I’m Nick. I’ve watched more movies than most inmates have smoked cigarettes. I love them but I also tend to rewatch them weird. To appreciate the little things or learn through osmosis how the sausage is made. In an attempt to help you through your day and to possibly remind of you of movies you need to see or see again, witness my Weird Watching column. If you like it, share the article and like it and tweet it and all that bullshit. Or discuss it here. My first installment was A History of Violence. The second was Daybreakers. The third was The Keep. Then came the monumental Godzilla one.
The Film: Reach Me (2014) (avoid buying it here)
The People: John Herzfeld. Sly Stallone. Kyra Sedgwick, Kelsey Grammer. Tom Berenger. Kevin Connelly. Thomas Jane. Danny Aiello. That fucking guy from that shit.
The Premise: John Herzfeld saw Crash and thought “I can outshit that”.
Warning: Spoilers and Dumb Commentary From Here Forward
Timestamp/Dumb Commentary
0:00 – Remember when John Herzfeld was going to be a big deal? 2 Days in the Valley. BOOM! 15 Minutes. POOF!
1:00 – Tom Berenger in b&w is so much better than in color.
2:35 – Kyra Sedgwick is a prison bitch. Bacon is the new black.
3:17 – “Kiss her ass, Homes!” And the award for best dialogue of 2015 goes to…
5:48 – I thought I’d never see the guy from Beverly Hills Cop, Tom Sizemore, and the under loved character actor David O’Hara together.
7:30 – Boobies! Not exposed. Under a bra. And under the meat, silicone.
When you gaze into the abyss the gazes into you.
8:46 – Tom Jane, the beacon of quality films in the 210’s! This guy fell so hard. And he fell from pretty low, which is sad. I love him, but he needs to add the word ‘no’ to his repertoire.
9:55 – Chuck Ziti AND Danny Trejo? What did we do to deserve this? It’s like Easter and Halloween at once!
11:55 – Neat little twist with the bank robbery. I never would have expected a cop to be pretending to be a not cop.
13:05 – Kevin Connelly is such a slight performer. Seeing him onscreen with Stallone makes little Nunziata hurt. Stallone is apparently Herzfeld’s mouthpiece. Soliloquy happens!
18:52 – Of course Danny Aiello is a priest. And he drinks! Of course Danny Aiello said yes.
20:51 – Cary Elwes is British in this. And he says “Guv’nor!’ A very Tufnel performance.
22:58 – Sex. Violation. Elwes is a slippery dick.
23:53 – Walking Dead girl is in this. Instant box office. Oh this wasn’t in boxes. It is now, actually. Home video boxes. Home.
23:49 – Terry Crews! Cannot wait to see how they work his titwiggle into this narrative.
This is the only angle in which the plastic augmentation doesn’t horrify.
25:30 – Walking Dead girl and Entourage boy together. Heaven in a bottle.
27:30 – Tourette’s performance. What the heck am I experiencing? This scene should be forced into a special retard box.
30:48 – Forced confession, but only after Tom Jane murders more people out of fucking nowhere!
33:00 – The movie that’s a Crash wannabe becomes even more of a Crash wannabe. There’s a crash. Why would anyone want to ever emulate that nightmare? The moral of Crash was that racism is bad. The moral of Reach Me is that John Herzfeld has compromising pictures of a lot of fringe actors.
36:50 – The infamous “you’re a finger painting. Be a masterpiece!” Line just happened to my face and body.
37:10 – Best part of the movie. E from Entourage gets pepper sprayed. I hope the pepper spray is a method actor.
46:00 – Thomas Jane confronts Cary Elwes! It’s like seeing Zeus and Poseidon squabble.
50:25 – A heart to heart talk about unrealized potential between two hired killers afraid of dachshunds! This shit is happening!
51:23 – Tom Sizemore’s character arc is that he likes golf a lot.
53:40 – How did a night at the beach fray E from Entourage‘s sleeves?
55:33 – Kelsey Grammer arrives and punches a man on the golf course. Then his men abuse a golf bag. The big takeaway is that Kelsey Grammer blew the acting of everyone else out of the water and into some different water.
Nose attack!
59:08 – My money is on Tom Berenger being Walking Dead girl’s Dad.
1:02 – Well there is a dogshit musical cue. Followed by dogshit everything else.
1:03 – I officially hate myself.
1:04 – Another cocked musical cue. I am beginning to think the music supervisor for this movie was Baphomet.
1:07 – Nelly is in this. So that’s happened.
1:08 – Frank Stallone just showed up and got two lines! Three cheers for nepotism. If Sly wasn’t in this movie that role would have gone to someone with dreams.
1:11 – All these characters have convened on one location!
1:11.5 – “Promises are written on water, they sink!” What? What!?!?!?
1:14 – This movie is cunt.
1:15 – Arbitrary shot of a bird!
1:15 – Tom Berenger one of the stars of this movie. Just wanted to remind you.
1:17 – Yep, he’s her father. I also knew that in The Sixth Sense Bruce Willis was a sled all along early in the film.
1:19 – Bad jazz! I didn’t mean to offend you, Baphomet!
1:21 – Confrontation!
1:22 – 18 months later, David O’Hare and his ex assassin buddy have a restaurant because the other dude is a great chef. So what kind of diverse and elegant cuisine did they deliver to the world? Irish Food! Irish!
1:23 – Is a feel good movie a feel good movie if it fucks your ass bloody?
In Summation:
Never again.