Being destitute has its drawbacks. First you have nothing to blow on the Donkey Show. Then you have no sustenance. Third, your belly throbs like the ground in Tremors without Ron Underwood backing you up. After a while, there’s only one thing left to do.
Eat Me!
Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro’s film Delicatessen gets served quite late on DVD for the Region 1 crowd – so be happy like Clapet, or even Terry Gilliam (who championed the film vigorously). As you know, in the land of Caro/Jeunet things get awesomely skewed, so naturally it’s best to venture into their hazy post-Apocalyptic world without fuss. Considering you’ll son become a convert to its infectious ways (then make sure to seek out City of Lost Children). Darius Khondji’s cinematography manages to be both surreal and dark all within Caro’s extravagantly designed sets – where the people are free to move about and decide who gets to die; each one sent to the butcher. Delicatessen enthralls with its signature brand of over-the-top circumstances, make sure to take a look at the scene when Louison is bombarded with sound for a more truthful example. Best of all, there’s that children’s box that moos like your Mother. Besides, if you don’t care for that one, at least Caro and Jeunet’s film will have you rolling around in your bathtub while electrical sockets spark all around you. It’s emo like that.
Be a Troglodyte – with:
– Audio commentary with Jean-Pierre Jeunet
– The feature Fine Cooked Meats: A nod to Delicatessen
– The archives of Jean-Pierre Jeunet
– Delicatessen teasers
– Theatrical trailer
I think it was Was who explained it best – crooning to get on the floor before sending you to the Death Star via their massive cheese comet. A staple of TGIF, Dinosaurs – The Complete First and Second Seasons stomps back into our lives with the promise of ‘not the mama!’. Granted, you’ve yelled that at yours plenty of times, but Dad’s right, you should shut up you little trollop. Many of us evolved from our warped little minds wrapped around the Henson Co. creations, which nowadays looks like something between animatronics and the weird pron you search for late at night. For a show that’s celebrating over 15 years without real people remembering it, I have to wonder if it’s all it was cracked up to be. I seem to remember the horrendous laugh track as Earl, Fran, Robbie, Charlene, Baby, and scray Grandma Ethyl went about their daily lives. Nostalgia is a tricky mistress who’s been known to destroy a happy memory or two. Just ask Apollo Creed. Still, Dinosaurs might be good for the curiosity factor either way, as my deviant thoughts run rampant with the Females I can pick up by telling them I have this show on DVD. First one to successfully score gets -$50.
Like a guy with guts-balls – with:
– Pre-Hysterical times: The making of Dinosaurs
– Creating Dinosaurs: The sketches that started it all
– Dino-eggs
A year without a plethora of DTV Van Damme movies is like that saying about missing morning wood. This month wallops our heads with Second in Command, which by the title alone should divide everyone into two groups – those who touch themselves furiously thinking of the Belgian Muscles (a large population on our MBs) and those who want to merely be entertained by large mind-altering explosions. Van Damme is appointed the film’s title to a U.S. Ambassador in a miniscule European nation (hint: it’s not 1989 Bosnia “Hertzto-go-venia” as my friends used to pronounce it) that experiences a coup d’etat (roughly translated to heavy Foreigner ass kickin, as in the band). The Ambassador finds himself face-to-face with Satan and his Minions, while Van Damme battles his own while taking charge of the insurgents while holed up in the local Embassy. This type of Jingoistic barrel-chested action should already have those first deviants spouting massive desires – and the rest intrigued beyond all reasonable rationale.
Take charge – with:
– Nothing.
Counter programming certainly conjures up some surprises – like Notting Hill, which went Ali-vs.-Frazier with George Lucas in 1999. This past year The Family Stone went up against King Kong. I’m not arguing that Thomas Bezucha’s dramedy is actually surprising or entertaining, considering I skipped this one in lieu of a hairy beast that doesn’t live on my roommate’s back. No, it appears as if everyone conjugated towards a Holiday feast in order to badmouth Sarah Jessica Parker as their newest member of the clan. Faux Papa Craig T. Nelson isn’t at all happy, and neither is fake-wife Diane Keaton, who conspicuously isn’t wearing gloves in this film like every photo I’ve seen her in for the past 10 years. Cleft-chinned wedding destroyer Dermot Mulroney must content with everyone hating his fiancée, even if it means easing Parker’s tight-fisted NYC attitude. Sex certainly helps. Or drugs. Or even therapy. Loads of it. Your real or imaginary significant others will most likely be rallying around this title come Tuesday, so be willing to submit. Just like the Holidays at Ned Beatty’s house.
