THE LIST OF DUMB #23

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. Poligamy Sale!

Is it too hard to just call it “grooming”? A Groom is a dickhead preparing for marital abyss. Grooming is the act of creating uniqueness or planned uniformity on one’s person or in the case: On the person of a dog. Most dogs that go in for grooming are smaller dogs and are therefore pretty damn useless. Little dogs with long hair or fancy little furstyles are dumb. If you own one of these wimpy atrocities, teach it to kill, shave it, and set it free in a school. I cannot believe how many grown men I’ve seen lately walking those little shih tsu assholes. Rule of Thumb: If your dog has a flat face and longer hair than Robby Benson in his prime, you should jump in front of a murder train.


2. Everything I Need in One Spot.

I was shopping the other day and for the life of me couldn’t find the Lunchables. The fact there’s something called Lunchables is not lost on me but I looked everywhere for those little gentlemen and to no avail. They’re usually near the cold cuts or cheese or yogurt or other things we equate with feeding the young. Nothing. Finally I asked a grocer [who was grosser than most in this case] and she sent me to aisle #3 where the stuff was right next to the beer. Lunchables and Beer. This was the entire section. And you wonder why kids kill schools.

3. …

It was only a matter of time before Rex Reed got his own satellite radio show.

4. Also, Breathing Sustained Before Death…

Atlanta truly is the hub of journalism.


5. Let’s Worship, but Only After a Game of C.A.B.A.L.L.O.

This is an embarrassment of riches. First of all, the generic translation of the red text informs us that Jesus Christ is the gentleman, which endears him to me. I always thought he was a serious minded, slightly pungent man [sandals in that desert heat? Come on…] with a penchant for motivation and dying for short periods of time. Being a gentleman changes everything. Also, I learned these other things from this fantastic amazing place:

• The Handicapped get choice parking spots.
• The Handicapped get dents if there’s a game on.
• The Hispanic demographic is less concerned about kerning and centering their text.
• They installed a Dinklagedoor.

6. This’ll Complement My Seanis!

I’m in the market for a River Wang after that incident with the candiru.

7. The Duality of tha Gangsta!

“Welcome to the New York DMV. I am Sally Kirkland. Not that one.”

“Oh, boy. We have quite the population. I think we’re down to like five text/numerical combinations.”

“Oh my. You’d like something to convey your street savvy, Mr…”

“That’s adorable. And taken. I can’t help but notice the two stuffed animals you’re cradling.”

“You have stuffed animals and want a custom tag to inspire fear and respect?”

“No, because it doesn’t make any sen…”

8. In Case of Emergency, Impale Hand.

“Pushead, how’s work with Metallica doing a lot of nothing. Why don’t you design some safety illustrations for us and don’t be all silly with your warped mind OK? I’m going to lunch now…”

9. Weeding Out the Losers.

There is a 98% chance that children who owned this product grew up to be either a molester, carjacker, victim of tear duct failure, or the editor of a movie blog.


10. “Play My Game or DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEE!”

I think you’ll agree that it’s pretty hard to make a Dirty Harry pinball game that isn’t amazing and cool. Not impossible though, as it turns out. That said, lighting up Andrew Robinson’s head leads to amazing multiball.

11. The Officially Licensed Columbine Product Line.

Fuck it. I’m going to Hell anyway…

By the way:

Message Board Thread.