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MSRP 29.98
RATED R
STUDIO Entertainment One
RUNNING TIME 88 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES
• Virtual Lapdance
• Cast and Crew Interviews
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The Pitch
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An attempt at classic National Lampoon comedy winds up being just as valuable as modern National Lampoon comedy.
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The Humans
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Director J.B.Rogers Actors Matthew Lillard, Brett Davern, Efren Ramirez, Tom Arnold, Robert Davi
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How about we do that thing where we quote a bunch of scary movies and kill people?
The Nutshell
A pool boy and a gardener turn an empty mansion into a home for women who belong to the world’s oldest profession.
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The Lowdown
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I think I saw this movie before, except it had the great youth actor Emile Hirsch as the lead, Timothy Olyphant as the big bad and was called The Girl Next Door ( not to be confused with the much more entertaining Jack Ketchum adaptation from 2007). This time we get an Emile Hirsch look-a-like and a wrinkled, older version of Olyphant. Did I mention that we unbelievably get less laughs too.
Matthew Lillard is an actor that is able to portray a doctor telling someone they have terminal cancer and it would sound funny. This isn’t a bad thing, but it speaks loads about the film when even he does not make this more entertaining. He plays the narrator and slacker older role model our lead moves in with. Lillard is a college dropout pool boy, even though he masquerades to his family that he is some super rich CEO that graduated Harvard. He alone has all the requirements of a by the numbers comedy:
A sexy neighbor or female friend our lead can fall in love with (Rachelle Lefevre) – check
A friend/neighbor that is a clueless drug dealer that everyone loves – check
A bevy of super hot girls that faux strip to keep ratings in check – check
A minority friend that he later exploits (Efren Ramirez) – check
The new standard of a formerly popular cultural star as a friend (Tom Arnold) – check
The only thing this comedy doesn’t have is laughs.
He’ll kiss you if you see the movie and shoot you if you don’t!
When you hear that the movie has our leads opening a brothel, you expect certain things. I remember the days growing up watching National Lampoon films. If they advertised sex, you typically got it. Now, you always have a feeling it is always played down. A good Old Fashioned Orgy advertised sex and we got sex, but that was the exception that The Pool boys is not. I feel this was almost a PG rating compared to the comparably themed original American Pie. I don’t buy fake plants or knock-off designer watches, so what the hell do I want with knock off sexually themed comedies.
This movie is a pass. That’s the best thing I can say. It was a waste of time, as I didn’t find any particular humor, the romance was put on the side and the jokes were cleaner than the pools.
Justified season 27
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The Package
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To make things worse, after all the teasing the movie does, the special features have a virtual lap dance feature. This just made me think less of the overall product. We now have a choice of 3 dancers that mimic a lap dance with all the awkwardness of being at a strip club but with none of the intimacy, followed by the fact that they wear pasties. I know it sounds like I’m a pervert saying all women need to be naked, but I’m just saying give us what you advertise. I go to a Horror film to see something that scares me, I go to an war film to see battles and bullets and the horrors of killing other humans. I see movies like The Pool Boys to humor and/or titillate me, not lead me on and not go all the way. There is also a making of and a trailer.
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Rating: 
Out of a Possible 5 Stars