Can ya dig it? – with:
– Audio commentary with Sarah Jessica Parker and Dermot Mulroney
– Audio commentary with writer/director Thomas Bezucha, producer Michael London, editor Jeffrey Ford and production designer Jane Ann Stewart
– 6 deleted scenes with optional writer/director Thomas Bezucha and editor Jeffrey Ford
– Three featurettes (Casting Session, Behind-the-scenes, and World Premiere)
– Q&A session with the cast at the Screen Actors Guild Theatre
– Morton Family Strata recipe
– Gag reel
When CGI is cobbled together for a cheap buck to maximize profits, the end result has to be something like the mess known as Hoodwinked. It always felt to me like it was chock full of pop-culture gags with a shelf life of 3 months. So if you go in expecting awfulness it won’t disappoint. The voice talent behind the movie is bar none (credit that to the Weinsteins, whose cajoling knows no bounds) – Anne Hathaway, Glenn Close, Patrick Warburton, Xhibit, and the big one – David Ogden Stiers. Only the cashiers can fully appreciate why they’d do such a thing. It seems as if a group of cops round up the usual suspects, like Little Red Riding Hood, a Woodsman (not named Kevin Bacon), and a Big Bad Wolf to dig deep into a disturbance of the peace at Grandmother’s cottage. The Rashomon-style narrative segues into the mediocre, as each person’s events reveal even more than you bargained for. As in a night cursing yourself for watching it.
What the Schnitzel? – with:
– Commentary by writers/directors Cory Edwards, Todd Edwards, and Tony Leech
– How to Make an Animated Film featurette with producers Sue Bea Montgomery and David K. Lovegren
– Critters Have Feelings music video
– 5 Deleted & extended scenes
– Theatrical Trailer
Even though 8 Days A Week isn’t a particularly great movie – it does contain enough real-life heartfelt emotions that give it a slight pass – it still introduced many slobbering webmongers out there to the pre-shorn hair of Keri Russell. She’s the girl next door whose seductive charms sucker-punch Josh Schaefer’s Peter into camping out on her front lawn for the entire summer. Until she breaks up with her inept tool boyfriend, that is. How sweet. Treading an innately fine line between stalker and insane asylum, Schaefer’s Peter somehow manages to be charming, accessible, and engaging – although I find a little bit of myself in him, without the sausage aftertaste. The man of her dreams might not be Peter, rather it might be in the fruit fucking ways Peter’s friend Matt experiences – items that make me harf with glee. After all, that’s what college is for. That and discovering life will eat you horribly, which is what 8 Days a Week might do with you.
Take advice from someone who broke their neck sucking their dick – with:
– R.D. Robb’s boner (kidding)
If you’re in the mood for some French erotica, you couldn’t do any worse than Nathalie – starring the troika of Emmanuelle Béart, Gérard Depardieu, and Fanny Ardant, all three very good actors with the right material. While Dave Davis might think Béart’s title moniker is a bit too old for him, Ardant doesn’t, hiring her to seduce her own husband (Depardieu) in order to get to the bottom of her implication of his discretion. Béart’s Marlene takes the codename Nathalie, implying that she’s on a special mission, one many of you are pining for as I finish this sentence. Working her way into Depardieu’s pants is another matter, as you can either – a. be repulsed, b. horrified, or c. dead. The bulging heart of the matter is if Ardant’s implications are correct – whether they be hardcore, softcore, or mediumcore, depending on your sexual size preference. Infused with intense adult subject matter, Nathalie should have all you under 17’s out there chloroforming your parents to watch it.
It’s a reflex! – with:
– A making-of featurette
– Theatrical Trailer
Tennessee Williams, besides being a notorious bowtie enthusiast, also wrote some of the finest plays of last century. One of which heralded the arrival of the start of modern film acting, as Brando so effortlessly screamed “STELLA!” while driving women and ex-girlfriends into a feeding frenzy. Elia Kazan’s Streetcar Named Desire is not only a piece of cinematic gold, but the DVD also has a newly discovered Brando screentest. That’s part of the main centerpiece; its new 2-Disc Special Edition status in the Tennessee Williams Film Collection. His others, like Elizabeth Taylor’s vamped-up portrayal of a bored housewife in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, still ring as truthful as they did when thumping downward on Americans. Kazan’s own foray into the Lolita-esque Baby Doll set many Agencies of Decency upon him, as two Southerners vilify one another to gain the affections of a nubile 19-year-old. And this is just the beginning, as Paul Newman recounts his tales in Sweet Bird of Youth, Warren Beatty discovers the May/December romance in Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone, and Richard Burton deals with a myriad of issues in John Huston’s Night at the Iguana, a great film. In fact, almost everyone one of Williams’ films is good, filled with powerful revelations and terrific acting. This is the gigantic older title that begs to be seen and experienced, since it will all but vanish from your consciousness in less than a week. Don’t let it!
