Well, gentlemen, it’s all over. Anita Sarkeesian has finally emerged from the kitchen–sandwichless, natch–and released part 1 of her gaming documentary, Tropes vs Women, upon us. Clearly, as has been foretold, this is the end. It’s been a good run. We no longer run jack shit. The women are in charge, being paid more than us, making all the games, winning all the Oscars. The time of man and our once grand penile glory is ended.
How dare this chick come at this beautiful artform, sacred as it is, with her fucking logic and measured tones and visual proof and extensive research and in-depth history and college-educated opinions and well-put demands for fair gender treatment and obvious love of games and just her fucking BULLSHIT, right? THEY’RE FUCKING VIDEO GAMES. I don’t need some estrogenical supertyrant telling me I should feel bad because Dinosaur Planet got dickwashed into becoming a Star Fox title, or Marion from Double Dragon gets sexually assaulted every game, or Princess Peach gets kidnapped a couple measly times over the course of 30 years interfering with my good time. Besides, she was asking for it. Bowser’s probably a nice guy, right? He probably buys her presents and gives her coins, and puts her up in castles and shit, and listens to her cry about being taken away from home and missing her mushroom buddies and her guido boyfriend ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and she still won’t put out. Ugh. Whore.
You can view this shit right below. Now, excuse me, I need to watch this Redbox of Ted two more times before I get charged another buck twenty. Shit’s expensive.
**Behind the scenes trivia: My soul tried to separate, grab a knife, and stab itself in the balls 8 times while trying to write this article with a straight face. Then I kept thinking of Bowser in a fedora, and was glad again.**
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