So I was going to post this yesterday, in honor of the big man’s 72rd
 birthday, but instead decided to spend the day at the airport trying to get out of North Carolina. So here we go. This is why Kris Kristofferson is the biggest badass in the world.

First of all, look at his face. His face looks like if whiskey could smoke
cigarettes. He’s only 72, but looks 700. He defines grizzled.This man could beat
Clint Eastwood, Dennis Hopper and a Mummy in a grizzle-off. In fact, he
kinda looks like a mummy who was like “fuck these bandages all I need
is some whiskey and ass.”

But don’t take my word for it. Read
the man’s bio I got from imdb. He’s like Forrest Gump, but with more
brains cells and a wicked hangover. The bio in quotes, my comments in
italics.

“Kris Kristofferson’s father was an Air Force general who pushed his son to a military career.”
Son, killing things is what you wuz made for.

“Kris was a Golden Gloves boxer and went to Pomona College in California.”
It surprises me not at all that he can throw a punch.

“From there, he earned a Rhodes scholarship to study literature at Oxford.”
Ummm…
what?!? The Rhodes scholarship?!? The most prestigious academic award
in the world? To study… literature, of all thing? Ohkayyy…

“He ultimately joined the army and achieved the rank of captain.”
Of course he did.

“He became a helicopter pilot, which served him well later.”
Wait, how is this going to come into play?

“In 1965 he resigned his commission to pursue songwriting.
He
had just been assigned to become a teacher at West Point. He got a job
sweeping floors in Nashville studios. There he met Johnny Cash, who
initially took some of his songs but ignored them. “
You don’t ignore the ‘stoff.

“He
was also working as a commercial ‘copter pilot at the time. He got
Cash’s attention when he landed his helicopter in Cash’s yard and gave
him some more tapes.”
Like, I
said, you don’t ignore the ‘stoff. He will land a FUCKING HELICOPTER IN
YOUR BACKYARD! “Hey my songwriting career isn’t taking off the way I
would like. I know what I’ll do. I’ll land a helicopter in the backyard
of one of HISTORY’S GREATEST SINGER/SONGWRITERS!” I would love to have
seen Johnny Cash’s reaction to that. “Wait what’s that sound? So loud!
It sounds like a copter just landed in my yard. Ok, that is literally
what just happened. Wait, is that the janitor from the studio getting
out—“ The ‘stoff intimidated Johnny Cash into listening to him. Johnny
Fucking Cash. The man who once sang “I shot a man in Reno just to watch
him die” and made you believe it. Yeah, THAT Johnny Cash. Well, I hope
the ‘stoff’s songwriting can back up his bravado.

“Cash
then recorded Kristofferson’s “Sunday Morning Coming Down”, which went
was voted 1970’s Song Of The Year by the Country Music Association. “
BAM! Song of the Year motherfuckers! Oh he also wrote Me and Bobby McGee, perhaps you’ve heard of it.

“Kris was noted for his heavy boozing.”
You don’t say.

“He lost his helicopter pilot job when he passed out at the controls, “
Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose.

“and his drinking ruined his marriage to singer Rita Coolidge,”
Wait,
wait, wait. Let’s go back to that last one. He passed out drunk while
he was piloting a helicopter, and survived. No one has ever survived
passing out at the helicopter controls before. He lost his license
because they had t take it away, but apparently his supervisor’s only
rebuke to him was “That’s awesome.”

“when he was reaching a bottle and half of Jack Daniels daily.”
A
bottle and a half? Do you have any idea how much Jack Daniels that is?
If you drank that much in one day, your liver would literally fall out
of your stomach. The ‘stoff did it every. Single. Day. While his liver
kept yelling “Bring it!”

“He gave up alcohol in 1976.”
Cuz he reached the point where he can be perpetually drunk without ever having to taste alcohol again.

“His
acting career nose-dived after making Heaven’s Gate (1980) in 1980. In
recent years he has made a comeback with his musical and acting
careers. He does say that he prefers his music, but says his children
are his true legacy.”
Nose-dived?
Yeah, do you remember the Blade movies? Also, his legacy is not his
children. There is no way they can live to a father who was a Golden
Gloves Boxer, a Rhodes scholar, a Captain in the army, a helicopter
pilot, an award winning singer songwriter, an actor who out badassed
Wesley Snipes without even trying.

Here is a verse from Sunday Mornin’ Comin’ Down

And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringin’.
And it echoed through the canyons,
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

Disappearing
dreams? Man, you sound like someone who’s already lived the dreams of
five people. I feel lame. I gotta get to work.