Is that a Mona Lisa smile you’ve got on your puss? – with:
– Audio commentary by Karl Malden and film historians Rudy Behlmer and Jeff Young (Streetcar)
– Elia Kazan movie trailer gallery (Streetcar)
– Feature-length documentary: Elia Kazan: A Director’s Journey (Streetcar)
– Movie and audio outtakes (Streetcar)
– Marlon Brando screen test (Streetcar)
– Five new documentaries: A Streetcar on Broadway, A Streetcar in Hollywood, Censorship and Desire, North and the Music of the South, and An Actor Named Brando (Streetcar)
– Audio commentary with Donald Spoto, author of "The Kindness of Strangers: The Life of Tennessee Williams" (Cat)
– New featurette: Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: Playing Cat and Mouse
– Theatrical trailer (Cat)
– New featurette: Baby Doll: See No Evil
– Baby Doll trailer gallery
– New featurette: The Night of the Iguana: Houston’s Gamble
– Vintage featurette: On the Trail of the Iguana
– Theatrical trailer (Night)
– New featurette: The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone: Looking for Love in All the Dark Corners
– Theatrical trailer (Roman Spring)
– New featurette: Sweet Bird of Youth: Chasing Time
– Vintage Geraldine Page and Rip Torn screen test
– Theatrical trailer (Sweet Bird)
If you’re hungry for a stack of DVDs, make sure to take a bite out of these other titles come Tuesday.
Yinz A Jag-Off
These titles are COMING SOON, straight from dahntawhn. 
Fans of the Chin can breathe that sigh of relief as his own Jack of All Trades gets its release – 7.18.06. For those jumping into the show unscathed, Campbell is the swashbuckling adventurer who teams up with a Lady (of sorts) and their misadventures inform history, or vice-versa. The theme song, while corny, correctly establishes the tone, apart from calming your fanboy fetish into its rightful plateau. Thomas Jefferson (America’s original gangsta) sends Sam Raimi’s beating pole into the East Indies to thwart Napoleon’s advances into the region. What follows are flights of tremendous fancy, not unlike the time you got all gaga eyed at the original LE of Army of Darkness (I know I did). Produced with cohort (and fellow traveler) Raimi, Jack of All Trades somehow managed to be completely amateurish but cheerily entertaining at the same time. You’ll almost want to pinch its cheeks Brazil-style. Unless you’re sticking unmentionables into the box beforehand.
Yank your doodle – with:
– Extras TBA
He’s not just the dude you play a spirited pick-up game with or even your homeboy. He’s also fucking Magic, Captain. At least that’s what foul-mouthed comedienne Sarah Silverman thinks in her documentary/musical Jesus is Magic (out on the mark of the beast!) – a rip-roaring equal opportunity offender for everyone and their dirty whorish Grandmothers. Silverman’s particular sardonic humor takes all the right shots to absolutely everything. Interspersed with her own unique brand of singing/songwriting, Silverman will make her tunes stick in your head and roll around somewhat spikily, until it kills you… dead. The main crux of her comedic timing is within her filmed stage show, delivering the goods before making your squirm them right out. Some will be offended, others happily lulled to bliss, while the rest will wonder what the hell they’re doing so that their own Jesus is quite as magical.
Make LemonAIDS – with:
– Feature – Give the Jew Girl Toys
– Silverman’s own 30 minute behind-the-scenes Aristocrats performance
– Other extras TBA
HBO lets loose the dogs of war with their Rome: Complete First Season on 8.15.06 (I hear it was fairly dipped into the period with flair), its own Clancy Brown deity in Carnivale: Season 2 (its final – on 7.18.06), and finally Sony brings us their own version of Candy Stripers, out on 6.27.06, which is probably in your queue anyway.
Region Free 1 2 3
Who the hell is Ilya Khrzhanovsky? And what the hell is 4? Buzz on this film has been lumbering about for a while, considering its dream-like narrative woven into the fractured tales of three strangers in modern day Russia. A Prostitute, a Piano Tuner, and a Butcher converge into the night, all posing as people they certainly aren’t. As they separate after hardcore drinking the real visual head-dunk begins; envisioning each and every one in a surrealist abstract version of reality. But “what’s up with the Russians and their visuals? Wasn’t I subjected to craziness with Night Watch?” my friend horrendously commented, when in reality the Russians are quite good at what they do – revolutionaries. In 4, word is Ilya Khrzhanovsky and novelist/playwright Vladimire Sorokin morph their ideas into something special. Besides, even IMDB’s own reviewer from Sweden comments – “this is movie!”, so therefore you’ve got to check it out.
Extras include:
– Russian audio with optional English subtitles
This is a Region 2 PAL release, requiring a Region Free DVD Player.
Fincher fans with Region Free capabilities have the option to immerse themselves into The Game: Special Edition, which brings a heavy amount of goodies. I haven’t watched the film for quite some time, so its deconstruction at the hands of the DVD producers should be fun to watch – unless Deborah Kara Unger is hovering behind me. Fincher’s imagery sticks out in my craw like a fortnight of underage panties – the shot of Douglas crawling out of the Mexican grave, the slo-motion hovering through the clouded night, and even the super-8 burned fractures of a life relived at 16 fps, all floating downward until everything snaps. The twist, albeit a fairly ingenious one, does rub some the wrong way. I can see that it could. Much like other movies whose intentions were well from the get-go but cracked at its reveal, The Game manages to weave its blustering visual tapestry through the Castle Brumwald like Scottish Lords on high. It’s a thrilling exercise.
The real fucking begins! – with:
– Audio Commentary with Director David Fincher, Actor Michael Douglas, Screenwriters John Brancato and Michael Ferris, Director of Photography Harris Savides, Production Designer Jeffrey Beecroft and Special Effects Supervisor Kevin Haug
– Behind-the-Scenes Footage (with optional commentary)
– On Location Footage (with optional commentary)
– Trailers (with optional commentary)
– On Location Footage (with optional commentary)
– Alternate Ending
– Production Design Artwork
– Storyboards
This is a Region 2 PAL DVD, meaning you need a Region Free DVD Player capable of playing it. Additionally, it’s my hope to see this released here in the US soon.
I’m Gonna Review You, Sucka
I said READ THESE, DICKHEAD! No hard feelings?
4/25
– Aeon
Flux (David’s review),
Match
Point, The Detonator, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, Inspector
Gadget: Complete Series, Casanova, Shopgirl, Magic
(Rob’s DVD review), The
Passenger, Classic Musicals from the Dream Factory (It’s Always Fair Weather,
Zeigfeld
Follies, Summer Stock, Three Little Words, Till
the Clouds Roll By), American Dad: Season One, Bachelor
Party Vegas, Flickers, Guys and Dolls: Deluxe Edition,
Don’t
Go in the Park, Dr. Dolittle 3, 12 Days of Terror, Casualties
of War: Extended Edition, Patriot: Extended Edition, Crumb:
Special Edition, Wedding Singer: Totally Awesome Edition,
Windtalkers:
Director’s Cut, Replacement Killers: Extended Cut, Fists
in the Pocket: Criterion, and Elevator to the Gallows: Criterion.
Read last weeks’ Special Edition
before blowing your brains out right here.
4/18
– Hostel,
Breakfast
on Pluto, Event Horizon: Special Edition, Mrs. Henderson Presents, Cross
of Iron: Special Edition, Return of the Living Dead 4: Necropolis,
Robert
Altman Collection (contains A Wedding, A Perfect Couple, Quintet,
and a single-disc M*A*S*H), Thundercats: Season Two Volume One, Last
Drop, Americano, Moonstruck: DE, Remington Steele: Season Three,
Doogie
Howser: Season Four, Sentinel: Season One, Visiting
Hours, Love Happy, Titus: Special Edition, A
Bigger Splash, Killing Time, Million Dollar Baby HD-DVD,
Last
Samurai HD-DVD, Phantom of the Opera HD-DVD, Serenity
HD-DVD, and The Complete Mr. Arkadin: Criterion Collection. Read an old Special Edition right here.
DVD Reviews Forum
General DVD Discussion Forum
Clash of the Tartans!
Summer Pillage
With the official start to the summer not more than a few weeks away, I for one am going to need to save money with gas and movies coming out over the horizon. So, as I always do, it’s time to pass on the savings to you – the sexually frustrated schoolmarm. Or maybe that was me.
