I have come to make peace with the idea of a Transformers
movie and the possibility of it being good, or at least enjoyable summer
entertainment (which is not, in any way, shape or form, the same as ‘a good
movie’). But I can not – nay, I will not – ever come to make peace with the
idea of a LIVE ACTION THUNDERCATS MOVIE.
See, the basic concept of Transformers – giant robots that
change shape fighting it out on our planet – is one that at least has a base,
primitive cool factor going for it. But the basic concept of Thundercats – a bunch
of gay looking* cat people fighting an evil mummy who has imaginatively named
himself Mumm-Ra – is just stupid, inane and embarrassing. But that’s not
stopping Warner Bros from making a live action film out of the property.
Warner Bros is also working on a live action He-Man movie –
at this rate theaters in the summer of 2012 will look exactly like the
afterschool cartoons you watched while a latchkey kid in the 80s, except more
expensive and somehow worse. Newbie screenwriter Paul Sopocy has guaranteed
that I will never take him seriously as an artist or a person** by coming up
with a movie concept that will explore the origins of the Thundercats and focus
on the ‘coming of age’ of Lion-O. Does he come of age into a feline Ronald McDonald?
What scares me more than the Warner Bros suits who have
decided that they hate film so much that they’ll bankroll a fucking Thundercats
movie are the emotionally retarded goofballs on the internet who will not only
get excited about the prospect of a Thundercats movie, but will begin fantasy casting
it immediately and will start making lists of all the lame niggling details
from the cartoon that the movie version must include.
* And I mean that in the most literal sense. Ie, Panthro and
Lion-o look like they should be dancing down the street in a Gay Pride Parade.
** Sopocy probably reads CHUD and will send me a very nice
email, just like the guy who is writing The Sims movie. Listen, Sopocy, I’m
going to tell you in advance that the only thing that will allow me to forgive
you is simply copping to a gambling addiction and really, really needing the
money.