All that stands between you and certain doom is Vin Diesel.
I know, not a comforting thought, but that’s the premise of his next film, The Retriever. It’s being produced by German tax dodge Equity Pictures, the folks behind Rambo IV. Here’s what they have to say about the new Vin film on their website (translation courtesy of VinXperience – hey, remember a Chewer named Shelby, and remember how she used to run a Vin Diesel fansite?):
A thriller literally made for Vin Diesel, who is supposed to save the entire world from doom in a James Bond manner; at the last moment. The whole world is threatened by an apocalyptic weapon, which originates from the death zone of Tschernobyl, having been left behind after the accident in the power plant and now in the grasp of the rebels have nothing to loose and are threatening to use it. Pure action and thrills are making ‘The Retriever’ both a huge cinema action film as well as a success to be in the world-wide DVD box office.
All of the above is [sic], especially any claims to success.
Vin’s career is quietly resurging as studio analysts try to figure out if it was the lunk or the duck that brought The Pacifier to a Satanic 198 million. You’ll next get to see Vin flexing his atrophied acting muscles in Sidney Lumet’s Find Me Guilty.