Blind hate is overrated. Focused, intrinsic hate can be fun!
This wasn’t a great year for movies. It was a great year for mainstream movies, but a lot of that is due to drastically reduced expectations and a general malaise towards what cinema represents in 2011. There were a lot of films that could make this list. I was very disappointed by some films, like The Hangover Part II and Paul and I was not blown away by Super 8 or Hugo or Green Lantern. But they don’t deserve to be on this list. Nor does Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, a film no one should have expected anything from other than colors and movement.
What I’ve tried to do is cobble a list of lazy films, movies that sank under their own stupidity, or offend the reputations and filmographies of their participants and creators. Luckily I don’t hate these films as much as some which have come before. But still, it was kind of an asshole year.
Films I did not see and why:
- The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1, because I like Bill Condon and want to keep it that way.
- The Help, because I have a penis.
- Kung Fu Panda 2, because I don’t care how great people say the first one was, my personal life is too short. And fuck pandas.
- Puss in Boots, because Shrek is the worst thing and a spinoff from Shrek is like a comet splitting and killing my pets piecemeal. And I like my puss out of boots.
- The Smurfs, because Peyo sounds like the name of a child murderer.
- Gnomeo and Juliet, because have you seen the title of the film? You know who’s furious about all this? A Gnome named Gnorm.
- Immortals, because Mickey Rourke is a nightmare made flesh and the only director with a one word name who’s worth a damn is Johnfrankenheimer.
- Zookeeper, because talking animals and Kevin James is a cock cocktail.
- Tower Heist, because I NEVER, EVER want to see Alan Alda swimming.
- Justin Bieber: Never Say Never, except now.
- Jack and Jill, because this might finally be the Sandlerkiller I’ve prayed for.
- Spy Kids: All the Time in the World, because Robert Rodriguez offends me to no end in these horrible and gratuitously symbolically bad films. Such a cash grab.
- Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, because Martin Lawrence needs to go jogging in blankets again.
- Larry Crowne, because marketing a film about a bicycle ride is a nightmare.
- A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas, because why would anyone see any of them.
- New Year’s Eve, because this film can kill Judaism.
- Abduction, because Abduction.
- Mars Needs Moms, because Oedipus needs them more.
- Dream House, because it looks like every Asian horror film.
- Straw Dogs, because I get that kind of romance in my regular life.
- Dylan Dog: Dead of Night, it went straight to Viewmaster.
- The Beaver, because I’m tired of Jodie Foster spending all her time around beaver.
- Water for Elephants, because it’s not a Robert Pattinson snuff film.
- Mr. Popper’s Penguins, because…
- Happy Feet Two.
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, because I cannot believe Earth has allowed this.
- I Am Number Four, because it looks like number two.
- Harry Potter BlahBlahBlah, because I lost interest in Harry Potter before part one and managed to watch most of them despite giving less than an ounce of piss about anything that was happening.
- Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family, because there is no worse filmmaker.
- Skyline, because Anonymous.
There are always people who complain in the talkbacks that I didn’t see enough movies to warrant a list, but most if not all of the films above I had enough intelligence and foresight to know to avoid and luckily didn’t have to see them for work. I have worked hard over the years to learn how to not put myself in a position where I’m intentionally setting myself up for hardship. That said, if enough people steer me towards a surprisingly good flick I normally would have avoided I’ll give it a chance, so it’s not like this is an exact science. But, though I have safeguarded myself from a lot of dogshit I still enjoy putting punctuation on the year with a little hate. Some of these films I should have known better about seeing. Some had too much talent not to completely write off.
All are movies I do not need in my life ever again. The same goes for Last Year’s Choices.
10. Red State (Director: Kevin Smith)
AKA: Awwwww He’s Trying! Smods & Monsters. Steaks on a Plane.
Latin: Ut blandit metus sit adultus
Guilty Parties:
Kevin Smith, and the people who blindly defend him.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
There are good performers here delivering good performances. This film is very well cast. For the most part. There are some good moments here. But, the overriding sensation is one of half-cooked ideas and really superficial statements on things we as a remotely intelligent moviegoing public already know, have already seen, and are bored of. But the idea and motive is good, and Smith has made a real movie here. With real camera moves and whatnot. The structure is batshit though.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
There’s good underneath it, so it pisses me off that it’s so disjointed and ill-advised in its execution.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“You don’t understand Kevin Smith’s vision here. He made an uncompromising movie on his own terms and triumphed over [bong hit]. Duuuuuuude, Fuuhhhhhhhh.”
