CHUD LIST: BODILY FUNCTION JUNCTION – INDEX [NSFW]

Day 1: Happiness
Function: Semen
Pullquote: “Directed by Todd Solondz, this masterpiece of discomfort and brutal honesty gives us a peek into the lives of many misunderstood individuals with emotional states that range from extremely lonely to extremely likely to enjoy your kid’s holes.”  –Renn Brown

Day 2: Hostel
Function: Eye Squirt
Pullquote: “It’s a spa that pampers its clients with the absolute finest in suffering of unwary travelers who only get to check out in small, smoldering and/or bloody little bits (unless they happen to have accounts in Zurich, Luxembourg and the Isle of Man).”  –David Oliver

Day 3: Dead Alive
Function: Pus
Pullquote: “She is on the way out of town and already knee deep in afterlife  by the time the food is served and when the custard is brought to the table by her loyal son, things go south. Including her hearing.”  –Nick Nunziata

Day 4: Antichrist
Function: Semen
Pullquote: “With a sickening thunk, his testicles are scuttled off to the Land of the Flattened and every guy in the audience gets sick to their stomach.  As he lies there unconscious, his scrotum housing a living nightmare, she lies down beside him, seemingly oblivious to what has just happened.”  –Jeremy Butler

Day 5: Beloved
Function: Piss
Pullquote: “The audio commentary reveals that Oprah’s piss stream salted the Earth. In the last 12 seasons, none of Farmer Schlamme’s blueberries have been able to grow on that plot.”  –Troy Anderson

Day 6: Meet The Feebles
Function: Shit
Pullquote: “Eating close-ups are always kind of gross, even when it is normal food. And the shit is just… so… wet and gooey. You are also being spared the horrible sounds of the fly chewing and savoring his shitty meal.”  –Joshua Miller

Day 7: Carrie
Function: Menstruation
Pullquote: “Combine the terror and sensations of your period — especially your first period — with the whole dank nastiness of a locker room, and your stomach (and maybe even your nose) should just churn.”  –Elisabeth Rappe

Day 8: Visitor Q
Function: Breast Milk
Pullquote: “Later on when the visitor stops by to get some garbage bags from mom so he could properly dispose of a corpse (long story) the mom surprises him by entering the room in garbage bag regalia and attacking him with liters upon liters of breast milk.”  –Alex Riviello

Day 9: Water Power
Function: Shit
Pullquote: “Dude jacks off in shitty water. Pretty gross. Add in poor lighting with cheap, grainy 70s film stock that has since been dubbed from VHS to VHS to VHS, and everything is coated with an extra layer of gross. If you’re getting your rocks off to this one, a salute to you, ya sick fuck.”  –Renn Brown

Day 10: Audition
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “While Ayomi looks on in horror as the man in the bag starts begging for his meal, you hear gagging.  Then wretching.  Then faint, subtle splashes.  Then more of the same.  And again a third time.  All you have to do is look at the pure shock and horror on Ayomi’s face and your own stomach starts to turn.”  –Jeremy Butler

Day 11: Street Trash
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “Now, you might think this would lead to a pissing scene. After all, why else carry him to the bathroom? But you’re forgetting this is Bill “I wouldn’t be surprised if you had a cock between those legs” the Cop.”  –Joshua Miller

Day 12: National Lampoon’s Van Wilder
Function: Semen
Pullquote: “It’s a dog spunk eclair, spread all over man faces, so I’m thinking pretty friggin’ gross.  With Richard gargling it and sucking it straight out of the donut, and some other frat boy saying he thinks he’s had one of these before, it’s just that little bit extra added to, hands down, the most blatant display of dog chowder in film history.”  –David Oliver

Day 13: Trainspotting
Function: Shit
Pullquote: “No one likes shit. I don’t care what you’ve seen two girls do with a cup, nobody likes shit. It’s repugnant and it’s hard-wired to your basic programming to turn away from the little pellets we leave behind. This sentiment serves as part of the larger outlook for Trainspotting.”  –Troy Anderson

