Let’s ease back into things. Let’s do it with the lights turned low.
Medication will clear that up
Like the dirtiest little whorehouse in all of Texas, Poseidon (read Devin’s negative review)
is filled with cheap thrills and no redeeming social values.
Masquerading as an overblown epic, Wolfgang Petersen’s film manages to
be incessantly ringing off of its hook. I say that because each scene
is telegraphed – from the ridiculously stupid deaths (watch for, as
Devin puts it, “The Kevin Dillion Death Countdown™”)
to the confusing reasons why Richard Dreyfuss’ character decides he
wants to live after contemplating suicide. The central processor here
does not compute and it does not accomplish its goals without ushering
in an unheralded level of mediocre irrationality. You can’t help but be
weighed down as the badly rendered CGI boat not only sinks into the
depths of the unforgiving sea, but also because the movie drags on
longer than your pleas to get Shadowmage Infiltrator over to your house
to hang out.
Ladies & Gentlemen, we are not exactly sure what has happened – with:
– Poseidon: A Ship on a Soundstage: documentary on the complexities of making a modern adventure movie
– A Shipmate’s Diary: a film school intern’s experiences on the set
– Poseidon: Upside Down: featurette on the set design
– Rogue Waves documentary, originally made for The History Channel
– Theatrical trailer (which is also the only extra on the single disc)
You’ll also notice that Peterson is conspicuously absent from a commentary track.
If they’re right in turning video games into movies, you get Mortal Kombat. If they’re wrong, you get Super Mario Brothers.
And a six-week coma. That still doesn’t stop the elusive “them” from
developing projects to excite that base audience, which is exactly why Silent Hill (read Russ’ review and Ian’s DVD review)
follows that predetermined path. Radha Mitchell is the frantic
protagonist searching for her daughter in a land that reminds me of a
cross between parts of Pittsburgh and Massachusetts. Working from a
script by Internet demigod Roger Avery, Director Christophe Gans
stresses mood over plot, and incoherency over being a good natured
experience. Since it flounders badly in all departments, at least
there’s a large presence named Pyramid Head to fatefully engage your
deviant dreams. And if that’s all it takes, then I’ve got a war against
bugs to sell you on Planet Klendathu.
Look at me, I’m burning – with:
– Path of Darkness, a six-part Silent Hill production diary (with the subparts Origins of Silent Hill, Casting the film, Building Silent Hill (the town), Stars and Stunts, Creature Choreography, and Constructing the Creepy Creatures from the film).
A nostalgic Pandora’s Box has been opened by Universal and their release of the seminal ‘tween film The Wizard.
Fred Savage, Jenny Lewis, the Christian Slater/Beau Bridges
relationship dance. Then there’s a Powerglove that’s, in the mighty
words of Lucas, “so bad,” and,
say it with me now – VIDEO ARMAGGEDON. Coincidentally, this could also
describe the rickety qualities of Todd Holland’s film, which
unfortunately has been dated faster and harder than your atypical
Friday night. Argued that it’s essentially one long Nintendo
commercial, it’s one with heart, goddamnit, and you can’t easily rip
that out of someone who’s enjoyed the film with a wink, a nod, and a
steady push against his cinematic morals. I’ve never thought of it as
sly subliminal advertising, that was, until I revisited the film. As a
piece of cunning camp, The Wizard more often succeeds in enthralling the little boy inside of me that many of the opposite sex have laughed at.
Aaaaaaaah! He touched my breast! – with:
– Repeat after me: “The Wizard. In it’s original aspect ratio.”
There
are people who love film, people who love watching film, and then those
who fit outside the spectrum by not loving it at all and then positing
about it on internet Message Boards. Oregonian filmmaker James Westby
tries to pigeonhole the whole experience with his new film Film Geek.
Westby’s no-budget independent extravaganza has been getting raves from
an eclectic mix of people (Spurlock, Plympton, and Schwarzbaum).
Speaking of which, everyone has an experience either working in a video
store or a theatre and that’s the basis of Scotty. He runs a webpage
that gets zero hits, works diligently checking out everything from his
humble video abode, and demolishes others with his brimming knowledge.
His social life is sorely lacking – and spoiler alert! (for your entire
life) – ruining his chances to knock a virginal boot for once in his
lonely life. That is, until after he’s able to vent about a girl
anonymously on a movie Message Board.
