Island of Misfit Films: Special Holiday Oppression Edition

App. # 1022.04/DW11.6
Point of Origin  Dream Works, through Live Planet
Passage Via  Affleck, Ben  —  Applegate, Christina

APPLICATION STATUS

Holiday-themed movies have become more than a tradition in Hollywood, they are now a requirement.  As a result the inspiring and uplifting films of yuletide past have given way to formulaic and ill-conceived titles which possess more of a holiday theme than a storyline.  These are the days of wacky, low-concept releases carrying just enough elements to qualify as a holiday release, and barely enough content to flesh out a full running time.  Add to that the concept this movie chooses to embrace; rather than the usual lecture condemning consumerism this film posits that it is indeed possible to purchase happiness during Christmas.  C’mon, let’s go see how that conceit managed to flame out like a Yule log!

APPLICANT’S ORIGINS

While foisting holiday-themed pictures on the public studios also forward their warp views of life.  Over the years we have been lectured on two prevailing holiday themes.  One is that our families are a collective of emotionally wracked dysfunction. Everybody’s family is bat-shit nuts! Interesting that given the prevalence of destructive family portrayals in films the general public still tends to collocate with kin. Maybe the studios are not holding up a mirror to us all after all?  I believe this is the case because of the flaw in the second theme we are forced to swallow.

For generations we have all heard the holidays are steeped in deep emotional stress and for many this is a depressing time.  Most have heard the annual telling how the holiday season brings an elevated number of suicides.  Well guess what? That is a complete load of reindeer droppings.  I looked into the stats and it turns out that not only is there no increase this season but December features the LOWEST rate of suicides.  Well now, that certainly will put a dent in the message lecturing us on how we should not be enjoying ourselves.

This inconvenient truth however did not interrupt the forces behind “Surviving Christmas”.  The writing team of Deborah Kaplan and Harry Elfont (“Josie and the Pussycats”, “Leap Year”) created a script for director Mike Mitchell, himself a former writer from “SpongeBob Squarepants”. Their result was problematic and needed script doctoring; however the ironclad holiday release date precluded delays, so the unwise move was to begin filming before the rewrites came in. No surprise the studio found itself in possession of a flawed product, but then they took a peek at the upcoming schedule. Their misfire was going to face tent pole competition like “The Incredibles”, “National Treasure”, and in a bit of cruel irony, “The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie”.  Prospects at profitability went from poor to “snowball’s chance in Cancun”.

With more than a whiff of desperation rather than take on those blockbusters Dreamworks resorted to a gamble.  What if they became the first holiday picture to be released that year? Thus, their Christmas movie was actually released more than a week before Halloween.  Did it work? Well, it’s like this; the holiday disaster could not even earn $12 million by the end of its run. They might have drawn better had they had stayed in season, becoming an alternative for audiences shut out of the sold-out competition.  Then again, the content of this film is so contemptible I doubt any good fortune would have arrived.

VALIDATION FOR PASSAGE

The title sequence begins with a holiday adorned city and gradually shifts to individual vignettes, with numerous people enduring their version of seasonal distress. A woman looks glum watching holiday specials, a guy hanging lights falls off a ladder, and a grandmother is making morose baked goods. These are intercut with repeated views of actor Tom Kenny (the voice of SpongeBob) struggling to wrap a gift. All this strife is ironically juxtaposed with the peppy Andy Williams anthem “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”. As the song builds to its excitable crescendo we watch as Nana turns on the oven and promptly inserts her head inside.

Now then, we have not even begun our fable and we are assaulted with visions of sour plums.  We flash-pan to a boardroom where heartless and holiday-averse advertising executive Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) is pitching a new campaign for a brand of eggnog fortified with 10% alcohol.  The corporate suits seem confused by their own product having alcohol – and by calendars.  As the credits and storyline explain, we are mere days away from Christmas, yet they are just now starting their ad push? Unless this is gearing up for next year they better expect these commercials to be loaded with stock footage.

