Cursed did not make this list because it was filmed in 1947 and released in 2005. It’s probably one of the worst films of ANY year, so just keep that in mind as you walk amongst the people out there who still hold Wes Craven in high esteem.
I hated a lot of films this year but with hardly the focused rage I had when I was wreaking havoc on CHUD on a daily basis. Movie Microscopes and Steady Leaks would have been bursting at the seams had I the time or drive to do it. As a result you get this, my list of the piss of the year. It’s not as crackling as Devin’s, but it’s mine and it’s the best I can muster from a year of hardship. It was hard to make a list of the best of the year, but it was much tougher to hammer the poop into a container that only allowed for ten. This could have been a much longer list.
As Devin requested, if you have some feedback on this – agree or disagree – check out this thread, or email me at nick@chud.com.
10 – Be Cool. How do you fuck THIS up? I saw this film at the Universal Citywalk (bastion of overselling) during my Spring Training adventure instead of watching batting practice and while that made me sad enough I honestly could have been missing out on my own disembowelment and still felt gypped. Get Shorty wasn’t rocket science. It wasn’t even the Pinewood Derby, but it was a ton of fun and proof that Travolta still had "it" and that Elmore Leonard was more than Cat Chaser and 52 Pick-Up had been able to achieve onscreen. Then the floodgates opened. Be Cool is lip cancer. It won’t kill you, but you’re not going to be doing a lot of smiling. The chemistry is shot, there’s no coherence, and have I mentioned that Christina Milian and Steven Tyler are prominently featured? Also, as good as André Benjamin is onstage and in other films, he takes overacting to heights unseen since the days of the Danny Hyphenpants’ Crucible effort. This film is such a train wreck that it premiered in Madrid. How much did Robert Pastorelli get paid for appearing in this? HE GOT PAID DEATH.
9 – XXX: State of the Union. Dave Davis needs a kick in the spine. This film isn’t a guilty pleasure. It’s guilt personified. Millions of Catholics finally have a face to attribute their sorrow to, it’s the face of Darius Goddamn Stone and his many, MANY stunt doubles. The first xXx film was an almost entertaining slice of pestilence but this one is like a Remo Williams movie without the prestige and panache of Fred Ward and his battered face. Peter Strauss need not give up his day job in the Forbidden Zone, as his acting as the President of the U.S. makes me glad we have Bush in office. Gnaw on that. Willem Dafoe seems to be thinking he got caught in a time loop after filming Off Limits and forgot he was actually an actor and not a wiry man-animal with a mannequin’s stare. Ice Cube’s work has Eazy-E spinning in his AIDSGRAVE and let’s just say that the Lee Tamahori that made Once Were Warriors and The Edge is in a coccoon somewhere with Donald Sutherland. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I crave Rob Cohen and Vin Diesel. I didn’t just copy and paste that sentence. I rewrote it again and again as some sort of penance. It didn’t work. I still feel extreme xXx: State of the Union after seeing this film.
8 – Lord of War. This wasn’t a bad movie. It was decent. That’s the problem. It had no right being decent. Not with Andrew Niccol seemingly back on point after SimOne took a masterdump on us all. This guy is almost a visionary, but Lord of War for all its good moments loses its way and becomes to Blow as Blow was to Goodfellas, which is a copy of a copy suffering severe generation loss. The emotional pull isn’t there and good work by Nicolas Cage and (I love you) Bridget Moynahan and Ian Holm is shot to the streets. Jared Leto is weak, but he’s Jared Leto. This should have been a top fifteen film but its mediocrity banishes it here to duke it out with Ice Cube and Adam Sandler.
7 – The Longest Yard. On one hand I should have been prepared for this to molest my inner child. On another, it’s as easy a film to make fun as there is. The original was great, the British remake was great (Jason Statham, you are a God), and fun hard-hitting prison movies are always welcome. Even with my dreaded Adam Sandler as the lead I still had hope. Even with Chris Rock taking over for the Hangar 18 guy. Even with the oft-repaired visage of Burt Reynolds in a thankless role. Even with wrestlers and NFL boneheads in it. Even… nah, I knew Rob "Peter to pay Paul" Schneider was the death knell. This was an insult, because even though it keeps a lot of the material from the original film it sells out at every corner and delivers a generally shite bit of vapid entertainment where it could have given the new generation their own incarnation of this film. In a way it’s a perfect fit. Lazy, shamelessly commercial, and trite. This film is a dick milkshake.
