A Nice Hard Slap – Sunday Baffles

Baffle McBaffleson.

Things that baffled me this weekend:

• They tore down a playground by my house to build a bank.
• I overheard someone outside the gas station saying that they hope
  “that nigger gets elected” and then mentioned TIVOing his eventual
  assassination. Yes, there was a Dale Earnhardt sticker on the back of
  his mud rig.
• Some folks think that two sentences constitutes a blog.
• A woman ignored her caterwauling daughter’s shrieks of the
  mutilated for five minutes so she could browse the cheap books table at
  Barnes & Noble. Despite her proximity to dozens of people trying to
  work in the cafe.
• A friend of mine said that he hates most of the movies he sees
  and always has. I suggested he not watch them, which earned a rather
  surprised look.
• A man at the next urinal peed for about two seconds and began to
  handfuck himself for the rest of the time we shared together. He then
  exited the restroom sans hand wash.
• My dog ate my favorite shoes.
• It’s been almost two weeks since the people we hired to fix our
  community section began working and currently I’ve seen zero changes.
• Every time I log onto a baseball site I want to punch someone
  when the headlines are STILL dominated by Roger Clemens. Pitchers and
  catchers report in three days and still we have to hear this shit?
• Shaquille O’Neal is so fucking tired. Dumb trade? Dumbest. But
  that this guy gets to mumble in front of more microphones is the
  biggest sadness.
• These are two pitchers I currently am considering for my fantasy team. They look too young to be sperm. Wow.
• More women don’t refer to their vagina as their clam.
• Sam Phillips the musician never got more acting gigs.
• I can’t function as a human being until I’ve put Aveeno lotion on my face. What am I a fucking DAME?
• Devin wasn’t floored with my insider clout [ie: living in an earlier time zone], being able to see Jumper three hours before him. FIRST!
• Everything about Attack of the Clones. EVERYTHING.
• I was behind a car with a bumper sticker that said “HANG UP AND
  DRIVE”, then passed the man with a BLUETOOTH ON HIS EAR who was STILL
  TALKING ON HIS CELL.
• I’m having a difficult time writing my comic books.
• That we’re not allowed to fuck wherever on Valentine’s Day.
• The Playboy Radio Show I do hasn’t done a live, in-studio episode in ages.
• Patron shots are too fucking expensive.
• Carl wouldn’t know, because “he never gets the check”. – Dave Wagner
• Jimi Hendrix was treated with confusion and disdain by the young
  patrons in the bar as the iconic intro of ‘All Along the Watchtower’
  began.
• I realized I have no interest at all in anything Charlize Theron ever does anymore, which makes me sad.
• I’m running out of compassion for my fellow man.
• People don’t get that the difference between an “overdose” and “accidental overdose” is sometimes irrelevant.
• The Grammy’s exist.

– Nick Nunziata wishes everything was as wonderful as a bathroom break.

And now… a Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…

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