Less to pet. Less to have shit on your brand new Uggs.
My problem is that I have to pet a warm thing. I see something with fur and I glide across the room to it. I caress it. I lean in towards its ear and coo to it. Made my visit to the Hedaya household awkward.
I coo. Like a lover or a bundle of soft baby somethingness.
There’s no time in a skeleton’s day for cuddling. The bones are brittle, sharp against my moisterized forearms. This is an item for the cold and moisture free.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- At one point in time this thing was running at full speed while growling.
- It’d be cool to get tons of these and place them around the woods near your home and then take a girl there on the condition that she takes a few gulps of your X-Ray sauce beforehand.
- I want to compete with this vendor so bad. I think I might sell all the other parts of these animals in a bag.