Sam Fuller is so underrated – with:
– A behind-the-scenes featurette
– Outtakes
– Film notes
– Short film: The Auteur
– Photo gallery
– Cast & Crew biographies
– Theatrical trailer
Sydney
Pollack might want to watch out next time he steps into Brooklyn, since
there’s been a case brewing against the subject of his documentary,
Frank Gehry. The formidable architect’s modernistic DeCon designs,
which glaze the curvaceous futuristic splashes of the Disney Concert
Hall, are in Jonathan Lethem’s sights (read his open letter here). Pollack, meanwhile, takes a more warmhearted approach with his friend in Sketches of Frank Gehry.
Humanizing the populist isn’t much of a tough nut to crack, as Gehry’s
thoughts spill out over each item he presides over and are backed up by
several famous heavyweights (like Ovitz, Diller, Eisner, and … Dennis
Hopper) with their million-dollar praise. What’s interesting about the
whole process is that Pollack attempts a new genre to create in, after
sputtering out in a narrative sense (his last great movie was 1993’s The Firm). Hopefully this recharges his batteries. If not, maybe we’ll get the long awaited conjecture project, Sketches of Escher: A line requiem in four repeating acts.
Extras include:
– Q&A with director Sydney Pollack
– Trailers
It’s an oft-repeated running joke in my house that House, M.D.
just needs to have a t-shirt that says loudly “I DON’T PLAY BY THE
RULES!,” preferably in a large red font. That way, he’d have his
t-shirt tucked out and people would never bother questioning him ever
again. Let House’s patented unorthodox methods deal with it. Don’t believe him? The finger comes jabbing at the t-shirt, pal. Season Two continues
Hugh Laurie’s smarmy, smartass commentary on the state of the modern
HMO with his effortlessly aloof portrayal of a person that watches
General Hospital, just like you. And while those icky, slimy, scary
infectious diseases run rampant in House‘s
hospital (which, by the way, is a question I guess no one is asking.
Why does House get a ridiculous amount of wacky diseases to fight. What
kind of a skewed Three Mile Island are these people living in?,) the
real cause behind it all is just so I can see if one of the producers
reads this and take my consideration into their own.
I’m a little busy – gettin’ my drink on – with:
– Commentary by executive producers David Shore and Katie Jacobs on the episodes Autopsy and No Reason
– An Evening With House: panel discussion at the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences with the cast and executive producers
– Alternate takes from the episodes "Daddy’s Boy" and "Sleeping Dogs Lie" with Lisa Edelstein (Cutty) and Jennifer Morrison (Cameron) performing, like, Valley Girl style
– "It Could Be Lupus…" – A montage of clips highlighting the shows oft-repeated diagnosis
– Blooper Reel
Noah Baumbach didn’t get anywhere near Soccer during his debut film Kicking and Screaming,
but he did manage to prod a lot of people in their testicles. I say
that lovingly, since his unique sensibilities were like a breath of
fresh air to the gonad’ed regions of Manopolis. His cadre of recent
graduates and their unquenchable listlessness, set the stage for a
lesson in the finer points of post-collegiate life. The pushing and
pulling of the grand plan (that has, unfortunately kicked me in my
huevos more than a few times) is what ultimately scares four dudes into
living close to campus after receiving a pat on the back and a hundred
thousand dollar bill. The women of whom these manchildren rely have far
more loftier ambitions and set about doing them, pushing the men into
unexpected situations. Baumbach’s film is teaming with wonderful
observational moments that ring true and feel all-encompassing. It’s a
great personal film, so see it.
A dictionary! I’m gonna look up blowjob – with:
– Video interview with Noah Baumbach
– Video conversations with Baumbach and cast members Josh Hamilton, Chris Eigeman, and Carlos Jacott
– Baumbach’s 2000 short film Conrad and Butler in "Conrad and Butler Take a Vacation"
– Brief 1995 interviews with Baumbach and the cast, originally broadcast on IFC
– Some deleted scenes
– Theatrical trailer
– Foldout booklet with an essay by Jonathan Rosenbaum
If you’re able to scratch out the wondrous deconstruction of This Island Earth during Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie, what you’ll find lurking at the surface is a fairly entertaining film. Aside from its unforgettable kitsch, This Island Earth
takes the American spirit and improves it. A secret signal sends itself
to a cleft-jawed scientist and his incorrigible sidekick, who promptly
set about building their device to rocket them to the stars. And it
does, but with a different mission altogether, that of helping to
repair malfunctioning alien defense shield on planet Metaluna, or else
waft in the never-ending feeling of despair with some rather large
cranium freaks (*footnote here to say that if anyone want to get
together with some, e-mail my friends and I at
largecraniumfreaks@gmail.com). Joseph Newman and unbilled codirector
Jack Arnold set about and succeed at presenting a grand space adventure
that will make your own underoos achieve zero gravity in glorious
Technicolor.
