Awards don’t matter. Awards don’t matter. Awards don’t matter.
Then why does it still piss me off so much? Here’s a complete list of the nominations, complete with my grumpy opinions:
12 Years a Slave – Great. Deserving.
Captain Phillips – Great. Deserving.
Gravity – Great. Deserving.
Philomena – I’m sure it’s fine.
Rush – Great. Deserving. More people should have seen this.
Picture, Musical or Comedy:
American Hustle – See it Monday!
Her – See it Soon!
Inside Llewyn Davis – Great. Deserving.
Nebraska – I’m sure it’s totally Dern tootin’.
The Wolf of Wall Street – Two weeks!
Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave – Deserving.
Idris Elba, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom – Haven’t seen it.
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips – Terrific.
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club – Everything says this is accurate.
Robert Redford, All Is Lost – Very good work by the human-shaped leatherball.
Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine – Still need to see it.
Sandra Bullock, Gravity – Very good work.
Judi Dench, Philomena – I’m sure she’s adorable.
Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks – Whatever.
Kate Winslet, Labor Day – OK.
Alfonso Curon, Gravity – Yep.
Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips – Yep.
Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave – Yep.
Alexander Payne, Nebraska – I’m sure he did a Dern fine job.
David O. Russell, American Hustle – Cannot wait to see it.
Actor, Musical or Comedy:
Christian Bale, American Hustle – Cannot wait to see it.
Bruce Dern, Nebraska – If he pulled off a role that isn’t rat-like he MUST WIN.
Leonardo DiCaprio, The Wolf of Wall Street – Cannot wait to see it.
Joaquin Phoenix, Her – Cannot wait to see it.
Actress, Musical or Comedy:
Amy Adams, American Hustle – Cannot wait to see it.
Julie Delpy, Before Midnight – Deserved.
Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha – Ha.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said – We’ll see.
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County – We’ll see. I have major doubts.
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips – Good performance.
Daniel Bruhl, Rush – Amazing work.
Bradley Cooper, American Hustle – Cannot wait to see it.
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave – Great work. Equal to Ejiofor.
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club – I hate him so much, but…
Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine – Ok.
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle – Everything I’ve heard says she’s amazing.
Lupita Nyong’o, 12 Years a Slave – She played that slave, right?
Julia Roberts, August: Osage County – I love her so no horse joke.
June Squibb, Nebraska – She exploded on a guy’s chest?
Blue Is the Warmest Color – Saphhic magic!
The Great Beauty – Yawn town.
The Hunt – MADS!
The Past – If it wins we’ll be forced to repeat it.
The Wind Rises – This had better win.
The Croods – How on Earth can this not be horrible?
Despicable Me 2 – How on Earth can this not be horrible?
Frozen – How on Earth can this not be horrible?
Spike Jonze, Her – Undoubtedly.
Bob Nelson, Nebraska – Dernin’ up the charts!
Jeff Pope and Steve Coogan, Philomena – I’m sure it’s adorable.
John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave – Bad third act pacing.
Eric Warren Singer and David O. Russell, American Hustle – CAN. NOT. WAIT.
Alex Ebert, All Is Lost – Nothing like the sound of a face crease.
Alex Heffes, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom – Too soon!
Steven Price, Gravity – Great. Subtle. Great.
John Williams, The Book Thief – Haven’t heard of this composer.
Hans Zimmer, 12 Years a Slave – 12 Years a Great Score?
“Atlas” (music and lyrics by Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion),The Hunger Games: Catching Fire – Suck a fat dick.
“Let it Go” (music and lyrics by Kristen Anderson Lopez and Robert Lopez), Frozen – How on Earth can this not be horrible?
“Ordinary Love” (music by Bono, The Edge, Adam Clayton, Larry Mullen Jr. and Brian Burton, lyrics by Bono), Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom – U2 are musical geniuses! NO THEY ARE NOT.
“Please Mr. Kennedy” (music and lyrics by Ed Rush, George Cromarty, T Bone Burnett, Justin Timberlake, Joel Coen and Ethan Coen), Inside Llewyn Davis – GREAT.
“Sweeter Than Fiction” (music and lyrics by Taylor Swift and Jack Antonoff), One Chance – Huh?
Breaking Bad – Anything else wins, I kill everyone.
Downton Abbey – Great.
The Good Wife – Hey it’s that show no one gives fuck about that is a critic’s darling.
House of Cards – Great.
Masters of Sex – Great.
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad – The best.
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan – The best also.
Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex – Hey look, a best.
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards – So best.
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife – Award magnet.
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black – Orphan is the new Black.
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black – Orange is the new Orphan.
Kerry Washington, Scandal – How is this show so loved?
Robin Wright, House of Cards – BOOM.
Series, Musical or Comedy:
The Big Bang Theory – Seriously, someone needs to execute this show and its stars.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine – I watched it and tried to like it.
Girls – I don’t get it. At all.
Modern Family – I saw an episode for the first time this week. It’s cute.
Parks and Recreation – Solid.
Actress, Musical or Comedy:
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl – I want to pee pee in her, so sure.
Lena Dunham, Girls – KILL IT WITH MAGMA!
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie – Solid.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep – The best. By far.
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation – Solid.
Actor, Musical or Comedy:
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development – Great.
Don Cheadle, House of Lies – Tried to like this show. The opposite happened.
Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show – Resit the urge!
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory – This guy needs to be Tim Treadwelled.
Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine – Nope.
Miniseries or Movie:
American Horror Story: Coven – Fuck American Horror Story.
Behind the Candelabra – Good, but not the greatness I hoped for.
Dancing on the Edge – Huh?
Top of the Lake – Guh?
White Queen – Fuh?
Actress, Miniseries or Movie:
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor – She just can’t not be involved with the name Burton!
Rebecca Ferguson, White Queen – Huh?
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven – OK, she’s great but fuck this show.
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector – She is always amazing.
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake – Guh?
Actor, Miniseries or Movie:
Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra – Great.
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra – Great.
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge – Fuh?
Idris Elba, Luther – Great.
Al Pacino, Phil Spector – OK.
Supporting Actress, Series, Miniseries or Movie:
Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge – She’s still alive?
Janet McTeer, White Queen – I remember when she appeared from nowhere and got nominated and then nowhere happened again.
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville – It’s an honor just to be nominated.
Monica Potter, Parenthood – POTTER IN THE HOUSE!
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family – Adorable.
Supporting Actor, Series, Miniseries or Movie:
Josh Charles, The Good Wife – Josh Charles exists.
Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra – Great.
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad – Great.
Corey Stoll, House of Cards – Ought to win.
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan – The horrible truth about Jon Voight is that he’s a tremendously mediocre, one-note actor these days.