I hope someone makes a movie about my life someday. If they do, I’m guaranteed to not only be remembered forever, but also to be remembered as better looking than I really am – after all, they rarely cast uglies in the lead of a motion picture. For example the Bronte sisters were not exactly the belles of the ball, but a new movie about them will legitimate boner bait Michelle Williams, Bryce Dallas Howard and Evan Rachel Wood. I’ve had dreams about just such a trio, except they weren’t writing Jane Eyre at the time.
The strange lives of the Bronte sisters will be brought to the screen in Bronte (we’re missing an accent here, but I am too lazy to figure out how to make it in HTML), directed by Charles Sturridge, who may have finally found a way to break his streak as a director whose films I have never seen but know all about. The Brontes grew up in isolation on the English moors, where they wrote and wrote and wrote. They’ve been referred to as compulsive about it, in fact. Together with their brother Branwell (this is a breakfast cereal just waiting to happen), the sisters created massive fantasy worlds. Eventually Branwell succumbed to his gay name and became a drunk and opium abuser, and the sisters put their writing out into the world, using male pseudonyms to break through the fusty publishing mores of the time.
Bronte will be shot in September. That leaves us a couple of months for Sturridge’s research to reveal that the sisters often engaged in vigorous Sapphic orgies. Please God, please.