They buy Drew’s spiel and he’s positioned as genius. That will soon be proven false. At home in his spacious loft he gives an early present to his whiny, tight-ass girlfriend – tickets to Fiji on Christmas day.  She was expecting something more significant and then carps the holidays are for family. She gets so pissy in fact they break up, and she says he can spend Christmas alone.  Understand, this is over a highly generous gift. Was it insensitive? Sure, but can’t you reschedule plane tickets?  Damn, imagine if he had given her a bad gift, like a Chia-Pet.  She’d probably set his sofa on fire and dump bleach in his aquarium.

The next day we see Drew paging through his Rolodex, making numerous calls in a desperate attempt to insinuate himself into the holiday plans of anybody he knows. This makes no sense. The introduction was showing Christmas as an inconvenience for this guy and in half a day he is scrambling for love by the hearth?  Therapists might declare he has been diagnosed with North-Polar Disorder. We next see him at home that night, eating alone while a sad piano plays on the soundtrack. Oh PLEASE!  Yea, we’re supposed to feel bad for this privileged tool, in his sprawling apartment with 60” plasma television, like he’s Tiny Tim.

There’s a questionable scene where he confronts the girlfriend’s therapist at the airport, who ethically counsels Drew on the fly.  He suggests going to a place from his past, writing out his grievances, and then burning the paper.  This leads Drew to pull up to his childhood home.  As he prowls the front yard we meet the current denizens, Tom and Christine Valco (James Galdolfini and Catherine O’Hara).  They are a miserable couple with an insolent teen son who is addicted to porn. Between surly comments they look outside to see Drew reliving his youth.

Drew then elects to kneel down and take out his grievance list, getting ready to set it aflame.  Understand this brilliant executive has not informed the property owners why he is trespassing.  Therefore as he completes his ritual Tom crowns him in the melon with a snow shovel.

Drew is leveled on the sidewalk, our suffering is over, and this has a happy ending!

Well no . . . we are not even fifteen minutes into this dreck. Hauled inside once Drew regains consciousness he explains he used to live there, so they show this lunatic around their home.  Upon leaving he pleads to spend more time with their family during Christmas, and after stating his family is not for sale Tom relents once he hears Drew’s offer of $250,000. “Welcome home, son,” is his reply.  And just that quick a disturbing and questionable arrangement is struck: Drew leases the Valcos for the holidays. But ponder the magic of this for a moment. On one hand you have a soulless, craven individual who believes heartfelt emotions and experiences can be had with a checkbook, and on the other side is a man with no scruples who places a price tag on his family.  These two unbelievable individuals managed to find each other, and in time for the holidays!  It’s a Christmas miracle . . . or, a convenient plot contortion from unimaginative writers.

Either the case, these are repugnant individuals.  Oh come, let us abhor them!

Drew inserts himself into the family, they play along with the enthusiasm of an addict during an intervention, all while he behaves like he’s gone off his meds.  Ramping up the comedy a lawyer comes in to draw up a contract explaining the requirements to fulfill Drew’s whims. NOTHING is funnier than compulsory merriment.  Fortunately we are spared negotiations over chestnut allergies and the rider stipulating gluten-free Christmas cookies.

So while they roll their eyes Drew bounces around like an adolescent who got into the Red Bull.  He compels the Valcos to replicate his childhood memories, all while referring to them as Mom and Dad. They go through the motions with contempt, this movie mistaking bitterness as entertainment. All of this is intended as comedy, but every traditional activity is delivered with scorn and all cheer is rendered as a result.  This movie is like glad-tidings aversion therapy.

Just as we are about to roast the DVD into an open fire the Valco’s eldest daughter Alicia (Christina Applegate) comes home.  Alicia has no clue what has been happening and serves as the moral center of this amoral film, condemning the family’s actions and belittling Drew. His solution at restoring order to his debased fantasy is to hand out scripts so everyone will play along in appropriate fashion.  Such a paradox; displaying a character more interested in a screenplay than the director of the actual film.  And as if we have not departed far enough from normalcy Drew introduces a new “character”.  He brings in an elderly man from a community theater company to play the role of his grandfather.  Since Drew needs a GPS in order to return to reality Tom should cash his check and simply have him committed.