My Rebuttal:
“Go wear Vans and longshortdenimshortlongs.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “See the film that had accounting majors scratching their heads about the business sense of!”
Go ahead and be dumb and buy it.
9. Red Riding Hood (Director: Catherine Hardwicke)
AKA: Piss Pissing Piss. Grimm Rimjob. Stephanie Meyer’s Period.
Latin: omnes sanguinibus tuis tempore fur
Guilty Parties:
The advent of teen goth lit. Dollars. Catherine Hardwicke’s career.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
A movie spoof laughed at over beers at a Burbank watering hole. BUT IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE EVOLVED FROM THERE. God damn you, world.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
It’s not as bad as Twilight, but that’s like saying Idi Amin wasn’t as bad as Hitler. Or a shark eating you alive isn’t as bad as a stingray kicking you into the coral to death.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“j00Z 5U><0R.”
My Rebuttal:
“When you grow up and look back at this time in your life you’ll regret that you’re now old and owning cats and sleeping alone with stuffed animals on the bed. And you’re a GUY.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Does for werewolves what Alive did for not eating people.”
My Movie Microscope.
Why would you buy this from us?
8. Unknown (Director: Jaume Collet-Serra)
AKA: This isn’t Taken! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Latin:i obdormivit haec scribimus
Guilty Parties:
Let me think on thazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzJeroen Krabbe?
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
Pillows. Sheep. Crickets chirping.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“Remember that part where zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
My Rebuttal:
“Yes I zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “It has moving pictures and sounds!”
My Blu-Ray Review.
It’s like Nyquil except harder.
7. Battle:LA (Director: Jonathan Liebesman)
AKA: Bore of the Worlds. Black Hawk Down’s Syndrome. Anal Probe.
Latin: quae a multis ante repeat
Guilty Parties:
Carl Sagan. Thomas Edison. Klaxor Xenoborpf.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
Not this. Basically someone watched Black Hawk Down, War of the Worlds, and District 9 and figured “hey, we can be worse than all these!”. Life’s too short.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
It’s boring bad. The film is well made. There are some good actors in it as well as Michelle Rodriguez. It’s just so bland it hurts, and frankly Aaron Eckhart is too good to have one of his very few chances at headlining a major film be a dog dick this hairy.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“Did you see the way the handheld camerawork accentuated the way the aliens hated us as Americans?”
My Rebuttal:
“Your mother’s all dry inside.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “It’s like Deja Vu all in your back and bottom!”
CHUD Tag Team Review.
This link allows you to abduct this.
6. Cowboys & Aliens (Director: John Favreau)
AKA: High Concept: The Movie. Dances with Why. Placebo Royale.
Latin: leniter innititur res ipsa stultior
Guilty Parties:
Kurtzman. Orci. Comic Books. The West. The Sky.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
It should have been laughed out of Hollywood pitch meetings, frankly. It’s the wrong time and the wrong place and the wrong usage of good talent.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
So forgettable. So damn forgettable. It truly feels like a film that should have been teased at the beginning of Tropic Thunder.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“I like when aliens fight cowboys!”
My Rebuttal:
“I like when they take you in special groups to experience the mall!”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Better than Roughriders & Spacemen, but only barely.”
My Blu-Ray review.
Buy this hunk of shit.
5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (Director: Michael Bay)
AKA: The Pigs of Bay. Robots in Disguise and in Your Ass.
Latin: sex INCUBO malum facit caput meum
Guilty Parties:
Michael Bay. Explosions. Robots. Hasbro. Innocence. Childhood.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
It’s exactly what it could have been. It’s exactly what it should have been. It’s a hurricane of light blowing our tiny town through our gaping asshole.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
It’s Michael Bay being Michael Bay at the most high octane level a Bay can be. He’s just doing what he was built for, sending cinematic shrapnel through our minds into the wall behind us where it pins us like insects on a professor’s study wall.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“Michael Bay makes actions scenes happen like no other director can, his style and technical proficiency are unparalleled and the man is a psychotic genius behind the lens!”
