Over here at the CHUD offices we have a shelf that is chock full of amazing titles. Some have been featured in proper reviews while others belong safely hidden in a few toilets. Sometimes we get the feeling film studios hate us, judging by some of the content we receive, but in the end we’re able to find uses for them – like here in the War section!

This one is like a Lightweight going up against a gentleman in a wheelchair, but I have faith in who will prevail…

COMPARISON
#1
The title screens:

vs.


Advantage: The Garfield Show.

Sculpture has a lot already going against it, and the title screen the filmmakers went with do it no favors. Bland and uninspiring it goes a long way in preparing the viewer for what lies beyond it: pure shittiness. E-movie schlocky junk that only makes you want to go out and shout at people, the film is a nightmare and NOT in the good way.

Then there’s The Garfield Show, hardly a bastion of theatric glory itself. Honestly, in order to beat Sculpture here they could have had anything… a sandwich with the title would have sufficed, so props to the Garfield crew for at least trying.

COMPARISON
#2
Dueling license plates:

vs.


Advantage: The Garfield Show.

There’s no denying the wonder a great vanity plate can have on people. If someone’s driving around town with a plate that says “LUV2Sk8”, you know they’re probably a two-bit punk who needs a good pummeling. In contrast one saying “ENJOYMYFISTS” is a sign to stay clear, for several reasons.

Both of these films utilized the license plate in different ways. With Sculpture, a tough ass exists the car with the “STEEL” plate only to find his wife drawing a nude man. Like any angry redneck, he refuses to listen to reason and proceeds to send the guy away by shoving a broken bit of chair into the poor pantless man. His license plate meant business and he delivered.

In the episode From the Oven from The Garfield Show, they take a different route with their plate usage. Garfield’s shenanigans aid in the creation of a giant cupcake that becomes annoyed, steals a car and drives off! While it isn’t personalized, the sheer audacity of the cake is enough to warrant a victory here.

COMPARISON #3
Makeup effects.


vs.


Advantage: Sculpture.

The sleepy cat is at a disadvantage here, which is what he gets by consisting entirely of CGI. When he dons his disguise above he’s doing so to infiltrate the local dog kennel, where Odie was taken. I didn’t believe his dog disguise was good enough to get past the guards, but of course it was. A cat of many disguises, that one.

The poor sap in chains is Sculpture‘s entry in this awards category, although technically it took several “actors” to create him. The main killer in the film is cutting her lovers apart in the attempt to craft the ultimate murder sculpture. So this hanging character is a concoction of several ex-dudes plus a ringing endorsement for doing away with the arts entirely. Its revelation is the big reveal at the end, and is proof positive of how terrible this film really is.

Still, it at least tried to use makeup, which cannot be said of The Garfield Show. That disguise never should have worked.

COMPARISON
#4
Creation time.

vs.


Advantage: Draw.

While Jon Arbuckle pours the “Instant Driving Cupcake” mix, the murderous Sculpture whore sits down for a leisurely afternoon murder sketch session. It’s a tale of two priorities: Jon is creating life from flour, sugar and eggs, while the broad with the pencils has just cut her friend apart. You have to appreciate the gore in picture #1, but do not devalue the culinary skills of one Mr. Arbuckle. Sure, it’s Garfield’s interference which leads to the car-jacking cupcake coming to life, but Jon is the man who began the event by throwing some things together in a bowl.

Coupled with the blood, guts and food, this one was too close to call.

COMPARISON #5
Scary scenes!

vs.


Advantage: The Garfield Show.

Sometimes the picture tells a thousand stories, or in Garfield’s case 300,000-500,000 stories.

COMPARISON #6
Random scenes of weirdness!

vs.


Advantage:
The Garfield Show.

I really appreciate the fact that those two in the Sculpture scene never noticed that creepy cut-out of the muscle man lurking behind them. And what makes it even better is hat is it’s actually from the movie… I only wish I had thrown that in there because it’s so great! On any other day it wins hands down, but when pitted against a cupcake doing 55mph the cupcake wins every time. The whole scenario of a cupcake becoming angry and leaving in a car was brilliant, and I’m still laughing about it.

Too bad  for the almost-Lee Priest.

WINNER!

Cupcake LEAVES.

I cannot feel bad for Sculpture. It’s a terrible movie in so many ways The Garfield Show had to win. For a horror movie to succeed it needs fairly good acting and, more importantly, a good story. Sculpture had NONE of those things, add to the fact the effects were typically awful and you get a film that just lost to a bad CGI family show based on a cartoon character that originated from the bowels of the 1970’s.

The Garfield Show is a bad thing as well, but the cupcake episode (From the Oven) saved it. It was genuinely funny and a nice respite from the drone of Sculpture. The CGI work is very cheap and the other two episodes on the disc are crap, but it went up against an inferior opponent and deserved the victory!

Good for you Garfield, now go find a nice sunbeam and enjoy your nap.


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