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MSRP $9.95
RATED Unrated
STUDIO Lost Empire Films
RUNNING TIME 85 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES
- None. Deal with it.
The Pitch
Softcore porn with hardcore violence.
The Humans
Shelly Martinez, Kasey Poteet, Cassandra St. James, Naomi Cruise, Shirley Harper, Lynette A. Nechaveia, Liana Mendoza, R.E. Ambrose, Nick Machado
The Nutshell
Porn auteur Malfini invites seven female porn stars to shoot a movie in a grimy warehouse with the promise of a big pay day for just a little work. They are then systematically killed off one by one by The Brute, a Michael Myers knock-off who looks like he’s wearing jockstraps on his face. Malfini turns out to not be who he says he is, and the snuff has all been filmed for a “big client”. That’s pretty much it. The plot is as thin as a porn star’s G-string.
The Lowdown
This movie is abysmally bad, but it’s a good bit of fun. This is the Plan 9 of porn slashers, The Room of gore schlock. Malfini looks like a porn director version of Bono from U2, and his fake facial hair and wig are so bad that you can practically see the glue holding them on. He is hysterically ridiculous, delivering his lines as if he really believes this movie is good. You get the distinct feeling that even though this movie is awful, the people making it really gave it their best. Effort was put in here, which is either pretty sad or pretty funny, depending on how you view those kinds of things.
Would you take direction from this guy?
True to its title, the film contains a number of porn stars, though no one big-name enough to have avoided this atrocity. Jiggling silicone orbs run amok, with topless women in almost every scene. There are a few genuinely pornographic moments, though all are softcore in nature. Any attempts to make the film sexy are either set up ludicrously (like the male and female stars trying to “get to know each other”) or are incredibly unsexy (a threesome with a midget waving a giant dildo). This is definitely not a sensual viewing experience. The midget/little person seems to be having the most fun in the entire movie. Every time he is on screen he seems so happy to be there, like the entire movie was set up for his enjoyment. He camps it up while being spanked by one of the girls, making face after ridiculous face and kicking his little legs.
You can’t fake that kind of joy.
The actresses seem to find lots of reasons to take their tops off. The opening scene is an extended cut of a girl in the shower that lingers so long that you can almost hear creepy nasal breathing from the cameraman. Some of the girls just walk around the set without tops, which seems like it would be cold and uncomfortable. One girl, The Princess, even runs down the hallway shedding clothes as she goes, daring the cameraman and the production assistant to “catch her if (they) can!”
I know cold abandoned warehouses make me feel like stripping…
As bad as the acting, direction, script, and camera work are, the special effects are probably the weakest part of the movie. The gore is downright bad. A majority of the deaths just look like someone smeared some fake blood over the actress and figured that was good enough. There are several attempts at bigger effects, such as a disembowelment, and they all fall flat. The gore in this movie looks as real as the porn stars.
There really is no plot to try to discuss, and the acting is barely that. The camerawork is shaky and sometimes out of focus, and the lighting and sound design are pretty much nonexistent. It’s not sexy, and it’s definitely not scary. Despite all of that, there is something entertaining about Porn Shoot Massacre. Every scene becomes a guessing game of “what the hell are they going to do next?” and the sheer awfulness of the entire thing is just funny. Probably best watched with (open-minded) friends, popcorn, and a lot of alcohol, Porn Shoot Massacre isn’t a good movie, but it sure is a lot of fun.
Except for this guy. He looks really uncomfortable with the whole thing.
The Package
The case insert looks like it was printed out at Kinkos, the DVD menu was probably put together in Windows Movie Maker, and there are no special features.
Rating: 
Out of a Possible 5 Stars