My Rebuttal:
“I agree 100%. Unfortunately there’s more to good than that!”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Like lightning on your dick!”
My Movie Microscope.
Buy this so hookers and blow can continue for filmmaker.
4. The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence (Director: Tom Six)
AKA: Mouth to Ass. Classless Shunting.
Latin: in aciem asellus gustare
Guilty Parties:
Tom Six. Johnny Five.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
Unfinanced, because shitning can’t strike twice. Seriously, how anyone could have thought this “franchise” had any merit or moxie after the first film is beyond me. This was destined for problemtown from the jump.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
Trying too hard bad. It’s one thing to sink under ambition and another entirely to just try and come up with macabre shit to gross people out over. I know there is an audience for this, the same folks who watch the intentionally dark music videos of shitty gothic bands and folks who have enabled so much of this exploitative shit to have a shelf life. At least Serbian Film sort of has an allegorical significance.
I’m not offended by this movie. it’s just a dumb thing.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“You just don’t get what he’s trying to do here, hold a mirror up to society.”
My Rebuttal:
“Yeah, and Brian Yuzna’s pissed!”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “One of the best baby head crushings I’ve seen this year.”
3. Scream 4 (Director: Wes Craven)
AKA: The Last Multiplex on the Left. Life Support for Shitty Actors.
Latin: oportet manum aliquis mortem ante hunc numerum quinque
Guilty Parties:
Wes Craven. Mr and Mrs. Craven for fuckin’. All things Cox and Arquette.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
A pretty cool one film that came out that wasn’t sequelized, so that in twenty years people could say “Wes Craven was almost good again for a few minutes”.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
Really bad. It’s Scream bad, which is really bad but then referential and thinking it’s clever but all of its juice is gone so it’s just really really bad.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“You don’t get it. Every decade needs a Scream film to come and show the genre what’s what.”
My Rebuttal:
“Like when Poison comes back to Six Flags for a concert every [Tom] six or seven years. You’re like “I remember when I was really young and heard this song” and then you see and hear them and you’re like “Man I’m glad I kept evolving.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “Almost as scary as an AT&T bill.”
2. Conan the Barbarian (Director: Marcus Nispel)
AKA: Crom & Misdemeanors. Cimmerian Holocaust. Mars Needs Momoa.
Latin: imusculos ad lacrymas
Guilty Parties:
Rose McGowan. Shitty 3-D. Muscles. Crom.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
A Conan movie. With violence and grit.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
It’s just plain awful. Hard to find any joy in. Imagine if you thought Clash of the Titans (the 80’s film) was the best movie ever made and then they showed you what you thought was the 00’s remake but instead of it even being THAT good the film they showed you was Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. That’s Conan.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“But he has a sword and swings it into people!”
My Rebuttal:
“You win.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “What is best in life? Crush this DVD, see it driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the women whose two hours you just saved.”
My Review.
Amazon.com Link. Ignore!
1. Sucker Punch (Director: Zack Snyder)
AKA: Snyder’s Pretzel. Kitchen Sink: The Movie. Filmed First Draft. Go Speed Ramper!
Latin: nihil agis nihil stantem ante
Guilty Parties:
Zack Snyder. The people who didn’t say no to Zack Snyder.
What It Could/Should Have Been:
The bad ass movie Zack Snyder always hinted at in press junkets for actual films he makes over his whole career before ultimately retiring or dying before being able to make this.
What Kind of Bad Is It?:
Dumb. Overstylized. Dumb. Ludicrously imagined shit thrown at a screen. It’s as if Zack Snyder had a bunch of interesting visuals and said “How can I shoot these without ever having to come up with a story or any facsimile of narrative connective tissue?”.
And then he thought “I need to be surrounded by hot women”.
But that’s it. This movie is so bad it stole orgasms from my future self. Insult to injury: The Blu-Ray features an extended edition. It’s like falling from a plane all morning.
Someone Who Disagrees’ Lame Defense This Film:
“This is next level shit, man. The ideas and visuals here transcend what you know as film and catapult this shit way beyond.”
My Rebuttal:
“So wipe your ass with a greenscreen.”
If CHUD had a blurb on the box it’d be: “It’s like Andy Warhol flew out of a candy whore hole.”