I take photos of dumb shit. Some of you do too (submit yours HERE). Life’s too short and there’s too many dumb things out there to allow it going unnoticed or people not getting called out for it. This is where I shine a light at fools, loons, hypocrites, and in many instances my own dumb self. If you dig this, please share it on FB and Twitter (links right above this) or participate in our message board thread devoted to it.
1. Way to fight the stereotypes!
I saw this and then I looked at the product and then I saw this again, hoping against hope my preference for Asian stereotype humor had gotten the best of me and my primitive reptile brain had filled in the gaps and transplanted my immature lowest common denominator humor with sober reality and caused me to project my mean-spirited wishes onto plastic and paper. Alas it was not meant to be. The cold mortal remains of amphibious jumpers packaged before me were indeed labeled as “Flog Legs”. This brought race relations full circle and now we can all live in harmony. Except the flogs. They’re fucked. 2. Posted outside Kenny Loggins’ House.
How do you see this sign and not want to be fully inside whatever mayhem lurks on the other side? The fucking DANGER ZONE? How many times can I say “please” before my hair is blowing in the wind and screaming guitar solos are fighting for earspace as I rocket through the sky in an unidentifiable martial arts pose? Jesus Christ, the DANGER ZONE. ALWAYS ENTER. This sign should read WHY AREN’T YOU IN HERE YET?
3. Now Hiring: Kindergarten Experience a MUST.
When I worked at the movie theater in 1989 there was a touched gent who was a projectionist and sometimes would climb up and put the letters on the marquee way up the pole where only eagles dare and occasionally misspell something. I’ll never forget driving up to the theater one Friday morning to see the Sam Neill/Billy Zane masterpiece DEAD CLAM being advertised and nearly crashing my 1984 Honda Accord. Dead Clam. Literally the best movie ever made if that were the title. Today the kids working these jobs have a million billion brains in the palm of their hands. There is no excuse for this. 4. Odds this guy has The Offspring in his CD player?
See it’s a mom joke. As in, this guy is fucking your mom. As in, “gotcha!” As in, never having a good job ever. 5. Now Enhanced To Be Only 600% Less Portable Than The Original!
Words With Friends was designed for people who loved Scrabble but needed to be on the go. As in, not encumbered by a board game. It’s worked famously. Here’s a boardgame based on the app and it’s billed as Words With Friends To Go. This made it past the idea phase and is in stores. May I suggest a product that describes you masturbating so you don’t actually have to experience it? 6. Buffalo Bill Boycotted This Shop.
First of all you guys are getting the subtext the grocery is selling here, right? Basically they’re saying Latin people are fucking animals. You can tell they WANTED to put the Spanish big and bold and have the English be in small print but it would have been too obvious. I see where they’re going. Regardless, I’m of the belief that kids should be in baskets more. Not less. More. Kids should be in baskets wherever you take them. Until they aren’t bullshit, which is around age six. Yeah, sure… every once in a while a kid is in a basket and gets their face stuck in the wheel and comes out all Merrick but it’s a risk worth taking. I’d rather my kid get annihilated in the basket than by pulling a shelf of black bean cans onto himself. The sign should read this: “By putting your child in the basket you assume all the risk involved. Also, fuck Latins.“ 7. You Literally Know Everything About This Family Just By Tailgaiting.
A good rule of thumb is that the more someone touts their lifestyle on their car, shirt, Facebook page, or whatever the less likely it is they actually live an interesting life. If I know just how Irish you are by your avatar I’m pretty sure real Irish people hate your guts. These people are just begging a home invader to show up and ruin them. By following these folks you know how many inhabitants there are in their house right down to the goddamn Chinese Water Dragon they just added to the house/window. You know they have 4 very hot kids. That there’s a fucking weird outcast all the way on the fringe of their life. All of their fandom, so if the Patriots are playing the Monday night game they’ll be glued to the TV and unaware that you are building a Lovely Bones Sadness Basement right outside. You know where their kids go to school. When Mother is ovulating. When Dad has Poker night with the surviving members of Great White. When Uncle Warburton shows up to play Hide the Cock. When the dogs are chained to the life-sized sculpture of Forest Whitaker. When they’re having pizza. When… 8. Star Trek Into Diabetes.
I’d like the franchise more with FatSpock. He’d Mindmeld just to find out where you hid the cookies. He’d do the Vulcan neck pinch on Bratwurst. He’d eat a Redshirt. They’d try to beam him up but he’d only go halfway. He’d die of a heart attack during the opening credits. 9. The Spoiler Isn’t Supposed to Actually Spoil The Car.
“Why we going so slow Teddy?”
“Maybe because we have the Flying Wing from Raiders of the Lost Ark welded to the car?”
10. Posted outside a UFC Sparring Gym.
This sign should be required at every establishment and if you question them about it they do a Tiger Uppercut into your dick. By the way:
