Way back in the old days (for example, here)
I used to do a thing called ‘CHUD Slang’. It got tiring for me, but I
enjoy the concept. That was three or four years ago. Now, I have a new
thing I want to run past you. The CHUD Deli Menu, the vibe of which
most of you will get off the bat. If you dig it, I’ll continue it. If
you treat it with indifference, so will I. Here is your very second
installment. Hope you dig it.




Welcome
to the eatery, where the food is served pipin’ hot and the waitresses
are shaved and willing. I’m your chef, Master Nicky Nunziata. I have a
degree at the Lovecraft Culinary Institute and I studied under Grand
Cookery King Lucifuge himself. You will leave us well-fed and stinking
of sex, that I assure you. Today’s specials are:

The Courteney Cox: First the sandwich seems bony and unimpressive, but when you’re not looking the chefs add meat in all the right places, next thing you know, it’s delicious. $5

The Brian Cox: First the sandwich seems pale and pockmarked, but when
you’re not looking the meat adds chefs in all the right places, next
thing you know, it’s delicious. Served in a Canadian Tuxedo. $1,000

The Gere: For Display Only. Put this sandwich on a countertop and it will attract window shopping housewives and Dali Lamas. $6

The Larry Clark Hoagie: Nothing tastes better while watching underage people fuck. $1.50

The Love-Hewitt: You thought this was the sandwich with huge knockers, but it isn’t. That’s the Suplee Burger. This one is delicately meaty, so much so we can’t hardly weigh it. $30DD

The Liotta: An intense sandwich, garnished with eyeliner. $4

The Demme: Lamb, served quietly over sourdough. A very overrated sandwich. Do not eat after 8pm, as it gives you the shits something wild. $5


The Demme 2.0: Don’t eat while playing basketball! $50


The Apatow: The sandwich in the corner being blown by Devin Faraci. $22

The Shyamalan: You have no idea what you’re eating until it’s over and then you realize you’re not eating it in Colonial America. 6ยข

The Lynch: Ham on Pullman. Halfway through this sandwich, Balthazar Getty eats this sandwich instead of you. $19

The Emilio: A small sandwich for breakfast. Club with Ham, Turkey, and Monterey freeJack cheese. $4

The Thomas Anderson: Indulge! Shit, OVERINDULGE! $455

The WS Anderson: A large British sandwich that will gladly fuck all of your favorite older sandwiches up. $10

Discuss this new Leak Feature here.