Where
the author tells you of the many things out there that make him want to
become a master thief with an exceptionally large basement to hoard the
myriad material things worth owning and loving.
Installment Two.
Message Board Discussion.
Good
day. The love of consumption is a shameful yet glorious thing as
evidenced by the many odd and showy collections many of us have in our
homes whether it be things we now regret [my 40 long boxes of comic books I’d part with for a pittance] or the ones we wear as badges of pride [my neatly organized and alphabetized to a "T" DVD collection].
Some folks say that these kinds of material things ruin us and make us
slaves to pop culture and for many it does. For others like myself,
some stuff whether frivolous or not, simply must be gotten. For those
people, I present this new subcolumn. Today, the target is upcoming or recent toys, DVDs, or apparel.
1. Corleone Toy You’ll Need to Buy.
I wouldn’t willingly tell you to put money in Todd McFarlane’s coffers unless he really came out of the gate with something sweet. Like a toy line of On Golden Pond figures. Or an issue of Spawn that wasn’t the comic equivalent of talking to Melanie Griffith. Though I dig his MLB line of figures, most of them don’t really capture the essence or likeness of the players though that doesn’t keep me from having them battle Mecha-Godzilla on my front lawn. In the spirit of their truly magical 3-D recreations of classic movie posters [I have a Jaws one upstairs and a Jaws one downstairs] the House that Al Simmons Built has unleashed [or rather WILL UNLEASH later on in the year] an amazing look at The Godfather‘s Vito Corleone that will look good on any desk, shelf, or the throbbing back of a whore you relentlessly pound. It’s a good likeness of both Marlon Brando and the guy who runs the horrendously appointed pizza parlour right down the street from everyone reading this. You. Are. Welcome. Here’s hoping that Todd uses the earnings from these to buy another rare baseball. Like John Kruk’s remainder.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Yes, astute onlookers! That IS the same Marlon Brando mold from the abandoned line of The Freshman action figures.
- Rumor has it that the real father of Todd McFarlane’s children is Greg Capullo.
- Anton LeVay invented the plastic twist ties that keep you from your toys for 30 minutes once you purchase the item and rip off the packaging.
- If these sell well they’ll unveil the Christian Brando manslaughter playset.
- The blood of Kiss members was used in the making of this but they had no fucking idea it was happening.
- McFarlane makes so many toys because his father deprived him of his own Richard Pryor.
2. Rotting of the Brain + Lon Chaney!This is a flick not for everyone but since it cost only $65,000 or so I think it’s safe to say that it’s recouped its investment and justified its place in history. Spider Baby is a Jack Hill flick and if you don’t know the name you probably weren’t alive in the 70’s. It’s a flawed film but a lot of oddball crazy fun and anyone who loves Rob Zombie’s House of 1,000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects [Sid Haig appears in this film, which adds to that] ought to give this one a look. Hill is a major influence on folks like Zombie [not a bad thing] and though this film’s weirdness may not lend it to private parties among your friends with the hi-def system turned on, it is a nice curiosity for a collection. Especially if you were dumb enough to buy Napoleon Dynamite. Plus, it has a great Lon Chaney performance in it (though I haven’t seen it in a decade and wonder how rose-colored my glasses are).
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Jack Hill is the Lover’s Lane for introverts.
- You may remember this film as Arachnid Offspring from the festival circuit.
- I met Jack Hill at a party and didn’t put two and two together until I was back home in Atlanta and wanted to thump myself at the missed opportunity. To repent, I jacked a Hill Giant off.
- The majority of this site’s 20 and under readership thinks of Hostel as exploitation cinema.
- The other portion of this site’s 20 and under readership had better have a hot ass and a MySpace page with pictures of them in Leia Slave Girl outfits.
- They used only Peter Criss’s blood for the print run of this DVD. Because. It. Was. Cheap.
3. Paul Verhoeven + Beautiful Knockers!I haven’t even seen this movie yet and I know I must own it. It’s Paul Verhoeven for God’s sake and his unveils what Devin indicates is the next hot blonde ballbuster in the persona of Carice van Houten. I’ve already prepared my finest spank socks. Plus it’s a WAR FILM. Verhoeven is all you need but when you add saucy hot ladies who can ACT and the violence of man unto his brothers into the mix it’s like when the Tooth Fairy not only drops a fiver under your head but also slips in some codes for Ikari Warriors to boot. Black Book wasn’t easy to find in theaters and theaters don’t like it when guys high-five each other when nipples are seen. At home we are all equal and equally hard as diamonds for the noise of Carice. I also hear she’s a good actress.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- Black Book was also the working title for Witness when Sidney Poitier was attached as the lead.
- Paul Verhoeven could cure Malaria and still be best known as the guy who got Sharon Stone to gash flash.
- The blood of Kiss members was used in the printing of this DVD’s ratings information.
- We got an email from the webmaster of the Starship Troopers 3 fansite who used Casper Van Dien’s involvement as a selling point!
- Paul Verhoeven’s lurid tales of Peter Weller shenanigans will be part of a storyteller’s tour coming soon to your local Waldenbooks.
- According to this film there was some bad blood between Nazi’s and Jews.
4. Best Movie T-Shirts. Ever.This shit’s expensive but who gives a shit? Sometimes you have to funnel dough into the British economy to fund their secret invasion of Provo, Utah. Last Exist to Nowhere (thanks Waddell by way of Sweeney!) has some of the greatest t-shirt movie tie-ins know to man and whether you want to pimp The Thing, The Shining, Jaws (those are the three I ordered), or The Big Lebowski, they’ll suit your needs. Truly an amazing place to cover your burgeoning man-tits.
Nicky’s Trivia:
- They haven’t been responding to my emails begging for a "You Know What Happens to a Toad When It Gets Hit By Lightning?" shirt. Cunts.
- They have a Blade Runner shirt but nothing for Wavelength? Nerds.
- Please order the size which best allow the shirt to cover your fucking hideous torso. If I see another tight 70’s shirt on a fatass I’m going to walk right to the guy’s face and add him to my Ignore List.
- Should I be worried that my credit card statement indicates that I just made a purchase from Penis Messiah?
- Worse yet, I think I may have been gypped on my actual purchase from Penis Messiah.
- Buy one of these expensive shirts and give it to a Homeless. Then, KILL THE HOMELESS. The shirt’s wasted on him.
- The Jaws shirt is only red because of all the Paul Stanley blood.