Welcome to the next CHUD List.
We’ve tackled our essentials list and the continued revelation of our Kills List from 2003, and now that we’ve begun the beguine, we must continue. Behold:
The CHUD.com Top 50 Disappointments.
A quick word on the criteria. We could very easily have spent this whole article discussing sequels and prequels and adaptations of television shows and called it a day. Instead, we tried to go a different route. Also, from a master list of over 100, the involved parties (Devin, Jeremy, Micah, Russ, and myself) all killed off a choice for each one we claimed. As a result, we’ll run a big list at the end of this of the ‘ones that got away’. So, here is day one of many where we chronicle the 50 Biggest Disappointments. Two a day, every week day for five weeks. In no particular order:
#42 – Blade: Trinity (2004. dir. David Goyer)
The stage was set perfectly. The third of the Blade films had the biggest budget of them all and it also had the biggest bad guy of them all. After all, who could be a more fitting foe for the endgame than Dracula himself? Even better, Wesley Snipes was to enjoy two valuable supporting players this time around: Ryan Reynolds, bringing the abs and the funny, and Jessica Biel, bringing the curves and hotness. David Goyer, who’d written the previous two installments, was back again, but was directing as well as writing. Everything was poised for greatness, and then…
Shitplosion. That’s the best way I can put it. A contentious shoot with an uncooperative Snipes was the first clue to the impending danger. Casting the granite-like Dominic Purcell as one of the most interesting and charismatic villains in screen history was yet another harbinger of doom. And things only went downhill from there. Goyer turned in his weakest script yet, a 90-minute iPod commercial that was little more than an obvious franchise reset button to allow further Reynolds/Biel adventures hunting vampires. His direction was worse, and on top of that Snipes’ boredom came across in spades onscreen. But who could blame him? Whereas Guillermo Del Toro’s previous Blade sequel embraced the otherworldliness of the vampires and their mythology, Goyer humanized them into a junta of spoiled brats indistinguishable from, say, Paris Hilton, except that she does a lot more sucking in most senses of the word.
To this day, Blade: Trinity remains potent and nigh irrefutable evidence that Goyer shouldn’t be allowed to write or direct genre material ever again. He was given a big box of capable tools to play with, and he could only fashion an erector set of uninspired hackery. There have been bigger travesties amongst superhero films and there have certainly been worse vampire films. But for Goyer to have this much in his corner going into the third installment only to fail so miserably is like the 1986 Los Angeles Lakers getting routed by the Cleveland Cavaliers. Shit’s uncalled for. – Micah
Travesty Scale (1-10): 6 out of 10
#41 – Superman Returns (2006. dir. Bryan Singer)
He’s looking down in shame and she knows it. They’re both in love with James Marsden and there’s nothing they can do about it. ——————->
Superman Returns isn’t a horrible film. Not by a stretch. It also has the great ease of following two absolutely wretched Superman films, both of which who make Batman and Robin seem like Golden Age Spielberg. Even knowing that, it’s a colossal disappointment and proof that all the money in the world and all the great above the line talent sometimes isn’t enough. The decision to make this film a sequel to Superman II was poor decision one. The idea of Superman abandoning his adopted planet and the reasoning was another. Having no third act was another. Kate Bosworth was another. Having no real confrontation between Lex Luthor and Superman at the climax was another. Having the film’s most grand sequence in the first act was another. Having a lame "son of Superman" character was another. And so on and so on…
Bryan Singer is a damn good filmmaker but I’m not convinced he’s the visionary the world seems to think he is, where a project is mentioned and he’s one of three people they mention as a perfect fit. Unless the competition is Stephen Sommers and Rob Cohen. Superman Returns is a gigantic first draft of a solid Superman idea and it’s not enough. People who think it’s the best thing since the rhythm method I believe are deluded and need a breath of fresh air and a kick in the chassis.
I’m not even a big fan of Superman and it was a big disappointment. A no-brainer. – Nick
Travesty Scale (1-10): 8 out of 10
Previously Disappointing:
The Ladykillers
Once Upon a Time in Mexico
New York, New York
Billy Bathgate
Star Trek: The Motion Picture
Willow
Superman Returns
Blade: Trinity
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