There isn’t any reason around here – with:
– A slightly better image than the Image 1998 OOP release
– Theatrical trailer
Billy Wilder made many masterpieces throughout his career. Double Indemnity
was one of them. Largely regarded as one of the be-all, end-all film
noirs, Wilder and co-writer Raymond Chandler adapted James M. Cain’s
novella Three of a Kind into
a hodge-podge of skewed intentions, each one a piece of a thrilling
puzzle. The jigs fit together with the jags, as Wilder’s deft touch in
handling the cinematography allows the visuals to beef up the saucy
portrayals of lovers with motives (played, so adroitly by femme fatale
Barbara Stanwyck), the Insurance Salesmen who love them (the staunch
Fred MacMurray), and the Policemen who see the seedier side of the
whole picture (who would be played with sausage, pickles, and 100%
relish by Edward G. Robinson). Words that can describe the transcendent
experience you’ll receive are snappy, exciting, and smegma (if you’re
really, really into it). If you don’t seek this out this week and delve
deep into the awesome extras and colorful revelations, baby Jesus will
eat you.
Do I laugh now, or wait ’til it gets funny? – with:
– Audio Commentary from Film Historian Richard Schickel
– Audio Commentary with Film Historian/Screenwriter Lem Dobbs and Film Historian Nick Redman
– Introduction by Robert Osborne
– Documentary: Shadows of Suspense
– Double Indemnity TV Movie (1973, 75 mins.)
– Original theatrical trailer
If
none of the above failed to spark your hellish fires, seek help. Plus,
if/when Mr. George Lucas ever gets around to it, he should be making
personal movies again like Radioland Murders. Relive the passion and the glory of that in a new Armary case, or search wide and low for some Phat Girlz. Not that one needed help without a mirror doing that any way.
And, with even more spilling out from every orifice of this column, make sure to check out Devin’s DVD review of Threshold (click!), David’s DVD review of Veronica Mars: Season 2 (here), and my Grandfather’s idea of the worst movie ever (right here).
School’s Been Blown To Criterion Pieces
No
more pencils, no more books, since Criterion proceeds to strap on a
large bouncing ecstasy-delivering pneumatic device that will bring joy
to absolutely any film lover out there. Your schooling begins anew. The
filmmakers are astounding. Kurosawa. Tati. Fellini. Gilliam (don’t
PANIC, since it’s a single disc edition. Keep your 3 disc one). Erice.
Nakagawa. Each one bringing you a cinematic experience that remains
unparalleled, unless you’re a dick. You can’t even begin to image how
highly I rate this series of releases, since I just lost my voice
screaming at random people about how awesome and excellent September is
about to be. Here’s your assaulting cover art. My battery is exhausted.
October brings Lodge Kerrigan’s Clean, Shaven, Jane Campion’s Sweetie, Alfonso Cuaron’s Solo con tu pareja, and Francesco Rosi’s Hands over the City, on top of some annoying hellspawn bothering you for candy when you’re checking them out.
Germanicus List
If
you’re not too busy destroying retarded eye sockets on International
Talk like a Pirate Day (and please don’t even bother looking it up and
actually using that foolhardiness) or changing calendar months because
it suits you, consider these up and comers for the next 30 some odd
days.
