Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Installment Five.
Installment Six.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
I would like to own all of this. All of the following trivia is 100% TRUE.
1. You Gotta Wash Yo’ Ass!
Fight Club is still one of the special movies of the past ten years even though attempted reputation wreckers appear all the time in the form of lame video game adaptations, people who like the movie for all the wrong reasons, and loons who start their own Fight Clubs in their homes, the results of which more resemble the Backyard Wrestling subgenre of redneck activity than anything else.
I started my own Fight Club too, so I guess I’m a hypocrite. Of course, my Fight Club only starts fights we know we can win. Recently we kicked the ass of the elderly MahJong Club, nubile I Love The Backyardigans Club, Club Coma Patients, and the Club of the Soon to Be Born [don’t ask me how they recruit].
My knuckles are still smarting from the ass-whupping they unloaded to a now former member of the Blind and Exhausted Club.
All of the above text was written by my alter ego, played to perfection by Karl Malden.
Though not officially licensed by Fox Pictures, these bars of Fight Club soap are still pretty spiffy. The soap bars are a vital part of the Fight Club periphery and one of the key advertising elements that appealed to folks like me even though it may have baffled the general public.
Can I say that there is no way in Hell that this film hasn’t become profitable? I don’t care what the studio says. There is no way that this underperformer at the box office hasn’t come around the other side with bags of cash. I like these longer term investment films, ones that are amazing but don’t make the studio money until they’ve had a chance to find their audience. Those are usually the really good films, unless it’s something like Napoleon Dynamite.
Anyhow… soap. Judging from my time at Dragon*Con and San Diego Comic Con, this is a product a lot of movie internet folks not only crave but should take out of the wrapper and use.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Proper technique for washing the human form with soap. Begin by heating some falling water. Place soap in hands. Start to combine the water with the soapy hands. Find two lesbians. Hand them the soap. Masturbate unceremoniously.
- Apology to Dragon*Con Attendees: Please forgive the omission of the words Yu-Gi-Oh, Elven, Chromomancer, Dungeon-esque, and What Do You Mean I’m Too Fat To Wear a Naruto Costume from this article.
- There’s a fine line between a Fight Club and a Realize You’re Homosexual Club.
How did I miss this line of adorable little Kubrick toys?
No, not the wild-haired balding Kubrick toys with the forehead worry lines. Those I already own. Recently I had my Kubrick do battle with Hedorah the Smog Monster. The creature was felled when my Kubrick insisted it do a take where it growls at a bus stop eighty-nine times.
The deformed little Kubrick toys from MediCom. I have a nice array of these in my collection somewhere, ranging from the little Reservoir Dogs toys to the X-Files to Kiss. Recently my toy collection mourned as I buried the Nice Guy Eddie Kubrick in the back yard alongside a copy of the Footloose soundtrack on vinyl. Luckily I kept all my other Chris Penn action figures.
Tron ranks as possibly the best line of movie related toys they’ve ever done, culminating with a hilarious and oddly picture perfect Master Control Program [the MCP our video game column is named for]. The toys are cute, slightly hilarious, and the Light Cycles even come with a little motion trail you can place behind them. Sheer brilliance.
And sheer expensive now, since it’s been a few years since they were released. Still, this is stuff that you had to at least know about.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- David Warner has never looked more adorable.
- Don’t be alarmed or concerned, MediCom assures us that none of the proceeds from these products will go towards resuscitating the career or livelihood of Cindy Morgan.
- The term ‘In Like Flynn’ was revived during the making of this film as Jeff Bridges went from trailer to trailer meeting and greeting young starlets.
- Tron was the first movie to romanticize electronic games. The Accused was the second.
3. Buy Toys The Cowboy Way.Jack Bauer from TV’s 24 is the ultimate bad ass…
…except for Phil Portals, the door from the BET’s show Exalted.
The two met up only once, a moment which changed television history in a way Janet Jackson’s creaturiffic nipple never could.
And Todd McFarlane Toys was there to capture the moment in stunning three-dimensional plastic.
The match started furiously as Jack fondled Phil’s brass cock for what seemed like eleven minutes, which was followed by Jack hammering his fists on Phil’s chest like an angry lover. Phil said nothing, taking the pleasure and pain like a doorman. Phil then withstood extreme verbal abuse as Jack unsuccessfully tried to find a peephole. More pounding on Phil’s face, chest, and pelvis led Jack Bauer nowhere fast. He decided to escalate matters. Gun withdrawn, he delivered a furious volley of insults and loud knocks, to which Phil called upon his Buddhist training to withstand with silence and Zen calm. But Bauer was not to be defeated on this day. He reared back, creating tightness in the ass of his jeans he’d not felt since his Ace Merrill days, and delivered a kick. THE KICK as it’s known in the Portal residence.
The kick Kiefer Sutherland was born to kick.
Now you can buy the toy commemorating this amazing skirmish.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Todd McFarlane is considering selling a second piece to this toy, a Julia Roberts in wedding gown figure for the other side of the doorway.
- Some sculptor had to whittle a door out of clay for this thing. His buddy Albert got to recreate Kiefer Sutherland while he got the task of creating the world’s finest splintering door toy. You wonder why there’s such a high mortality rate in the fast-paced world of toy sculpting.
- Todd McFarlane is considering selling a second piece to this toy, a Kiefer Sutherland’s agent figure complete with a tiny reproduction of the script for Taking Lives on his desk.
- The Home Depot does not endorse this product.
- Todd McFarlane is considering selling a second piece to this toy, a Kevin Dillon on top of Elisha Cuthbert two-figure set for the other side of the doorway. Cougar not only optional but H.O.T.
4. Satisfy Your Inner Guillermo.I know, I know… you typically don’t buy embryos in jars until Billy Mays enthusiastically urges you to but take my word that the man’s tastes in pickled little people runs a little on the gauche side. I like mine a little more blue collar, which is why I only buy my fake jar embryos from anonymous online vendors.
I don’t know how many of you find these kind of little oddities fun conversation pieces but I know a lot of you who are self-made people who picked yourself up by your bootstraps and rose from humble jar beginnings. Our own Russ Fischer actually escaped the pickle jar at the age of eleven months to become a somewhat functional member of society. It doesn’t show in his demeanor though he gets a little antsy whenever he’s in a clear elevator and the elevator is filling with orange liquid.
Nothing matches that "World’s Greatest Gay Uncle" sign on your desk better than a lil’ pickled gentleman. I think even Billy Mays would back me up on that.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- If you buy twenty of these you get a free limited edition Nelson de la Rosa jar.
- This is the number one selling product to vengeance seeking tequila worms.
- Don’t be alarmed if the baby comes to life and slyly watches you from the shadows.
- Fun trick. Take the jar to a country style restaurant like Folks and switch the jar with your sweet tea. Complain to the manager that there’s something in your drink and watch as a once proud man is reduced to shattered meat.