Welcome to the trenches kids. E3 kicks off for real the second the giant green X hits your screens. Bookmark this page, I’ll keep you plied with a steady stream of love, hate, confusion, and general Kinect assholery as MS unleashes the new flesh on us during their E3 conference. SPOILERS: Someone will mention Halo at some point. Hope I didn’t ruin anything for y’all. All right ramblers, let’s get rambling.
11:01–Most people who care about single player stopped paying attention to COD after Modern Warfare 2. The people who play multiplayer dont give a shit. so, who was that gameplay for exactly? Anywho, it’s over. I need to pee. And it’s not due to excitement.
11:00–I don’t know what it is, but this series has the fascinating ability to make falling buildings, hovercrafts, and post-apocalyptic warzones really, REALLY BORING. meanwhile, Rockstar managed to make rusty shacks in the middle of Brazil into tense, nail-biting gameplay.
10:54–They’ve got Perfect Dark‘s X-Ray gun. Not that they do anything interesting with it, but still.
10:53—Inception horns are the new Lux Aeterna. That still annoys the shit out of me.
10:50—COD: Black Ops 2 gameplay as a closer. M’Kay.
10:47–Usher is dancing. M’Kay.
10:45–Usher worked on it. M’Kay.
10:44–More Dance Central. Still the only thing they got 100% right on Kinect. Im glad it’s still going.
10:43–30 seconds in, you can already tell these guys A: are serious gamers. B: They fucking love this game. C: They loved making it. Sold.
10:42–Matt and Trey! And their intro was perfect.
10:40—South Park game. It feels like they might have finally gotten one of these right. Looks fucking great.
10:38–Casual Games. First one: Wreckateer. So, basically, Angry Birds for Kinect, just no birds or pigs? Looks fun, if the price is right.
10:37–“Welcome to the Republican National Convention.” RE6
10:34–He *did* just slam a zombie’s head into a bus. Thats nice.
10:33—Resident Evil 6. Watch last night’s Game of Thrones again, and tell me this still looks interesting. I DARE YOU.
10:31–Gore Verbinski’s making a puzzle game with Kinect. Looks like Tron, Portal, and Marble Madness had a Splice baby.
10:30—LocoCycle. Um. Kay.
10:29—Ascend New Gods. Most impractical armor design since the Legion of Doom aside, could fulfill the need for bloody, stabby action pretty well.
10:28–Next 3 are 360 exclusives. Come at me.
10:27–360 gets Tomb Raider DLC first. Like we didn’t see that coming.
10:25–Know that bit in Fellowship of the Ring where Legolas stabs someone with an arrow then shoots the same arrow at somebody? Lara Croft just did that shit as a QTE.
10:23–Lara hunting motherfuckers with a bow and arrow, setting shit on fire. God damn i need this game in my life.
10:22–More Tomb Raider.
10:20–OK, using your smartphone as a mouse and keyboard. “With devices you already own.” I like.
10:19–IGNORING PROMETHEUS SPOILERS, IGNORING PROMETHEUS SPOILERS, IGNORING PROMETHEUS SPOILERS….
10:17–On one hand, awesome, web browser on 360. On the other, FUCK, IT’S IE.
10:16–This is looking pretty suspiciously like what Nintendo’s doing with WiiU, just not built into the controller. And, it works with movies. Somewhere, Iwata-san is breathing very hard into a paper bag.
10:14–So, the Complete Guide To Westeros feature from the Game of Thrones Blu Ray, on a Smartphone? NEAT.
10:13–XBox SmartGlass. Hurm.
10:10–Nike + Kinect: To be honest, I’m all for getting gamers off their asses once in a while. Long as they don’t program in the same “You’re a fucking manatee, burn this many calories so we don’t mock you next time” assholery Wii Fit did. And the Live/Friends List support sounds kinda neat.
10:08–Im sorry, Nike dude, did you wander into the wrong conference? Cut to the chase.
10:05–So, it’s basically the Zune Music Marketplace, rebranded and fancified. Blah. Was a Pandora/Spotify app too much to ask for?
10:03–“And now, to help translate these new sport network developments to the rest of you, here are the two douchiest guys we could find in California on short notice.”
10:02–“Hey, you like hockey?” “Don’t make us admit it? Please?”
10:01–NBA is coming to XBox. Again, if you care, that’s neat.
9:58–“XBox! Bing German impressionist armpit fetish porn.”
9:57–If Forza‘s your thing, Im sure you’re happy. Wake me when Criterion goes back to Burnout or Rockstar goes back to Midnight Club.
9:57–Dubstep? Or Optimus Prime having an orgy? YOU DECIDE!
9:55–One of these days, someone will use that A Perfect Circle “Counting Bodies Like Sheep” Remix for something that doesn’t make my eyeballs try to study my brainstem. Fuck Gears of War.
9:54–Jesus Christ, SHUT IT, HALO FUCKMOOKS.
9:54–Even after the “one entertainment box” hype, first words out of Spencer’s mouth was “games.” Good.
9:51–In a righteous world, Kinect recognizes “Flip Six Three Hole”.
9:50–“I’ll be honest, Andrew, I stopped paying attention after it wasn’t MY name on the box every year.”
9:48—FIFA and Madden 13. I wonder if Kinect can detect when I give a fuck or not.
9:46—Splinter Cell: Blacklist–Spring 2013. God, what *is* coming out this fall?
9:44–“Hey! I ate sushi off your mom last night!” “Huh?” *boom*
9:43–So, Sam Fisher’s been spending some time in the Animus?
9:42–Ahh, so more Splinter Cell. Never been a fan, but Ironside’s voice is always welcome. Like a Tasmanian Devil purring.
9:40–A few years ago, the “one entertainment box” thing would’ve been hyperbole of the highest. The fact that the 360 got there first really is pretty impressive in retrospect.
9:37–Cortana getting sexier and sexier with every passing game makes part of my brain die every single time.
9:37–The Forerunners were, apparently, Transformers.
9:35–“Definitely NOT Covenant.” Cortana has been promoted to Admiral Obvious. Congrats.
9:34–Looks and sounds GREAT. Someone over at Crytek is probably laughing his dick off, though.
9:31–Welp, it’s Halo, all right.
9:30PST– “Service unavailable” RELIABLE TECHNOLOGY AT WORK, KIDS.