We’re usually taught to respect our elders, but there have been plenty of characters in film who never quite got that memo. There’s a long and proud tradition in movies of elderly abuse and bad doings being transgressed on the 4:30 dinner crowd. This is the generation that did things like survive the Great Depression, fight the Nazis (and the Reds!), raise our parents and all too often us. One would think they’d earned a bit of consideration like guaranteed Social Security, adult diapers that don’t leak or generally not getting the shit beat out of them and snuffed like some third-rate red shirt. In this CHUD list, we’re going to take a look at a batch of old timers who, unfortunately, turned into having-a-really-bad-timers.
The Film: The Blob (1988)
Buy It From CHUD
The Director: Chuck Russell
The Elder: The Can Man
The first victim of the thermal snot bubble, who saw its satellite fall from the sky and went to check it out. Damn thing interrupted his can stompin’, which was about as exciting as it got for Can Man…other than watching Brian Flagg Knievel himself off the broken bridge and into the ditch, that is.
The Abuse: Innards meltin’
Lot of people got deliquesced in this movie, but Can Man was the first, and his dispatching wasn’t exactly the most pleasant. The Blob was only about the size of a meatloaf when Can Man came upon it, but that quickly changed when it came upon him. Then he became the meatloaf. Or rather, something more akin to a hobo lasagna. And the Blob worked its way through his insides like it was Garfield.
Lack Of Respect By: The Blob
Germ warfare experiment that got fucked up, turning it into a plasmic lifeform that hunted its prey. Growing at a geometric rate, it put on pounds quicker than Kirstie Alley post-Jenny Craig. Not a fan of cold weather, it preferred to winter inside homeless people, sewers, sinks and drunk dates. However, when the temperature fell, it could also double as stylish quartz jewelry. Just make sure you wear it only in meat lockers. If there’s any silver lining to this for Can Man, at least there was enough of him left to scoop into a coffin for some kind of funeral service. Most people ended up as roving liquefied thermal mucus.
Did He Have It Coming? No. But then again, neither did Paul,
…nor Joe the Cook…
…nor Fran the diner waitress…
…nor Sheriff Herb…
…nor melty-faced guy…
Thing-like!
…nor Deputy Bill…
…nor did the projectionist…
…nor did the usher…
…nor did Eddie…
A Kid Kill!
…nor many of the other people who ended up as townsfolkmelts. Would-be date rapist, Scott Jeske? Maybe.
Dr. Meddows? Definitely.
Bonus Geriatrocity!
Ole Blobby didn’t discriminate…he just disintegrated. And Can Man was first on his hit list.
Could the AARP Have Helped? Only if they were rolling into town in refrigerated tanks with freon munitions and liquid nitrogen spray nozzles. Or fire extinguishers the size of grain silos.
If Nature Had Taken Its Course? Can Man dies alone in the woods. Possibly with a skillet tied to his shoe.
What Andy Rooney Might Say: Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer the good old days when our amorphous predatory lifeforms looked more like jello molds or strawberry jam rather than pink snot. Winston Zeddemore hated jello, but I’m with Dr. Peter Venkman: I think there’s always room for jello. And I love strawberry jam. Back during the War, you were lucky if you could even find jam. And you certainly counted yourself fortunate if you happened upon some jello, especially when the Krauts were threatening to overrun your position. And of course, this was back before this whole “gluten-free” fad that I don’t like. Do you even know what gluten does? It’s a protein composite from foods that are processed from wheat. It gives elasticity to dough, helps it rise and maintain its shape. Who likes flat, shapeless bread? I don’t. Gluten is also used in imitation meats and added as a stabilizing agent to things like ice cream and ketchup. I love imitation meats, I love ice cream and I love ketchup…though not usually all together. There are only about .5% to 1% of people who have gluten allergies, but you see gluten-free diet restaurants all over the place. They’re taking over America quite frankly. But when it comes to those who like gluten, I’m the 99%…
Day One – Gremlins
Day Two – Kiss of Death
Day Three – Punisher: War Zone
Day Four – Deadly Friend
Day Five – Bad Lieutenant: POCNO
Day Six – Lord of the Rings: ROTK
Day Seven – Die Hard
Day Eight – Highlander
Day Nine – Hot Fuzz
Day Ten – The Birds
Day Eleven – Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?
Day Twelve – The Shining
Day Thirteen – Way of the Gun
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