6 – Wolf Creek. Ooooh, it’s so intense and scary! Just like High Tension. Just like Cabin Fever. Just like your mother’s ass. I’m so tired of horror films that get all sorts of cred because they have some shocking moments, which of course turn out to be cat dander. This is 84 minutes of yawn and 5 minutes of remotely interesting horror. This is not worthy of the praise, not by a long shot. It’s not even worthy of a slap across the face by Johnny Handsome, because aside from a kind of cute Mira Sorvino-alike in a tight shirt, a great thermos sniping scene and the pleasure of seeing the female DJ Qualls get backstabbed, it’s just kind of weak. I do like the guy playing the villain, as he’s the only character in the film who’s fleshed out, but it’s still a mess. Spoiler: It’s called Wolf Creek because it’s like when canines piss at you.
5 – The Exorcism of Emily Rose. This is one of those expectations killing the experience situations. I went on the set of this one and was totally sold on it as being somethign special. Maybe even semi-legendary. An honest-to-God classic horror film that’s a drama first and a spooky flick second, one which tied the two together like a really motivated Boy Scout. Nope. It does fit that mold of a split personality film, but it’s boring and not compelling in the least.
The result is something that just sits there limp and nonconfrontational like a Eunuch at Scores. Yawn.
4 – Coach Carter. Fuck these dime a dozen inspirational sports movies.
No seriously.
Go out and fuck them.
I’ll wait here and masturbate to Samuel L. Jackson’s CGI Star Wars death. Of all the bad years an actor can have, Samuel L. Jackson may have had the worst and I don’t think he cares. He’s raking in the coins and he knows all he has to do is go back to the franchise he was born to headline in The Further Adventures of Stacks, that spin-off from Goodfellas.
3 – The Fog.
I felt like I was at Hobb’s End while watching this. Everything was wrong. The "hero" characters had less life in them than the ghosts, proof positive that a lot of our young new wave of talent is like a bowel movement without the rewards of a purged colon. I’m not a big fan of the Carpenter original but I think KAREN Carpenter could have done better with this material.
I’m sorry, I really like some of the folks behind the scenes of this one but this is an affront of a remake. It’s got nothing to say and isn’t smart enough to at least keep us occupied with extreme violence or extreme titties.
2 – The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D. I think the real title for this is How I Paid For The Next Big Toy At My Home Studio. The first Spy Kids film was terrific. The second was moderately entertaining thanks to gracious Harryhausen affection. The third was Wings Hauser in Vice Squad, waiting with that coat hanger for the perfect moment. As good as Sin City turned out to be, this flick was equally bad. It’s an insult to sharkpeople and I’m not even going to mention how the magmafolk are taking it. The only cool thing is that the boy playing Sharkboy is named Taylor and that the girl playing Lavagirl is named Taylor. I’d like to lock them in a moist room with Lawrence Taylor.
1 – The Interpreter. This is an odd choice for the worst film of 2005 isn’t it? I mean, if I wanted to be a geek hero and villain all at once I’d put Revenge fo the Sith here. I mean, it’s a geek’s job to rail on whatever makes the most money and whatever causes the most geek warfare. That’s be the George Lucas film. But, I’m not a geek. Not really. I didn’t HATE the Star Wars film. It didn’t rape my childhood. Inmate #2763 at Lompoc raped my childhood, and he did it all while punching my face and yelling about how the spiders were making him do it. This film took REAL ACTORS and a REAL DIRECTOR and a potentially REALLY INTERESTING PREMISE and fired spicy needles of curry semen into them. I rented this at a hotel in Toronto and fell fuckasleep in Gold Medal time. I rented it again at a hotel in South Carolina and it became an African lullabye that killed me to sleep, resurrected me, and then kicked sand in my face and penis. To say this film is boring is like saying that George Takei slightly enjoys when squigglies are beamed aboard him. Sydney Pollack, why do you hate me? Sean Penn? Nicole Kidman? Catherine Keener, you hurt me the most of all. I interpret this movie to mean FUCK YOU in every language imaginable.
I think 2005 was a horrible year for movies. I didn’t see as many so I’m sure gems slipped through the cracks, but because I didn’t see a lot of movies many didn’t slip into MY crack like Leo Rossi after a bad day at the arcade. I didn’t see these films:
The Man
Cry Wolf
Domino
The Weather Man
The Honeymooners
The Gospel
Rebound
Son of the Mask
Roll Bounce
Man of the House
Deuce Bigelow 2
Dreamer
The Legend of Zorro
Racing Stripes
and many more…
Surely my list would have been peppered with some of these had I made the time to be victimized by something I paid for. Sadly I did not. I hope you enjoyed my list and if you didn’t I hope you eat a tainted taco and shit oil for a week.
I leave you with an image of what these films are like to me. Imagine if you will that I am a young third baseman coming up in my career, full of piss and wind. Then I get welcomed to the majors:
