Good
day.
I’m
writing this as Hurricane Ivan wetly slaps my portion of
the country. A gorgeous pear tree just got shattered across
the street and my bizarre Asian neighbors nearly imploded
at the sight. They spend 18 hours a day in that yard making
it immaculate (seriously, ants have to sign a waiver before
entering) and now they’re in their garage watching the storm
batter their favorite place. I don’t know these people,
but I know that my Doberman wants to either rape their Chihuahua
or eat it… possibly both and not in that order. It’s hard
not to feel sorry for them though. Their main hobby just
got punched in the teats. It’d be like my DVD collection
melting or the school bus routes in Dave Davis’ neighborhood
changing. It’s a weird thing. The last big hurricane took
the roof off my Aunt Irene’s house and we all see how many
people are losing their homes, belongings, and lives to
this stuff. It’s pretty scary. Roland Emmerich is writing
a screenplay about it. That’s scarier.
So,
while we’re not the ones to wish good tidings on anyone…
be smart and be safe. Wind and rain can kick even Chuck
Zito’s ass.
On
with the Leak!
The
World IS Flat, Part One.
According
to IMDB Pro’s "STARmeter", the picture to your
right showcases "what people
are interested in, based not on small statistical samplings,
but on the actual behavior of millions of IMDb users. Unlike
the AFI 100TM or Academy AwardsTM, high rankings on STARmeterTM
and MOVIEmeterTM do not necessarily mean that something
is "good." They do mean that there is a high level
of public awareness and/or interest in the title or person."
It
tells me that something is rotten in Denmark (© William
Shakespeare by way of Quentin Tarantino). While these things
are more for entertainment purposes (even though it’s a
"pro" site), it makes me wonder how much tangible
importance "buzz" has. Lindsay Lohan has sprouted
ample curves in recent years and there are no doubt thousands
of young men firing rockets into tissues on her behest as
I type this, but it’s unfathomable to think she’d carry
more weight than a Tom Cruise or Tom Hanks on any chart
outside of Teen Beat or Black Inches magazine.
It’s
nothing against IMDB. They do some incredible work. It’s
just a weird offshoot of the business that lives somewhere
between the black and white reality of the trades and the
binary bullshit of HSX. Paris Hilton is on there, for the
love of small mammals. Paris
Hilton, the living Real Doll™. Sienna Guillory?
Come on… That’s an imported crayon, not the epitome of
movie star wattage.
It
seems the more I learn about how this weird business operates
the more I am handed that defies logic and forces me to
scramble back to St. Charles Avenue without passing GO.
Listening
to the public around me before, after, and friggin’ DURING
movies I hear stuff that makes me believe this is closer
to the truth than what we see in Variety or are told from
Exhibitor Relations. It makes me want to pull my brain out
and put it under my seat, because things sort of exist in
a vacuum. Maybe the world is flat. Maybe we did fake the
moon landing. Maybe Joe Pesci didn’t have a facelift. Maybe
we are to view this business as a 12 year old girl does
the boys around her. Love is instant and instantly transferred
to the next cute guy. Names are scribbled in sparkling gold
marker and crossed out the following week and replaced with
another. Perhaps the CEOs of Sony and Disney have those
little origami things in their hands and are going to pull
the tab that reveals who they currently are hot for and
it’s… Jenna Malone!
No
shortage of stuff baffles me in this world, let alone the
movie business. I guess it’s just another thing to pop into
this rambling sinkhole of a column.
If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
Star
Encounter Spillage…
This
may be bad form or absolutely great. Either way, I’m doing
it, so if I’m banned from doing interviews you’ll have some
damning evidence of such in Verdana text right here. In
our quest to provide you with as much one on one interaction
with famous people as possible, we often meet with stars
out junketing their film, doing PA tours, or just dry humping
us for the sheer delight of it. In between the margins of
talking about their film careers, their current project,
and in Devin’s case… which ass they have ink on, we get
an idea of how we view them as people. How they treat us,
what think seem to think of doing press, and what they’re
like in person. I figured I’d share my take on a few and
if you like it perhaps it can be an ongoing feature. I know
Devin has tons of fun tales. I can only imagine what Fred
Topel has seen.
Bear
in mind… this is an opinion. These are the worst human
circumstances to get to know a human being in. Junkets are
stressful, frenzied, and you never know if you’re the ninety-seventh
person they’ve dealt with, if their agent just told them
that they failed to get a role in Rhinestone 2, if they’re
on crank, haven’t slept, or just got out of bed with a hooker
who not only turned out to be the same sex as them but was
a mountain lion that was the same sex as them.
Still,
here’s my useless take on a few.
Morgan
Freeman – Mr. Freeman wanted
no part of me or my compatriots from "the Internet".
He had just finished a scene outdoors in the cold and obviously
wanted to relax in his trailer with a hot toddy and the
soundtrack to Body Shots. No question was intelligent enough,
and they all had to be turned around back at the interviewer.
Was he intimidating? Yes. Was he friendly? No. Is he one
of the greatest actors wearing skin? Shit yes. It doesn’t
taint one iota of my opinion of him. He’s tall as shit too.
Jason
Schwartzman – Here’s
a cool guy. He is loose and natural and laid back and was
very enthusiastic about his then-band Phantom Planet. He
even gave me his CD a few weeks before it came out. I liked
him before and I liked him after. Growing up in show business
can ruin a person but he seemed to take it all in stride.
He’s small. He could almost be an action figure.
Sunny
Mabry – When
I spoke to her, it was before she’d had a chance to do much.
Now that she’s in Species 3 I could bend her ear for hours.
"Did you go to a SILvan learning center to train?",
"Did you call Whip Hubley for advice?", "Will
critics call this Feces 3?". It was a little nervous
for both of us and I found it hard to compile questions
that were interesting and the more filmic they got, the
worse off we were. She was pretty though. I remember tight
jeans. What I forgot was my tape recorded. It lives on somewhere
in the Buckhead Ritz Carlton… haunting it with my awkward
Sunny Mabry interview.
John
Travolta – This
one’s fresh on my mind since it happened this week. I wrote
a fan letter to John Travolta sometime around 1980. I was
a huge fan back then. I knew every line from Grease and
was one of the many people anxiously awaiting Staying Alive.
In fact, there was a rumor that he’d be in First Blood II
and it’d have probably burst my heart from sheer joy if
it’d happened. Of course, I grew up and Mr. Travolta appeared
in Kirstie Alley films. Then, he came back and the love
was rekindled. This older, bigger Travolta was still bad
ass and I can honestly say that even after a series of mediocre
films I’ve been in his corner. Yes, we’ve been guilty of
cracking a Scientology joke now and then but I was utterly
impressed with the man when we met. He was charming, cordial,
and said all the right things in regards to fiulm, his career,
and beyond. After the interview he actually took the time
to help calm some of my airline fears and I have to admit
that I think he’s a solid guy from my brief time with him.
He’s not as tall as I expected. He enjoys iced tea, though.
Robert
Patrick – This
surprised the living dick out of me. This guy is incredible.
He came into the interview room loud and brash and larger
than life and it was beautiful. He had a tight t-shirt,
a stogie in his jaw, and was as animated as anything Miyazaki’s
ever dreamed up. You’ll see in my interview next week how
cool he was but I realized something that no casting director
has never realized… the Robert Patrick offscreen is better
than anything we’ve thusly seen onscreen. Here’s hoping
that changes. He’s a spark plug. Note: He may not know this,
but he’s the Earth X incarnation of Martin Sheen.
Kevin
Smith – Here’s
a guy I really liked in person. There’s the Kevin Smith
that does public speaking and the guy who sits in a room
and relaxes and as biting and funny as the guy can be in
front of hundreds, it’s obvious that he’s a regular guy
and a cool cat in private. Fanboys would probably ruin that
vibe, instead asking minutia about Eliza Dushku’s scent…
but Smith’s a winner from my few times dealing with his
humanity.