Amazingly Drew’s contrived plan is not actually working out.  The family bickers, Alicia is pissed, and the couple plans to split up. Moronically Christine opens up to the psychotically damaged Drew, and his solution is for her to go shopping and dress like a hooker.  We then are supposed to believe Drew is gradually having a positive effect on the family, bringing them together incrementally. He’s kind of like chemotherapy; sure you’re in constant pain, and you vomit like a sewer release valve, but ultimately he’ll be good for you!

He is even starting to bring Alicia around.  After listening to a childhood memory from her about a beautiful ice-encrusted tree he walks her out to a forest and shows her that he rediscovered it.

Alicia is enraptured.  She stares at it, and breaks down internally, her tears reflective of its beauty.  She is starting to swoon.  Then he pulls out a walkie-talkie and says “Hit it.”  All manner of opulent holiday display walks into view, from toy soldiers, elves, and a manager scene, complete with a camel. There’s a choir, spotlights, and music playing.

The garish excess of it all ruins the mood, and Alicia becomes upset and storms off.  I might suggest she get checked for a possible stroke, because clearly her vision is compromised.  How did she not see all these items just out of camera range, including an angel lowered from above?!

The climax of this whole fiasco is a miasma. Drew pleads his love to Alicia (after just two days) but then his girlfriend returns. (Don’t ask how she found their house.)  Her family also arrives and for some reason Drew needs the Valcos to keep up the act to impress her, so he bribes the family again.  Meanwhile he’s keeping Alicia from leaving, which means this disgusting ass has acted like an inhuman disaster and becomes rewarded with the affections of TWO attractive women.  Then, to monkey-wrench this perfectly executed plan, the “grandfather” was occupied so he sent an understudy to fill his role.  Are you ready for the uproarious result?

The understudy is Black! Drew has to pretend his Grampa is ethnic!!  (Oh holy shit, where’s that fortified egg nog?!)  The rest plays out is such a monumentally unfunny staging of events that you feel angels lost their lives in the creation of the scenes.  In the end everyone leaves in anger, with Drew left alone in their house. The lone witticism in this film comes from the stand-in Grampa, who says “I feel bad drinking liquor you’re going to need. I better go.”

So the plot to dehumanize a family and cheapen their very souls with dollars somehow ended badly? I’ll have to remember that.  Then, after executing a hate-crime against common decency, the film tries to bail itself out. The entire Valco family arbitrarily decides to individually attend the sold out performance of the actor/Grandpa in “A Christmas Carol”, because that is what people do on Christmas Day, instead of spending time with loved ones. The explanation is that the Valcos all arrived because they consider “Grandpa” to be family. That would be the guy who they met only briefly and never learned his real name, while he pretended to be someone else. Yep, now he’s family.

Outside Drew finds Alicia, they declare their love, and kiss in the snow.  Then we close with the whole “family” dining together for a happy ending.  This result is so remarkably unlikely as to approach science fiction.  A more believable explanation for mending the emotional scars of this family unit in a holiday setting might be to pack the attic and the crawl spaces of the Valco home with mistletoe. And maybe filtering ether through the air conditioning system.

QUOTES FROM REFERENCES

• Enjoy our family, so you can enjoy your family.  – Drew’s tagline for his fortified eggnog.

• DREW (Following His Pitch Meeting)  I feel like I can sell whale steaks to Greenpeace.

• DREW (on staircase): Did you hear that? That stair squeaked. (begins hopping in place) Do you know what we used to call that squeaky stair? “The Squeaky Stair!” Ha ha ha ha!

• DREW (During Christine’s emotional crisis): Let’s go shopping!

• CHRISTINE:  For what?!

• DREW:  I don’t know – sometimes it’s just fun to buy shit!

OFFICIAL STATEMENT

It is somewhat amazing to consider after generations of releases touting the importance of loved ones, and condemning commercialization of the holidays, that a film would attempt to send the opposite message.  Hard to imagine a movie delivering the story of a craven asshole who tries to buy his happiness during the holidays – and then receives said happiness – would fail to find purchase in the hearts of audiences.  Oh, maybe it has to do with a fundamental flaw: The abject lack of common decency.

APPLICATION JUDGEMENT APPROVED