THE LIST OF DUMB #20

What

follows is a scattershot bit of random thoughts, links, and images that

showcase the lunacy that exists in the entertainment world and beyond.

Folks who remember my old missives from the old Steady Leak articles

should find this kind of stuff familiar. Folks seemed to get a kick out

of the first installment, and each Wednesday should fall victim to

another installment. Don’t expect anything deep here but something may

tickle your fancy.

1. Enemies to the Right, Please.

Some people have trouble finding friends to be sure. They don’t have a unifying place like CHUD.com to make their differences transparent and their similarities highlighted. A place where dreams come true and the twinkle in one’s eye is offset by the matching twinkle in their drawers. For those people who don’t have us, take a left at the shoddily crafted sign and discover a friend in the tall grass. But, don’t expect me to help you out when you come out running with Malachai chasing your ass.


2. When the Literary Medium Jumped the Shark.

Fuck books in the mouth. They’re over.

3. Kneel Before His Excellency Shlong the XII!

At first I thought I’d stumbled across the world’s first open air gay bar, but alas it was not meant to be. So I must still slink in disguise to my indoor haunts like The Guycrawler Pub, T.J.’s Boner Room, and Meatman’s on Main.  I dream of sausage kingdoms. Places where the love of cylinders isn’t creepy. Where meat can be stuffed into bladders without impunity. Where fennel is its own reward. Where Prince Loady can frolic under the watchful eye of his mother, Queen Clearbag. All the while as King Andouille stands by governing with an iron fist and two tightly compressed ass ends.

4. We Can All Be Crickets!

There’s a product called Music Legs in this dimension. Surely this has to be proof of something bigger, more arcane, and playfully malevolent than your God.

5. The Official Gay Classifieds Superstore!

I had DNA parked in my rear at Sausage Kingdom.

6. Your Childhood Can Haunt You in Person!

Goonies Toys. This is your fucking fault, assholes. Hey, at least I got to get a snap of the rare variant figure “Data with Encephalitis” before it was whisked off shelves my greedy prospectors.

7. What Are You Scared Of? A Lot.

I’ll be coming back to write for CHUD once I retrieve my car from the lake. Thanks Frank*.

8. Aren’t We All?

Imagine my surprise to pull around to see a larvae at the wheel of this SUV.

9. Do They Spell Check at Kinkos?

I hate when people say “Have some danish” or “I just bought some danish” instead of pluralizing it. Even if pluralizing it is wrong, it still sounds better and my ear hearing is more important than grammar. “Not a thru traffic” is bullshit. Also, who goes into a parking deck with the intention of using it as a shortcut?

“Honey, I’m firmly of the belief that spiraling into the sky is the quickest route to the Mausoleum.”

10. California Hates You.

I saw this sign at the entrance to California.

11. My New Favorite Store.

Although I shop at Mammaries By Way of Vas Deferens, I think that their rival offers a better warranty.

12. How Retro!

I’m glad he got this picture in time before they replaced it with AVOID SCURVY.

13. 2008 Personified in One Photo.

The good news is that the terrorists are no longer winning. The bad news is that they’re awesomer than us.

By the way:

Message Board Thread.

* If you are one of those “You know he’s actually Frankenstein’s MONSTER” assholes, put your balls in a beer.