Check out the recommended multi-region DVD retailers:
xploitedcinema.com, HkFlix.com, diabolikdvd.com, DDDHouse, and YesAsia.com
Read THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD for other Region Free DVD options.
deepdiscountdvd.com:
Delicatessen is $21.72
Dinosaurs: First and Second is $27.97
Second in Command is $19.66
Family Stone is $18.18
Hoodwinked is $18.19
8 Days a Week is $13.26
Flight 93 is $12.08
Nathalie is $22.26
Last Holiday is $20.18
Lucy & Desi Collection is $19.94
Tennessee Williams Collection is $58.03
Target.com:
Delicatessen is $29.99
Dinosaurs: First and Second is $39.99
Second in Command is $18.69
Family Stone is $16.99
Hoodwinked is $16.99 + get a FREE Target Exclusive Comic Book
8 Days a Week is $14.99
Flight 93 is $14.99
Last Holiday is $16.99
Lucy & Desi Collection is $19.49 (most likely NOT AVAILABLE IN STORE)
Tennessee Williams Collection is $48.29 (most likely NOT AVAILABLE IN STORE)
$10
DVDs – Hitch, SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, King
Arthur: Theatrical Edition, and Airplane: Don’t Call Me Shirley Edition
Circuit City.com:
Delicatessen is $24.99
Dinosaurs: First and Second is $27.99 + get a FREE $5.00 CC Giftcard
Second in Command is $19.99
Family Stone is $17.99
Hoodwinked is $14.99 + get a FREE Bag of Raisinets, Skittles or Whoppers with purchase
8 Days a Week is $15.99
Flight 93 is $17.99
Last Holiday is $14.99 + get a FREE CC Music Download
Lucy & Desi Collection is $24.99
Tennessee Williams Collection is $68.98 (OVER PRICED!)
$7.49
DVDs – French Connection: Collector’s Edition, Office Space: Special Edition
With Flair!, The Transporter: Special Delivery Edition, Independence Day: 5
Star Collection, X-MEN: 1.5, There’s Something More About Mary, Kingdom of
Heaven, The Five Heartbeats, Fight Club, The Day After Tomorrow, DodgeBall,
Master & Commander – The Far Side Of The World, Cheaper By The Dozen:
Baker’s Dozen Special Edition, Man On Fire, Predator: Collector’s Edition,
Predator 2: Special Edition, Garfield: The Movie, Edward Scissorhands:
Collectible Tin Anniversary Edition, and Ice Age: Super Cool Edition
$9.99
DVDs – Constantine, Kill Bill: Volume I, Kill Bill: Volume II, Tron, The Fifth
Element, Tears of the Sun, Blow, Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle: Extreme
Unrated Edition, The Jerk: 26th Anniversary Edition, Richard Pryor: Standup
Comedy Double Feature, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off: Bueller…. Bueller Edition,
Nightmare Before Christmas, Jumanji: Deluxe Edition, Beauty Shop, Guess Who,
Dead Poets Society, Troy, House Of Flying Daggers, Land of The Dead, The Crow:
Collector’s Series, Hitch, Ultimate Avengers: The Movie, Dukes of Hazzard:
Unrated, SAW, Batman Begins, The Godfather, The Godfather: Part II, The Godfather:
Part III, Ray, High Tension, Full Metal Jacket, Braveheart, Barbie: Magic of
Pegasus, The Color Purple, Interview With a Vampire, My Best Friend’s
Wedding/The Wedding Planner Double Feature, Scarface: Anniversary Edition,
and Tombstone
Best Buy.com:
Delicatessen is $19.99
Dinosaurs: First and Second is $29.99
Second in Command is $22.99
Family Stone is $16.99
Hoodwinked is $17.99 (RZ price is $15.99)
8 Days a Week is $14.99
Flight 93 is $14.99
Nathalie is $24.99
Last Holiday is $16.99
Lucy & Desi Collection is $24.99
Tennessee Williams Collection is $69.99 (OVER PRICED!)
Streetcar Named Desire: SE is $16.99
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: SE is $16.99
Devil’s Rejects is $14.99
$5.99
DVDs – Matilda: Special Edition, A Knight’s Tale: Special Edition, The Quick
and The Dead, Saving Silverman, The Sweetest Thing: Unrated + MORE IN STORE (most likely all SONY titles)
God Forgive Me For What I’ve Done
While reeking vengeance strike upon strike, I have to pause for this tiny moment to thank you for trudging through my thoughts, hopes, and untimely desires. I couldn’t do this without you and your feedback, the essential fossil fuel that makes my motor careen from 0 to 3.5 in less than 90 seconds. Oh that’s right – you could give a flying fuck.
chud.special.edition@gmail.com
Still,
a gigantic wink and a firm gun of thanks (again) for reading. Next week get all
down and dirty with
Big
Momma’s House 2, Dr. Katz: Season One, 400
Blows: Criterion, Grandma’s Boy, Nanny McPhee, Poseidon
Adventure, a Ronin: Collector’s Edition, and even
Golden
Girls: Season Five. I’d call that sexy. Until then!