There have been umpteen henchmen in film, but not always as many of the other gender doing their bosses’ dirty work. Be that as it may, here’s a list, in no particular order, of some key ladies who made their mark in the world of underlings. There were a few ground rules that had to be established to keep it manageable, and especially to keep it from getting flooded by Bond Girls. Some otherwise eligible candidates were disqualified, especially by #3:
- Hotness.
- Must have been an underling to the main baddie.
- Fragging required.
Fiona Volpe (Lu
ciana Paluzzi), Thunderball
One of my all-time favorite Bond Girls, Luciana Paluzzi’s Fiona is the epitome of what a good henchwoman should be: smokin’, deadly, remorseless and not afraid to shag a dude before offing him. Derval found that out the hard way, as Bond almost did. This served to make her perfect for SPECTRE’s assassination branch, and one of Emilio Largo’s top people. Bond couldn’t appeal to her maternal instinct like he could with Pussy, and she doesn’t hesitate to let him know this. She taunts him even. Damn shame she couldn’t make a return appearance; but unfortunately, she danced with a bullet. After that, she was just dead.
Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen), GoldenEye
The second of three Bond Girls on this list and the most bloodthirsty. Like Fiona, not only was she sexy, she enjoyed shagging dudes before squeezing them out of the picture… literally. She got off on it even. And FYI, if you’ve gotta go, I’m just saying, that ain’t a bad way. Admiral Farrell sure left with a smile on his face. General Ourumov was shocked at her getting wet after downsizing the GoldenEye team at Severnaya with a machine gun. We were just turned on even more. She was also a former fighter pilot; and when she tells you she has a surprise for you… run. After a six year layoff, the longest in the history of the franchise, Bond needed to come back in a big way, with memorable villains, and in that regard, Xenia didn’t disappoint. Too bad she herself went out with a good squeeze.
Jessica Priest (Melinda Clarke), Spawn
I rewatched Spawn not too long ago and there was a lot about that movie that was awry (the effects for one), but not the lady pictured to the right. Clarke’s Jessica Priest didn’t get a lot of screen time, but she did make a big impression, or rather, two big impressions in that silver catsuit she liked to parade around in. Along with her boss, she turned Al Simmons into Melty Jai White and when he showed up again looking like a ‘roided Power Ranger From Hell and seeking some payback, she told him he didn’t have the guts to do the same to her. Unfortunately for her, she was wrong, and she went to hell not in a handbasket, but on a dining table.
The Baroness (Sienna Miller), G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Cobra’s baddest chick was repped quite nicely by Sienna Miller, who looked equally good blowing the shit out of things as she did kicking Scarlett’s lovely camo-ed ass. Biggest complaint, though, is that, in her heart, she wasn’t really evil. Rather, a little nanomite brainwashing by Cobra Commander turns his flaxen-haired sister into a brunette agent of evil. Still, she was working for The Man, did frag some guys and, well, the picture speaks for itself when it comes to the heat factor. Miller reportedly gained five pounds of muscle for the role, and I’m thinking it was in all the right places. Cobra-la-la-la-la-la.
Giuliette da Vinci aka Cigar Girl (Maria Grazia Cucinotta), The World is Not Enough
Who doesn’t think that perhaps switching Cucinotta and Denise Richards’ roles in The World Is Not Enough wouldn’t have made for just a bit better movie? This Italian stunner didn’t get anywhere near enough face time before she blowed up a perfectly good balloon, along with herself. Why oh why didn’t she take Bond’s word that he could protect her? There was a deal to be made, but she didn’t take it. Speaking strictly in banker’s terms, I took a look at her figure and it was perfectly rounded.
Mystique (Rebecca Romijn), X-Men Trilogy
It’s Rebecca Romijn naked in blue paint. What else is there to say that hasn’t already?
Ursa (Sarah Douglas), Superman II
By the summer of Kal-El’s 30th birthday (I’m guessing here), Ursa would have been a pasty white bitch who hated on men for many thousands of years. On Earth, she had powers beyond reason, a penchant for wearing dead guys’ emblems, and blowing kisses. That’s probably not all she blew. Doubtless she knelt before Zod on more than one occasion. Anyway, this Kryptonian pain in the neck got hers, be it a one way ticket to the bottom of that chasm in the Fortress or a return trip to the Phantom Zone, depending on which cut you’re watching.
49er Six (Nia Peeples), Half Past Dead
49er Six was little more than an attempt to add some sex appeal and break up the sausagefest in an overblown Steven Seagal action movie. It worked. Peeples, for whom I’ve always sort of had a thing since way back in her Party Machine days, was saucy as Morris Chestnut’s second-in-command. She made the number six sexy a good year or two before Tricia Helfer. Nevermind the fact that she spent most of the movie chasing Steven Seagal around Alcatraz, getting into hair-brained gunfights and kicking the shit out of things and people (including Ja Rule, which was a nice touch). Six was a tough, no bullshit kind of enforcer who just happened to look good in designer pleather. Alas, though, a literal attempt at a backstabbing introduced her to a couple of bullets. But none of the other chicks on this list or any other ever rocked blue eyeshadow this well while trying to make Seagal look like an action star.