I take photos of dumb shit. Some of you do too (submit yours HERE). Life’s too short and there’s too many dumb things out there to allow it going unnoticed or people not getting called out for it. This is where I shine a light at fools, loons, hypocrites, and in many instances my own dumb self. If you dig this, please share it on FB and Twitter (links right above this) or participate in our message board thread devoted to it.
1. I was behind Dr. Moreau in traffic today…
There’s really no way to write this off as anything but an ominous vehicle. This ain’t the personal ride of Bobby Beaster, Cajun Spearfisherman and All-Around Genteel Guy. This is the carriage of a demolisher. A Soul Crusher. One who unites the Dark Arts with a Deep Bankroll and hatefucks the innocent.
2. Next thing you’re gonna say is that there’s no corn in candy corn.
That they had to tell us that it doesn’t contain actual gold is a sign just how dumb we’ve become. Next thing you know McDonald’s will tell you the contents of a sizzling coffee cup are hot in case you burn your vagina off and want to assign blame.
3. They changed their name from Butthole Men.
“Steve, let’s form a carpet and floor service!”
“Good call, Albert! Let’s get my buddy Sean involved. He really knows how to lay some carpet if you get my drift.”
“OK, so we can call it Stevealbertsean’s! Or Carpet and Floor Kings! Or S.S.A. Floor and Carpet!”
“Or we could be like Voltron except us three dudes form an ass and come fix your ground.”
4. “I have a delivery for Dr. Curt Connors”.
Contents of Box:
1 Lizard.
5. At first it seemed odd to have a corporate whorehouse.
It’s funny because that’s the dumbest name for a city ever. Especially with that spelling. It just screams Redneck, even though the per capita income there is astronomical these days. When I was in high school in the late 80’s it was a strip with a shitty movie theater and a decent Chinese restaurant. Now it’s massive, but it’s never outgrown the name.
It’s funny because with the Kroger logo under it, one imagines a pretty happening place where panties are flying around and dicks are pressing hard against anything resembling biology.
It’s funny because they didn’t have the common decency to capitalize the “W”.
It’s funny because “Welcome to your Cumming” was the working title for Fast Times at Ridgemont High‘s Phoebe Cates pool scene.
6. You gotta keep that savior clean.
There are a few things to consider:
- Is there a risk in all that water becoming wine and making Christ dirtier?
- Is it a nice Bordeaux? Because holy shit yes!
- Was it intentional for the “T” to look not like a crucifix, because if they really wanted to avoid connotations they should have used some other dude’s name.
- Really, you could have named the wash system anything.
- Little known fact: Christ liked young women to wash him off.
7. The perfect Spring Break recon vehicle.
Just because you have access to plastic molds and pink dye doesn’t mean you have to use it. With great power comes a great responsibility not to make goddamn pink helicopters.
8. “Jeez you have a big pussy. Jeez you have a big pussy.”
The jokes write themselves.
That said I once worked as a gigolo in Bonerdick Bigtown and it was really hard to keep your nose clean. The thing that bothers me is that the ex-boyfriend robbed her. That’s insult added to injury. It’s not easy to be a stripper in Big Beaver, especially one with a small to medium vagina. That money was hard earned.
9. Official license plate of a creep.
Unless this person is the chairman of the Swing Kids fansite, this plate sends some mixed ass signals. Swing children’s heads around? Gross. Be involved in a pre-teen swingers circle? Improper! Or is this some person whose desire to contribute to a charity is only outweighed by their vanity about their tennis game? If so, this is a vehicle that should be pulled over to the side of the road by Anton Chigurh.
10. Academy knows how to cut a deal!
Leave to a sporting goods superstore to cut through the red tape and offer and honest to goodness deal. Nike demands $60 because their products are good. Their materials are top notch. Their brand is a colossus. And they have an entire village of newborn workers to feed for two years. That thirty dollars of profit is earmarked!
“Piss off Nike” shouts consumer advocate Academy Sports. We feel like handing down a little deal to the impoverished.
BOOM. $59.99.
(Nike retaliates by feeding one village to another village)
11. The church has gotten so corporate these days.
It’s got to be rough having the last name Christ. You can’t open up a business without all sorts of extra shit to deal with. Probably why Buddha doesn’t use his last name professionally. Luckily, one brave Danzig guitar player challenged the odds and won.
12. #1 restaurant of Ted Nugentt.
When English is your third or fourth language there are going to be some things lost in translation. Especially when you write off Americans as lazy douches unworthy of dedicating too much of your attention to. But to bring an innocent caribou into things, well that is unforgivable!
By the way:
