Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Installment Three.
Installment Four.
Installment Five.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn.
I might revisit this theme again once I familiarize myself with Adam & Eve Online, but in the meantime I’ll focus on some different little items you have have missed in your explorations in the world of food and smoke. All of the following trivia is 100% TRUE.
1. Much Better Than Zour Patch Kids.
First of all, JustBorn is a great name for a candy company. A quick tour of their website is like having all of your dead friends and pets singing happy birthday to you every day of the year as glitter falls from the sky and ponies hoofpunch apples back and forth while standing on their hind legs. If holiness had a website…
Sadly, JustBorn is also a great name for a pedophile company.
I ate Zours on accident. I mean, I wasn’t jogging through the woods and a squirrel kicked one into my mouth but I wasn’t supposed to buy and eat them. It wasn’t premeditated. We were at Fry’s (great selection, weirdly dressed nerdstaff) getting ready for a little Halo 3 battle at the house and they looked interesting. I bought Zours mostly because of the dumb name. It’s a curse of mine, ordering the stuff with the weird name just ’cause.
Like IHOP’s Rooty Tootie Fresh n’ Warlock, Outback Steak’s Bloomin’ Abortion, and McDonald’s greasy McIHateJews.
Zours are damn good. They don’t burn a hole in your tongue like Sour Patch Kids, plus they aren’t children. You aren’t eating children. I cannot say it enough… YOU ARE NOT EATING LITTLE GUMMY CHILDREN.
Give ’em a shot.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Some people find it funny when you use "Z" instead of "S" and vice-versa. Guess who doesn’t? Sebra Zhiteater of South Bend, Indiana.
- Fine Print on JustBorn website: JustBorn is not affiliated in any way with any human baby online auction sites. Who are we kidding, OF COURSE WE SELL CHILDREN.
- Fuckers took the domain name of my Ludlum Fan Site.
2. That Sweet, Succulent Nectar.I don’t know how you are about after dinner drinks. A lot of the folks I’ve met out there in my travels considers Coors Light an after dinner drink. And a before dinner drink. And a during dinner drink. And a golfing drink. And a getting the courage up to beat the wife drink. Not me. I beat mine sober.
I hate Coor Light on principle. I don’t like any beer that is harmful to werewolves.
I love after dinner drinks, sweet though they may be they are delicious and pleasing to my post-Salisbury Steak palate. Sambuca, great. Amaretto, I’ll bite. Grand Marnier, shit yes please! Of all of these my favorite is Licor 43, or Cuarenta Y Tres as it’s known in its native lands. A little citrus. A little vanilla. 41 other ingredients of secret origin. These are what makes up a drink you can sip neat, over ice, or mixed with damn near anything. It’ll improve the taste of anything. I once walked in on a friend pouring it over a gravesite and I hightailed it out of there but I have no doubt that whatever he was lubricating was about to get yummier.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- I’ve done some research and discovered 6 of the 43 secret ingredients. They are: Lava. Myrrh. Turbinado. Liquid Poltergeist. Sadness Drops. Pureed Dreams.
- Manufacturer’s Guarantee (translated from Spanish): If you don’t like this liquor, we do not accept returns but we will send you a rag and matches so you can use the bottle as a weapon against tyranny and oppression.
- If you ever meet Monica Bellucci in person, feel free to pour this over her tits.
3. Best Racist BBQ Sauce EVER.People already have an opinion about mustard based BBQ sauce and it’s usually one of disdain and snubbery. Those people need to fuck off. There’s room in this world for more than one style of BBQ sauce, and for folks with an open mind I recommend Maurice’s Carolina Gold because it is brilliant despite its creator’s ignorance.
Boil some pork ribs on low heat until the meat is peeling from the bone, making sure to add vinegar to the water as well as a few choice spices. It’ll take about 40 minutes. Then, slather those bastards up with this stuff and toss them on the already hot grille and sear the food until it’s glorious, brushing the cooking flesh with more of this luscious sauce. Next thing you know, you’re eating a pile of Heaven… or Midian, depending on your preference. I don’t believe in the "My Mama’s Home Cookin’ is Better Than Abolished Slavery" line of thought as many of my friend’s parents have cooked food that tasted like reheated penis, but I will say that my father in law’s BBQ ribs are the best I’ve ever had and I’m not being paid to say that.
Maurice himself is, um… INTERESTING. Seems to like slavery. Seems to be a Toby Keith fan.
But his stuff tastes damn good and you know what they say about keeping your enemies close as fuck.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- The Confederate Flag is dumb.
- Who’s the asshole that condensed Barbeque to BBQ?
- Be suspicious of the manager of Maurice’s Piggy Park BBQ joints when he asks you to go out back and hit the big black piñata.
- This stuff is only sold in Ingle’s Grocery Stores, another chain who is a bit suspect. I’ve never gone into one and not seen some sort of Morlock or Primordial Dweller.
I enjoy cigars. It surprises even me, because I think cigarettes are worse than ninja stars in my pajamas. That being said, I like ’em, and have tried a diverse amount over the past few months, enjoying gigantic and nearly coma-inducing Triple Maduros and light and wretched weak ass Butteras. My favorite by a long stretch is a lightly flavored coffee/chocolate mix in a very rich and robust Maduro (ie: strong) wrapper that most everyone I’ve shared them with finds delicious and worth owning. Java, by Drew Estate.
They come in some odd sizes, the weirdest being a wafer thin size that no one can smoke and look manly. Not even Chris Benoit.
Cigars are certainly not for everyone but this is a really special son of a bitch and seemingly sold out throughout the Internet. If you like a smoke, give these a try.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Smoking cigars is harmful to your health, but nowhere near as dangerous as cigarettes, driving in Atlanta, American Idol, Fall Out Boy, calling a redneck a homosexual, or direct or indirect exposure to Steak & Shake.
- Not to be confused with JAWA Cigars, by Sansweet Estate.
- Some people say it looks like you’re sucking a big brown dick when you’re smoking a cigar. I disagree. I look totally different when I’m sucking a big brown dick.