What
follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that
showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.
Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles
should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out
of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to
another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may
tickle your fancy.
1. Why 12 Feet? Why Not 19 Feet or 11 Feet For That Matter?
If I stumbled across the lawn of Abe Granthing, mortal enemy of Peter Graves and assumed the sign was posted due to the proximity to a cemetery rather than the always present fear that an 82 year-old Peter Graves is still a threat, I apologize for my error. If not, consider me creeped the fuck out. Why is this sign here? Is it the result of a resident going into their back yard only to find an encroaching grave? Is it a response to The State vs. Angus Scrimm [settled out of court]? Or do pesky cemetery employees sometimes forget the rules and put the dead wherever the fuck they want? It’s another reason why I’m getting cremated, preferably after death.
2. Someone Has to Do It.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
“That’s perfect, because I’m having lunch with Sally and Heather and Connie. Their husbands recently locked in a billion dollar client. What new business will become synonymous with our undying love?”
“Dig it, babe. LifeGas. I’ll be bringing different gases to hospitals and nursing homes!”
“Me and my dried vagina thank you. I won’t be back for dinner or forever.”
3. Stealers Wheel MIDI Files Played 24/7.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Seriously. I’d given up hope that a place like this would come into being, what with my homegrown listeners and penchant for aural upgrades.
4. For All Your Hay & Shavings Needs!
Photo
by Nick Nunziata.
What kills me is the clip art of the horse on the sign. That exists simply to keep the really creepy guys from shopping there.
“Sir, you’re going to have to-“
“Shut the fuck up, woman! I have come here for two reasons. One involves seed and feeding that seed if you know what I-“
“I’m calling security!”
“Shit yes you are. I’ll need some help pinning you down for the coup de grace.”
5. Sold Exclusively at Men’s Earhouse.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I have never heard of ear candling before. I’m sorry if that makes me naive. I have heard of coccyx candling, which I heartily recommend.
6. Fighting Crime One Family Trip to the Zoo At a Time!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I KNOW it hauls ass. It’s a Dodge goddamn car with a bigshit engine. I also know it’s most likely decked out with serious crook-stopping technology up inside. Computers and cameras and lasers.
Problem is, it also has a car seat and a little screen that plays Baby Einstein DVDs to the villains who have to sit in back with lil’ Timothy.
7. Lean Back… AND DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Anyone who fucks this up probably ought to find out just how it sounds when head slams water fountain.
8. Evil Otto Cries a Tear of Sadness.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
I’m just glad the dude from Berzerk! was able to start a family. In fact, this may just be concept art for Berzerk! vs. Frogger, coming to consoles in winter 2010!
9. Never Bitch About My Comic Strips Again.
Photo by Nick Nunziata.
Leafing through this ‘humor’ book is like leafing through your bleeding child’s distended and suddenly external colon after a suicide bomber has taken the street cafe to task for the West’s greed. It took two people to make this book. It’ll take thousands to piece us together as a race.
By the way:
“Mother promised her belly has big brother inside!”