LIVE GOLDEN GLOBES COVERAGE!

Once again, plan to have the refresh button handy on this page as we run live commentary on the Golden Globes show. I’ll be sure to try to not duplicate jokes and offer all new grotesques. As usual, we’ll have a message board thread for your comments as well. Hope to see you here and there tonight!

The text will unfold with the more recent stuff on top, for your ease. Here’s the list of stuff to use as a reference. Hang on to that refresh button!

(All times Eastern)

10:56 – I’m getting tired of that music playing everytime Brokeback Mountain wins. I saw the film for the first time last night. It was good, but a little meandering. That said, I am a sucker for cowpokes.

10:55 – David Cronenshafted.

10:53 – Phillip Seymour Hoffman wins for Capote. I wish it were Terence.

10:43 – Felicity thanked the Belladonna group after beating Maria Bello. All we need is some Benante and Ian and we are cooking with GAS!

10:41 – Actress award goes to Felicity Huffman, the first good Felicity even seen on television.

10:40 – Dennis Quaid looks like he tussled with the Snake Man.

10:38 – Lost won. I feel like Dunaway in Chinatown.

10:37 – I liked Grey’s Anatomy better when it was called The Alien Autopsy Video.

10:36 – Will & Grace. Motherfuck this show.

10:35 – When we were dating, my wife liked to Jack Nicklaus.

10:27 – The award goes to Ang Lee for Wok the Line.

10:26 – Tim McGraw. I wanted to crack a "his hat is the Monolith" joke but that was a good intro.

10:24 – Speaking of Walk the Line, I tip bathroom attendants with John Cash.

10:23 – Lunesta? Isn’t that the creature in Out of this World‘s first line of dialogue? You free him from the cage and he says "Lunesta".

10:22 – Did you guys get Travolta’s little "Good Night and Good Luck" homage? Did you see Joaquin recoil at his passionate mankiss?

10:21 – Are they thanking James Keach for Moving Violations?

10:19 – "Thanks to Johnny Cash for DYING."

10:17 – Travolta’s speech – Written by an ape-year old. Oh, it’s good to know Pierce Bronson got a nom. Haven’t seen him in a film since The Thomas the Mechanic Affair.

10:15 – Yeah, the dyslexia part was a stretch.

10:14 – Bareback Mountain Men won!

10:13 – Know who is a huge fan of Clint Eastwood? Little Otik, but only after his dyslexia was cured.

10:12 – Clint is wearing VELOUR.

10:11 – Mandy Moore just caught Diane Laneitis.

10:08 – Even black people drink Budweiser Select!

10:05 – That’s classy. Thanking your stand-in and the folks behind the behind the behind the scenes. The Edge clip was too short.

10:03 – INSTINCT Alert!

10:01 – Hannibal Lecter the greatest villain of all time? My ass. Has no one seen D.A.R.Y.L.?

9:59 – Incest is rampant. I hear Anthony Hopkins at night.

9:57 – Anthony Hopkins, you are the Olivier Gruner of our time.

9:56 – Gwyneth takes time off from creating kids named after objects.

9:52 – They just warned us of a standing ovation. It’s why these "you’re old as piss" awards are stupid. Just an opportunity for people to stand and clap and feel like part of a group. If I was there I’d throw a tomato at Tony Hops. Shit, I’d throw Danny DeVito at him.

9:51 – Bernie Taupin = Takeshi Miike. The guy just thanked Fuck-Us Pictures. Bernie Taupin dedicates the award to MLK because nothing says thanks for racial progress better than a love song about gay sheep wranglers who are unfaithful to their wives.

9:51 – Thank God they changed the name of that song from Tentfucker.

9:50 – Mariah Carey should thank her mentor. Dolphins.

9:48 – Best music goes to John Williams. Wow, they really went out on a limb there. If they had any balls they give a retroactive one to Street Trash.

9:47 – Is that a woman or the opening scene in Final Destination 2?

9:46 – Jason Lee gives a job to a fellow Scientologist. You go, Thetan!

9:42 – Paradise Now wins the Globe. Totally ruins my John Milton joke.

9:40 – Check that guy for a box cutter!

9:39 – I cannot help but love the shit out of Matt McConaughey even though I hate typing his name out.

9:38 – Damn Judy Dench? Penelope Cruz is a saucy bitch!

9:37 – I haven’t seen that much plastic onstage since the store fixturing convention I went to for Display & Design Ideas in 1992.

9:36 – Golden Globe goes to Desperate Fuck You Nick Nunziata for Loving Entourage.

9:33 – The Biggest Loser? Another fucking show that fucks me in prison. I’m gonna go pitch my Who Wants to Be The Donner Party? reality show. Be right back.

9:32 – That looks like he’s never used a computer. Or toothpaste. Or his sexpenis.

9:31 – "Thanks to Anne Hathaway for counteracting Disney childhoods with tit sharing."

9:29 – Golden Globe handed to Brokeback Mountain, probably for the scene where Heath Ledger rubs uglyfeet.

9:27 – The sound you hear is CHUD’s Eileen taking mental pictures for tonight’s dreams.

9:25 – Colin Firth looks like he came in Lasth.

9:21 – Why is "hot flashes" funny? I mean, I think John Wesley Shipp is an attractive guy but come on…

9:18 – She thanked Dick Wolf, but what if she thanked THE Dickwolf. I’d be wearing iron pants ’round full moon time.

