When the first Transformers came out two years ago it was a huge smash blockbuster hit. Everyone saw it. You, your grandma, your local politicians, your high school principal, and your dog all paid ten bucks to watch a giant robot turn into a car and piss on John Tortortro’s head.

But the whole thing was nothing more than a cynical bet my executive producer (George Lucas) and I (Sam Strange) had with Steven Spielberg. “How much stoopid will audiences accept?” We thought we’d made a pretty darn stupid movie which no one could possibly watch without feeling talked-down to, but audiences came in droves. We won the bet’s ass off and now own the rights to remake Jaws.

Naturally we had to do a sequel. And as we worked on the script, a morbid curiosity took over. Exactly where was the audience’s stoopidity threshold? We obviously came nowhere near it with the first film, hard as we’d tried. This time, we were gonna go for broke.

In the first Transformers, Shyah Lapoof portrayed the ultra coolnerd Sam Winkwinky whom we watch come of age in the best conceivable way possible: by getting a Transformer Camaro and a girlfriend who represents an almost alien-level technological leap forward for the sexdoll industry.

But now things have changed. Saving the world and having everything a heterosexual young male could want has gone to Winkwinky’s head and further confirmed my thesis from Spiderman 3: nerd+confidence=asshole. But like Peter Parker, deep down Sam’s a decent guy who wouldn’t act like such a dick if he knew the pain it would eventually cause his car, his girlfriend, his parents, his dog, his other dog, the top of his house, and Egypt.

Meanwhile, in a country called The Dawn of Man, cavemen are fighting some Transformers and winning because there is nothing for them to transform into except people poop. They try this and get stomped.

Meanwhile, in a country called The Moon, astronauts and Martians are fighting some Transformers and winning because there is nothing for them to transform into except moon dust. They try this and get blown into the sun.

Meanwhile in a country called Asia, Charlie Chan, Bruce Lee, and Long Duck Dong are fighting some Transformers and winning because there is nothing for them to transform into except chopsticks. They try this and get eaten.

Optimist Prime and all his cohorts look at these attacks and see a pattern: there have been a lot of attacks lately. He decides to amp up his “take no prisoners-preemptive strike” approach to killing bad cars in the face. After discovering a link between the uprise in bad cars and Sam’s brain, he ask Sam to help the cause by handing over his brain and letting them hump his girlfriend.

Sam refuses because he’s got some serious problems of his own. For one, he left his girlfriend and his car behind when he went to college, and he’s pretty sure she’s getting Auto-humped already. Two, his mother and father keep coming to his dorm, getting high off pot brownies, and telling every girl on campus that he still breast-feeds. Three, his roommate is Fozzy the Bear. Four, the crazy alien hieroglyphics going through his head keep giving him embarrassing nervous breakdowns in the middle of class. Five, his mother has been freezing her breast-milk and sending it in the mail, and it’s just not the fucking same, man.

Before Optimist can apologize for taking Winkwinky’s valuable time, 1,500 robots show up. Optimist violently takes half of them out by slowly ripping off their faces. Sadly, he realizes too late that he’d mostly been killing good cars who came to help him. “Damn my rip faces off first, ask questions later, fighting policy!” With all his helpers dead, the bad robots make short work of killing Optimist Prime in the chest. Sam screams to the Heavens in anguish, “He was my ride home!!!”

Back at college, this really hot girl won’t leave Sam’s Winkwinky alone. He agrees to have sex with her under the condition that she model for his roommate’s porn website. But once they start getting it on, she tries to kill him with her long robot tongue. Apparently, she’s been sent from the future to kill him before he can become the greatest Transformer of all. Luckily, his old girlfriend and car show up to save his ungrateful ass.

At this point, Sam is beginning to see how stuck he is with all this Transformers bullshit. He explains his woes to the audience via a beautiful ballad written by Timbaland. By the time the song ends, Sam is rededicated to the cause. And he’s walked from California to Washington DC.

On the way, he find two characters that have really pissed off left-wing knee-jerking liberals because, as usual, people think any characters with extra style are automatically racist. You know I made The Phantom Menace right? Why would I go down the same road twice? These people are so simple. So I have two characters who call each other “punk-ass,” have funny looking faces, wear gold jewelry, and don’t know how to read. That doesn’t mean they’re black. In actuality they are a testament to how influential African American culture has become to white America. Like Eminem. This is why we named them Martin Luther King Jr. the Third and Malcolm XII. Don’t you people know an homage when you see one?

MLKJ3 and MXII cannot translate Sam’s brain hieroglyphics, but they know someone who can: John Tortortro. After showing us his underwear and farting into the camera (it fogs the lens; oh, the wonders of Industrial Lights and Magic!) he explains that he cannot translate Sam’s brain hieroglyphics, but he knows someone who can.

They promptly run across the street to the Airplane Smithsonian starring Ben Stiller as Amelia Airheart. Inside, Tortortro introduces them to Robot Gandolf. This robot is older than Albert Einstein and twice as useful to the film’s plot. “Sam,” he says. “Your brain hieroglyphics are telling you to go to Egypt, home of the Incas and Mayans. Follow me.” He opens the back door and they emerge into an Egyptian desert. For only ten million dollars we got Steve Martin to dress like King Tut and say, “Welcome to Egypt. And…well EXCUUUUUSE MEEEEE!!!”

But millions of bad cars are waiting for them. MLKJ3, MXII, and Sam’s car do their best to hold them off. This takes them off-frame where they disappear completely. Instead, we watch Sam and his girlfriend run across exploding sand dunes. You can pretend they’re exploding robot sand dunes if that helps.

Eventually, one of the bad cars jumps on Sam and cuts off his head. Their plan is to punt Sam’s head into outerspace. According to a prophesy which gets mentioned for the first time right now, if the hieroglyphics in Sam Winkwinky’s head touch the sun, the sun will explode and die and everyone on Earth will be cold.

They punt Sam’s head high into the air, but instead of going into outerspace, he goes to Robot Heaven. Optimist Prime and his quadruplet brothers tell Sam he fucked up, but they’ll give him an extra life. Back on Earth, Sam wakes up. He feels weird. A bullet bounces off his head. He looks in a mirror. Holy Shit!!! He’s become a Transformer! His name is now Stinkypinky Prime!

Stinkypinky Prime writes some hieroglyphics in the sand which turns on “invincibility mode”. With this new power in full effect, Stinkypinky Prime starts kicking ass and doesn’t quit until every bad car has been sent to Robot Hell, which is basically a giant freeway filled with bicycles.

Now that he’s the last Prime on Earth, it is Sam’s duty to protect everyone from future bad car attacks. But first, he goes around destroying every college and library ever. Then America makes him President. It’s the happiest ending ever, America! You totally deserve it!

(three stars)

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