Paul
Rudd – There’s
bad ass and then there’s Paul Rudd. In that order. This
guy is better than sex without strings.
James
Cromwell –
There are few people I’ve met who carry as much weight
as Jamie (as he likes to be called). If you only know him
as a pig befriender or the guy who gets hated in Eraser,
then you’re mistaken. The guy is an actor’s actor and a
classy gent to boot. I thought I was going to be way out
of my league and intimidated by him, but he turned out to
be a really centered and hip dude.
The
Rock – Most
charismatic and engaging person I’ve ever met in my life.
bar none. I hate wrestling and I hate The Scorpion King,
but this guy is a beacon of personality and energy that
I found myself in awe of. Incredible.
Chris
Tucker – Dead
serious. No shit. It threw me for a loop. Uncomfortable
too. I think I like it about him now, that he wasn’t "on"
24/7 but at the time it just left me cold.
If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
The
Fact this Exists is Hilarious, Part 27.
Hilarious…
and fucking BRILLIANT!
If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
Mailbagsukidoji:
They
say that the Internet is filled with fools, but we’re out
to prove them wrong. Of course, who are these "they"
people we always hear about? Of course, your comments are
the lifeblood of this column. Please keep them coming. Don’t
be afraid to hold back. Regardless,
here’s another batch of letters from the great Sewer Chewership
out there. To send a letter, CLICK
HERE.
Pack
Yer Bags, We’re Goin’ on a GILF Trip.
Dan
Writes: Holy Mackerel, I just glanced up and saw today’s
CHUDMAN…the GILF. It’s absolutely one of the funniest
things I’ve ever seen on the site, and that’s saying quite
a bit. Thanks for the laugh, and keep up the good work.
Nick’s
Reply: Thank you! The
CHUD Man is one of our least appreciated features
and that is saying an awful lot. It has incredible competition
for that honor.
Morality
Play.
Brad
Writes: I don’t know if this has been done to death
but what’s up with TV morality? I was watching a particularly
gruesome episode of CSI last night. They don’t hesitate
to show dismembered corpses (and membered corpses too) in
various states of decay, but you will never see that corpse’s
nipples [1.](if
the cadaver be a woman). They’ll show guts ripped out
and bullets entering brains but not the nipple. As if nipples
are somehow more disturbing than clinically presented grue.
Nipples
are great. It’s like the old joke: How do you make
3 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Is there
some kind of petition I can sign, or rally I can join, or
product I can boycott in order to increase the nipple quota
on TV? Even if its just a hint of nip?[2.]
I
should qualify this by adding that I am Australian[3.].
But even so, our TV programming is predominantly imported
from the U.S (Don’t get me started on how the Free
Trade Agreement is arse raping the quota of Australian-produced
programs screened with a big, spiky pineapple). And though
we have more than our fair share of moral crusaders trying
to dictate what us free-thinking adults can watch, the average
Aussie has no aversion to a slip of nip or a suggestion
of pube.
On
another note: Death Race 2000 is the most fucked up movie
I’ve ever seen[4.].
I think they should remake it. (With extra nipple)
On
yet another note: Give more reviews to Jeremy Slater[5.].
That guy is funnier than a nipple on an arse cheek.
Thanks, love your site[6.].
Nick’s
Reply: [1.]Pervert much? [2.]I
agree that they’ve got their heads up their asses as far
as what should and shouldn’t be shown on television but
I think people will always have that anal retentive gene
when it comes to THE CHILDREN even though most kids
have showered with their parents and seen the silly and
alien apparatus hanging from or up in us. [3.]Steve Murphy
wants to screw you. [4.]See more movies. [1.]Jeremy’s only
here because of affirmative action. The law says we need
a gay dwarf on staff and he’s it. Don’t push your luck.
[6.]I’ll try to.
Sin
Shitty?
Kevin
Writes: I finally had a chance to view the Sin City
footage. It’s quite disappointing. As I watched the handful
of actors scream, ooze, and seethe their dialogue through
facial prothesis, I had the overwhelming feeling that neither
of those guys could act tough enough to fill the shoes of
Frank Miller’s characters. They’re all pampered Hollywood
pussies. Don’t get me wrong. I like most of those actors,
especially Benicio Del Toro. His performance in "Way
of the Gun" is understated gold. He brought some bona
fide man shit to that role. I just don’t get the same vibe
(I’m so hip) from the Sin City piece.
My
solution – animate that thing! The source material is screaming
to be animated. A gritty noir such as Sin City would be
a much needed shot in the arm to an industry laden with
anthropomorphic fish movies. I liked "Finding Nemo"
as much as the next guy, but there is room for more adult
fare. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this
flick is going to be a mega-nutpunch. I hope I’m wrong.
Nick’s
Reply: Well, it’s too late to animate the movie now.
It’s happening. I saw the footage and while there were some
nice moody shots and all… I had no love for what I saw.
About
Bob.
Sean
Writes: "Get out of the cagglaallalaglglaaaa!"
Good
work, Nick. This is easily the best quote the site has ever
used. I can’t believe I’m not the only one who finds this
particular line of dialogue to be friggin’ hysterical! I
say it all the time…and no one knows what the hell I’m
talking about.
Nick’s
Reply: I love that line too. Me and my buddy
Brian used to do hundreds of variations on the line and
it’s pretty much the only thing I can tolerate about What
About Bob?. The film was on TBS recently and all
I could think about was hoiw stupid I was for liking the
film in theaters. Oh, and Bill Murray’s wardrobe? Yentl
wept.
Cutting
Slack.
Ken
Writes: In Steady Leak #80 you said you hated Alex Gonzalez.
Which one and why? And cut Selig some slack. Because of
him we have the Wild Card. Without that some great baseball
moments would not have happened and the sport would be in
financial trouble w/ so many teams out of it by August 1st.
Also do you have a take on the possibility of Joss Whedon
landing X3?
Nick’s
Reply: Alex
Gonzalez (the Marlin) just has this air of asshole-ness
about him that infuriates me. He looks like he just doesn’t
give a shit. Plus, he tends to hit homers against the Braves
and is a member of the team I hate most (never lost a playoff
series) on Earth. I think Joss Whedon’s not ready for X3.
I like him, I think he’s doing good work with the comic,
I just don’t think he’s ready for it. I hope he proves me
wrong, but I’m not excited at all for the project at this
time.
Wimmer
Update.
Aaron
Writes: Just another e-mail from the one person who
seems to care about this project. Kurt Wimmer has finished
filming Ultraviolet and we still have got no coverage, no
set photos, no nice pics of the svelte Milla Jovosomething,
who dare I say, in my mentally addled opinion, has something
that might be described as potential, sort off, in a way.
But then Resident Evil Apocalypse hasn’t come out here (Australia)
yet so that may well poison the whole thing. Anyway, I know
you guys only get what gets set to you and what you steal
but, any idea when we might here something?
Nick’s
Reply:
I’ll get you an update soon. I promise.
CSI
Hate.
Yuri
Writes: Sure, the CSI looks great, but it’s also
deplorably stupid. However, that might just be something
symptomatic of the times we live in – an emphasis on
style over substance. CSI and its offshoots, Gary Sinise
or not, are really just noisy, overly elaborate and the
characterizations are wafer thin. I can’t stand the
show. All of the jump cuts and cool editing can’t gloss
over the fact that the show is insipid. Granted, it’s
still just TV, but knowing and working with the police as
I do, I know at least one who’s routinely annoyed by
the show, saying it actually impedes people formulating
a real image of police work. Like him attending a crime
scene and somebody not understanding why he isn’t lifting
prints like they do in CSI. Of course, CSI is just entertainment,
but I think we owe it to ourselves to demand better. Even
if the CSI technical folk were working on major features,
we’d still be in the same boat – great looks,
empty head. The advancements don’t necessarily amount
to progress.
Nick’s
Reply: I enjoy CSI to some extent, though I haven’t
ever seen their Miami, New York, and Boise spinoffs so they
could suck ram dick and I’d be none the wiser. William L.
Bowlegged is too good to ignore.
From
the pages of Sci-Fi…
Mike
Writes: Just wanted to let you know that I’m a huge
fan of your site. A Sci-Fi magazine article was where I
first read of the words chud.com. It was either written
by you or Devin, I’m sure one of you remembers (or not).
Anyway, I’ve visited chud just about every day for the past
four years and it just seems to get better and better with
each visit.
Nick’s
Reply:
Holy shit, you’re the guy who read my column! I did the
RANT column for the last few months of the magazine’s former
(and better) existence, and the wheels came off and we were
homeless. That’s something common in the magazine world.
I’m glad you found the site through there and I hope we
can continue to improve and be that rare place that doesn’t
"jump the shark" unless we already have.
Holding
out for a Hero.
Joel
Writes: I did not know exactly where to send this email,
so I thought I’d try you. I just got done watching the movie
Hero, and was blown away. In my opinion it rivals Crouching
Tiger in many ways. While the action scenes are not as breath
taking as Tiger, the directors use of color and camera angles
make this one of the most aesthetically pleasing movies
I have ever seen. The landscapes were beautiful, and the
costuming was amazing. I am not sure if any of you on the
site have reviewed it yet, but if not when you finally get
to see it, you are in for real cinematic treat.
Nick’s
Reply: Because I honestly never
thought it’d see American screens, I bought an import at
the San Diego Comic Con a year and a half ago. I loved the
movie and was glad/surprised to see Miramax give it a decent
release. I like it better than Crouching Tiger in
many respects, and hope all of our readers who aren’t too
cool to read subtitles caught it during its recent run.
Wrong
Email Address?
SettingCaptivesFree
Writes: Greetings!
Wow…what
a lesson! God is so awesome in how He has dealt with our
sin problem through the cross of Jesus Christ. I hope you
are in awe of this great gift of grace, too![1.]
You
know, the cross has everything to do with breaking the power
of sin in our lives, because it is through the cross of
Jesus Christ [2.]that
our sin has been forgiven and it is through the resurrection
of Jesus Christ that we have power to overcome. So the gospel
is extremely important in our path to freedom from overeating.
We
praise God for the gift He has given us in His Word, the
Bible. We love Gods Word[3.]!
In 1 Corinthians 15:54-58, we read the following:
"54
So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this
mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to
pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed
up in victory[4.]."
55
"O Death, where is your sting[5.]?
O Hades, where is your victory?"
56
The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the
law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through
our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brethren,
be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of
the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the
Lord".
This
declaration of victory over sin and death finishes the chapter
that began with the gospel (verses 1-4 of chapter 15). This
shows us the value of the gospel, that the end result is
our victory! Victory in Jesus Christ[6.]!
It
is our hope as you continue through The Lords Table [7.]that
you will grow more and more to treasure both the cross and
the victory the gospel brings to our lives.
Nick’s
Reply: [1.]
Have you seen The Passion of the Christ? It’s
bitchin’! [2.] Actually, the cross is Jesus’ least
favorite place. I think there are other things that make
people proud of their Christian heritage and what the scriptures
have taught you. The cross… well, it HURT. [3.] Who
is Gods? Some geometrical
relative of Zardoz? Don’t be tossing Hieroglyphics at me
before my morning coffee! [4.] Yuck! [5.] Recording albums
and Disney soundtracks at a steady clip, I’m sad to report.
[6.]
Michael Caine and Stallone were awesome, weren’t they? [7.]
Lords
probably owes some copyright dough to Gods.
Folks, the only reason I included this email in here is
because its subject was this: "FEEDBACK: STEADY LEAK".
Holy holies.
Alien
vs. Freelance.
James
Writes: Hey Nick. Just a couple of quick words, first
of all to say that I’ve loved the site for a long time (it’s
at the top of mt Favourites list!), and that I am looking
forward to the upcoming changes. Howeve, screw changing
the background colour[1.].
I’ve found CHUD to be the consistently the easiest movie
news site to read because you don’t have to feel like you’re
squinting into a lightbulb anytime you want to read something.
I very much hate the stark white backgrounds of most sites,
and I hope I’m not alone in thinking that the black background
is way better…
Anyway, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about Alien vs Predator
by now, but I saw it today, and I just had to sound off.
I had never really disliked Paul WS Anderson before today
– Event Horizon and Resident Evil weren’t exactly great
films, but they had plenty of style and visual flair. This
has been enough to redeem him in my eyes, but this movie
really changed my entire view on the guy. He took a concept
that could have been a perfect match, and promptly pissed
all over it. I mean, what the fuck?! Everything about the
movie just made me cringe, and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t
the only person who just… who just died a little inside…
First of all, he claims to be a huge fan of both series,
but it’s all horseshit. If he’d have watched Alien, he’d
have known that the scariest thing about that creature was
that you hardly ever saw it[2.].
If he’d have watched Aliens, he’d have known that having
characters you care about is the crux of the whole movie.
If he’d have watched Alien 3 (and this is a point that really
gets to me), he’d have known that fucking Michael Bishop
(the "real" Bishop toward the end of the flick)
was the basis for the Bishop models, not friggin’ Weyland!
If he’d have watched Alien: Resurrection… well, he’d have
wasted two hours of his life. And if he’d have watched either
of the Predator movies, he’d have known that the Preds are
stealthy, unseen hunters… not fucking pompous gods that
come to Earth and order shit around[3.].
These examples just came off the top of my head, and Paul
Anderson had all the time in the world to think about that
shit. How Anderson keeps getting these sweet directing gigs
is really beyond me, but it’s really starting to become
quite annoying. At least give the guy shit like xXx or Riddick
or something… not stuff that has potential!
But hey, enough of my bitching for now; the last thing I
wanted to talk about was DVD reviews. I see a few titles
that haven’t been reviewed on the site yet, but I really
don’t have the time to commit fully to a tight schedule.
Do you accept "freelance" work, or would I have
to quit my job to get some word-space on CHUD[4.]?
Nick’s
Reply: [1.]My experiments have led me back to black
(more on that in the next letter), so the background will
indeed remain as is. [2.]Wrong. The scariest thing about
the creature is that it knows what Yaphet Kotto tastes like
(more on that in the next letter). [3.]How dare you! The
Shit Around is what I order at Wendy’s every time! [4.]I’m
feeling out some new reviewers (more on that in the next
letter), so I think we’re doing alright. As for "freelance",
it depends on your terms. We can’t afford to pay people,
and most of the people who want to contribute only want
to do fun stuff like editorials and reviews, stuff that
is all about pushing their opinions out there. That’s cool,
but it sometimes dilutes the editorial focus of the site.
What we need is people who aren’t above writing news items,
reviewing magazines, and some of the less fun trench work.
At least, that’s the case right now. No offense to her,
but Eileen kind of disappeared and left us hanging. So,
we’re scrambling a little.
SPAM
OF THE DAY.
Black
Cock Writes: Huge black cocks pound squealing white
bitches!
Nick’s
Reply: Black Cock speaks truths. I think that Black
Cock probably needs a little work in the grammar department,
because a sentence as compelling as that one needs others
surrounding it to really have the full impact. I don’t feel
that the squealing white bitches’ true experience is complete
without further description. I know that Black Cock obviously
is passionate about his/her words but to really drive home
the impact of what huge black cocks can achieve, you just
can’t leave us hanging. Black Cock, tell us more!
Shameless
Self-Promotion Dept:
Since
so few of you read the message boards, I’m going to pop
in a few self promotional tidbits here from time to time.
The great thing is: You can avoid this section if it bothers
you.
The
archive of my CNN.com articles is right HERE.
A new one appears every Tuesday. The latest is The Grimm
Leaper, right
here.
Song
of the day: KILLING UTOPIA, by PKG. This song will
kick your ass up and down Main St. It’s a fact. Click HERE
to download and HERE
for a place to comment.
‘IF
CHUD Ran the Movies’, by Nick Nunziata
See
you soon!