9:17 – Nice to see Mira Sorvino again after all those years. Some lady I can’t pronounce just won. There’s your professional CHUD.coverage.

9:14 – Their Eyes Were Watching God II: Oh Shit, Here Comes Fulci.

9:13 – Jonathan Rhys-Myers-normally-annoys-me but he looks like a solid Elvis.

9:11 – Ron Howard looks like Michael Jeter’s stunt double!

9:10 – Emma Thompson is so British it hurts.

9:09 – Great Scrubs commercial. Be funny if there’s an Office spot where he smears his stool all over the award right before the boys arrive.

9:06 – Good for her giving John Spencer some love. What if by mentioning stars who’ve shuffled off in speeches brought them back? Nah, ’cause someone would mention Vic Morrow and there’d be hell to pay.

9:05 – Mary Louise Parker Mike Larry Jones (who won) ought to give Chris Rock a slap in the small black man.

9:03 – Chris Rock gives a shout-out to MLK. Unlike kids the world over who give shout-outs to MILK.

9:02 – Award category of odd chins. Reese (who won, big surprise) and Keira. That’s some hardcore jaw action.

9:00 – Jamie. You’re indoors. Lose the goddamnglasses.

8:59 – I was a little disappointed with The Constant Gardner because there was like a twenty minute section where the plants went unwatered.

8:58 – If I was gay I would hate Will & Grace. If I was gay I’d take a dick and then hate Will & Grace.

8:57 – Meatloaf songs make me want to shove lumberjacks in my eyes.

8:54 – SAAB, Born from Jets? Is that a selling point for you? If it was SABB Born from a Virgin Cyborg’s Womb I’d buy one.

8:53 – I hope Steve Carell beats his wife. A lot. Shit, I’ll do it.

8:50 – Steve Carell wins. If he thanks MechaMothra I’ll love him. Then I’ll correct him.

8:48 – Empire Falls wins the Golden Globe. Did you see that guy run over the guy making his way to the stage? I hope the empire falls on him.

8:46 – MATT DILLON STILL HATES BLACKS!

8:45 – Dakota Johnson, that’s what Lou Diamond Phillips unleashed in his trailer back in the day.

8:44 – They mention Patricia Arquette in an all-new medium. May I suggest audiotape?

8:43 – Penelope Cruz in commercials is funny because it’s same performance as in all her films. Thankfully she’s cute.

8:40 – Forty minutes and only one Queen Latifah appearance. I can dig it. She probably got hit by the Sphere jellyfish behind the stage there.

8:37 – Hugh Laurie is great. Diana Acree is a phenomenal hairstylist. You’ve never had a styling done until you’ve been combed by a vaginal proboscis.

8:36 – Evangeline Lily ought to star in Meg. Not as the shark, as the hot chick in green. Hugh Laurie wins an award for popping pills and misdiagnosing and then getting it right every week but not until someone on his staff gets ridiculed and then has a revelation.

8:34 – Geena had a fun little speech. Her speech was more mysterious and had a better twist than Flightplan.

8:32 – Geena Davis is bigger than some buildings. Oh yeah, she won for that propagan… I mean television show.

8:31 – Nicolette Sheridan is channeling Calibos tonight. Must be from her Hamlin sex era.

8:30 – Apparently, clown hair is IN.

8:28 – David Straithairn has deserved the love for a long time. Emmy Rossum. Pierce was just looking at her as if wondering "she was in diapers when I was fighting Sean Bean but I’d let her tickle the Nomads in a heartbeat."

8:27 – Drew’s nipples want out. So do her hips.

8: 26 – Clown commercial five years late. Fuck clowns in their ass and not in a nice, late night in the cold tent sort of way.

8:25 – It’s be ironic if they thanked their dealer for being their rock because they help them get stoned. See…

8:24 – Sorry about that granite joke.

8:23 – People always thank people for being their rock. It’s because they don’t want to take them for granite.

8:22 – Golden Globe goes to Sandra Ohmyheadshuge!

8:21 – Brandon Routh might as well fall off a horse.

8:20 – The award for best supporting actor in a TV series for fuck’s sake. It had better be Piven. It is Paul Newman. Goddamn it! Has anyone tasted his fucking popcorn?

8:18 – I couldn’t tell that was Jessica Alba because I only recognize her from the ass.

8:17 – "Why would a mother throw her own baby in the trash?"

Because that’s two points!

8:16 – Queen Latifah jumped the shark after that Living Colour song.

8:15 – Andie McDowell, you are worth that all right!

* That = A punch in the colostomy.

8:14 – Hopefully not the only time we hear Darren Aronofsky’s name at an awards show in the coming years.

8:13 – Winner, best supporting actress in a film starring Ralph Fiennes, RACHEL WEISZ. She ought to thank The Constantine.

8:12 – Notice the lack of Chad Lowe.

8:11 – Clooney has aged ZERO years in ten years. Best jerking off joke since Flea jumped onto the podium at the MTV music awards back in the early 90’s.

8:10 – Winner, best supporting actor in a musical or comedy. GEORGE CLOONEY!

8:08 – Natalie looks like Diane Venora. What gives?

8:07 – I get it. Fuck the white man. We suck. Let’s move onto to the orange man or something.

8:06 – Possibly the worst song ever.

8:02 – Mariah Carey = Amorphous.