Frankenstein’s
Monster. Dracula. Freddy Krueger. Leatherface. Godzilla. Henry
Kissinger. These are some of the monsters whose names get evoked every
year at Halloween, the monsters with the highest Q ratings and maybe
their own personal publicists. But there are many more monsters out
there, monsters who kill, terrorize and stalk their prey far outside of
the limelight. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be paying tribute
to these Forgotten Monsters of Filmland.
Some
of these monsters are just a successful film away from making the
mainstream. Some were more popular years ago and have fallen out of
favor. Some are just sort of utterly bizarre. Some of these monsters
will be familiar to the loyal readers of CHUD.com, while others will
make just about everybody scratch their head. All of them deserve more
love. That’s where we come in.
The Great White Hope.
Name: Jacob’s Demon
AKA: The Devil May Hump. Love Pena. Sir Lancelot.
Appearances: Jacob’s Ladder (1990)
Monster Type: Sexual Demon.
Its Place in the Film:
In the middle of this amazing, amazing film, Jacob Singer (Tim Robbins) goes to a party with his wife Jezebel, played by the incredibly sexy Elizabeth Pena, before she fell apart and started acting in shit films like D-War. She pulls her husband over to dance with her and he tries breaking out a few moves, but soon scuttles off, presumably because he displays all the rythmn of a pebble in a hubcap. As he makes his way though the crowd and tries his best not to look like an elderly Harry Potter he starts seeing weird visions, and drops his glasses. Picking them up, Jake sees Jezebel doing a little more than dancing. She’s apparently getting humped by soemthing, and loving every minute of it. He soon sees through the strobing lights that she’s getting her ass slapped by a winged demon, right before he slams his spiked cock all the way through her mouth. Jake collapses to the floor, and his life gets even worse.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Spikey member. Long, whip-like tail. Giant wings. Love of Latinas.
Why It Is Forgotten: The blurry-headed demons got all the press, but let’s be honest- what shocked you more?
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: Because this is what happens when you let someone else dance with your girl at a party. She gets a big mouthful of demon cock.
Kids, your parents are not fucking around when they tell you to stop picking at it.
Name: Grant Grant
AKA: The Rook. Ole Slimy. Stinkpalmbeast.
Appearances: Slither (2006)
Monster Type: Chestfucker.
Its Place in the Film: Poor Grant Grant. He’s not a bad guy, and he really does love his young wife, Starla. Unfortunately he makes the mistake too many married men make – he follows a saloon strumpet into the woods and promptly gets impregnated with a sluggy alien consciousness. He makes his way around town ramming his ovipositor into people and slowly degenerating into a slimy, tentacled version of Angelina Jolie, adopting everybody in town into his zombie army of alien slugbrains.
Distinguishing Characteristics: Slimy. Tentacled. Exceptionally fond of meat. Rooker.
Why It Is Forgotten: Slither is the most criminally ignored movie of last year. I don’t know why Grant Grant isn’t a popular monster with his own figures and shirts and plush toys. I don’t know why Slither isn’t considered a modern classic by the majority of genre fans. I do know why I weep every night when the lights go out.
Why It Shouldn’t Be Forgotten: Grant Grant is a terrific monster in the body horror tradition but also in the Universal Monsters tradition – he’s a fucked up guy who is really sympathetic when you realize that he’s so in love with Starla that he wants to make her his brood queen. Ladies, you know you would die for a man who thought that highly of you and wasn’t embarrassed to introduce you to his friends. Also, he’s totally gross looking and he tries to chestfuck Nathan Fillion.
– Devin Faraci