Day 14: Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “He eats and he pukes, and not a dainty little cough of plasma into the sink, he projectile vomits a disgusting crescendo of matter that looks a little too real to be taken wholly as silliness. In 2010 it feels sort of tame after a couple of decades of Farrelly Bros. movies and their ilk but when it was released this was not only extremely edgy but also analogous to the way our culture had become. Excess. Excess. Excess. To the point where we were bursting at the seams.”  –Nick Nunziata

Day 15: Cannibal! The Musical
Function: Eye Squirt
Pullquote: “Thick eye goo splatters down his beard, permanently staining it a crusty melon shade.  It’s reminiscent of a flan – all gooey and glistening as it launches out of his pinpointed  wreck of an eye.   It sprays all over our hapless miners, who are actually starving at this point, yet their appetite for mutton is utterly ruined.  Say, are you looking at his eye?”  –Elisabeth Rappe

Day 16: Nekromantik
Function: Semen
Pullquote: “When a gravedigger tries to intervene the next morning Rob kills him with his own shovel and then frolics through a field while classical music plays. He goes home, selects a sharp knife, crawls into bed, unzips his pants, and starts stabbing himself in the stomach.”  –Alex Riviello

Day 17: Salò -or- 120 Days of Sodom
Function: Shit
Pullquote: “Watching Salò  is one of the most punishing cinematic experiences you could submit yourself to, and in a film of such unmatched depravity, there is a scene that stands out- the literally-named shit feast.”  –Renn Brown

Day 18: Thriller: A Cruel Picture
Function: Eye Squirt
Pullquote: “The shots are pedestrian and the entire script falls apart upon heavy inspection. But, that’s not why you watch flicks like this. You watch flicks this to see that one scene that all of your film junkie friends talk about forever. The eye-gouging sequence from Thriller is one of those moments. “  –Troy Anderson

Day 19: Rabid Dogs
Function: Piss
Pullquote: “While the moment lacks the awesomely comical stream power of Beloved, the spattery leg coating aspect here is more unpleasant. What really defines the scene is the context, with the two goons laughing cruelly, and then eventually becoming incredibly turned on by the urination, making the kinds of a creepy/goofy sex faces only 70’s Italian men can make.”  –Joshua Miller

Day 20: Feast
Function: Semen
Pullquote: “But the fun doesn’t stop there, kids.  No – instead of just being deposited and left behind, we revisit the Who Does It Come Out Of segment – and this time the answer is her.  Her mouth, her nose – her whole face.”  –Jeremy Butler

Day 21: The Fly
Function: Birth
Pullquote: “The upside to this hypothetical fly larva would have been that when it set about to shitting itself all over the place, at least Ronnie could have just flipped him right around to eat it right back up.”  –David Oliver

Day 22: The Exorcist
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “When one considers a list of the most powerful bodily functions in film history is there anything that springs to mind before this seminal, genre-defining moment from the early 70’s? A young girl is possessed by a demon and projectile vomits on a priest. If that isn’t taboo (especially then), I don’t know what is.”  –Nick Nunziata

Day 23: Drag Me To Hell
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “Arguably, this is the worst kind of puke since it’s not only the usual chemical composition of vomit (stomach bile and partially digested foodstuffs), but also includes the fluids of decomposition and formaldehyde. Now, I’m not precisely sure what formaldehyde tastes like. I imagine it to be like the bottle of Stolichnaya I threw up once, only a million times more foul.”  –Elisabeth Rappe

Day 24: City of the Living Dead
Function: Vomit
Pullquote: “Lord knows I wouldn’t wanna walk around with all of my innards in the floorboard back in the car.  And, just to add insult to injury, after he has to watch the woman he was just feeling up get drained, the boyfriend has his brain ripped out of the back of his head.  Nicely done, Father Thomas.”  –Jeremy Butler

Day 25: Pink Flamingos
Function: Shit
Pullquote: “There’s no poop so ultimately it’s just a sprawled, naked man, but he squeezes real hard. The site of the slightly prolapsing anus, popping open and closed is enough to cause some pretty hearty revulsion. These days, it’s the kind of show that you’d have to go to a Nickelback concert, or brave a clown gathering in the Midwest to witness.”  –Renn Brown