9.5.06:
Abbott & Costello Show: 100th Anniversary Collection – Season 1
Ace Ventura: Deluxe Double Feature
Adventures of Chico & Guapo: The Complete First Season
ALF: Season Four
Almost Strangers
Animation Show Box
Bob Newhart: Complete Season Four
Brazil: Criterion Collection, SINGLE DISC
Broken Trail
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Tales of the Hellmouth
Clive Barker’s The Plague
Complete Toxic Avenger
Dead Man’s Shoes
Dust Devil
District B13
Family: The Complete First and Second Seasons
Flintstones: The Complete Sixth Season
Fraggle Rock: Complete Second Season
Frankenstein Unbound
Gang Wars
Guys and Balls
House of the Damned
Hustle: Complete Season One
Jackass: The Movie: Special Edition – Unrated
Jesse James (1939)
Jim Henson Fantasy Film Collection
Kinky Boots
The Legend of Lucy Keyes
Lost: The Complete Second Season – The Extended Experience
National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze 2: Unrated
The Other
Oz: The Complete Sixth Season
Population 436
Pretty Poison
The Return of Frank James (1940)
Shock Treatment: Special Edition
Shooting the Past
Silk Stalkings: The Complete Fifth Season
Summer Storm
Supernatural: The Complete First Season
To Be or Not to Be
The True Story of Jesse James (1957)
United 93 (also comes in 2-Disc Limited Edition)
Unknown White Male
9.12.06:
8th & Ocean: The Complete First Season
Agatha Christie Classic Mystery Collection (also with Helen Hayes and Peter Ustinov)
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America: Special Collector’s Edition
Black. White.
Bottoms Up
Cameron Diaz Collection
Death of Mr. Lazarescu
Diagnosis Murder: The Complete 1st Season
Gilmore Girls: The Complete Sixth Season
Gloomy Sunday
Goal! The Dream Begins
Great New Wonderful
The Great Yokai War
Grey’s Anatomy: Season 2 Uncut
HellBent
I Am a Sex Addict
International Cinema Collection
Kill the Poor
Kill Zone
Land Before Time: 2 Tales of Discovery and Friendship
Las Vegas: Season Three: Uncut & Uncensored
Laurel and Hardy Collection: Volume 2
Lower City (Cidade Baixa)
Lucky Number Slevin
The Maid
Martin Lawrence Collection
Michael Douglas Collection 
Miracle Match
Moonlighting: Season Four
Nicolas Cage Collection
The Office: Season Two
Pink Floyd: Pulse
Roseanne: The Complete Fifth Season
Sandra Bullock Collection
Serving in Silence: The Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer Story
Smallville: The Complete Fifth Season
SpongeBob SquarePants: Season 4 Volume 1
Star Wars: Episode IV A New Hope (Limited Edition)
Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back (Limited Edition)
Star Wars: Episode VI Return of the Jedi (Limited Edition)
Stella: Season One
Taps: 25th Anniversary Special Edition
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Season Four
Teen Titans: The Complete Second Season
Twitches (Bewitched Edition)
The Wild
Wildboyz: The Complete Seasons 3 & 4 – Uncensored
9.19.06:
10th & Wolf
Abominable
Advise & Consent
Backdraft: Anniversary Edition
Battle of the Bulg
Battlestar Galactica: Season 2.5
Boris Karloff Collection
Chris Rock Show: The Complete First & Second Seasons
Chucky: The Killer DVD Collection
Criminal Minds: The Complete First Season
Crossing the Bridge: The Sound of Istanbul
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Everybody Loves Raymond: The Complete Seventh Season
The Family Guy: Volume 2 
Go For Zucker!
Grease: Rockin’ Rydell Edition
Hard Candy
Hart to Hart: The Complete Second Season
He-Man and the Masters of the Universe: Season Two, Volume Two
Henry Fonda: The Signature Collection
King of Queens: The Complete Sixth Season
Loverboy
Mister Roberts
My Name is Earl: The Complete First Season
One Tree Hill: The Complete Third Season
The Proposition
Roar: The Complete Series
Stay Alive (also comes in a Director’s Cut)
Stick It
The Unit: Season 1
The Wrong Man
9.26.06:
Alvin and the Chipmunks: A Chipmunk Christmas (25th Anniversary Special Collector’s Edition)
Batman: The Complete Second Season
Benny Hill: Complete and Unadulterated – The Hill’s Angels Years (1982-1985)
Beowulf & Grendel
Big Animal
Book of Daniel: The Complete Series
Break-Up
Clay Bird
Connors’ War
Curious George
Daniel Boone: Seasons One and Two
Dead Zone: Special Collector’s Edition 
Dick Tracy: The Complete Animated Series
Down in the Valley
Dracula: 75th Anniversary Legacy Edition
Drop Dead Sexy
Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Frankenstein: 75th Anniversary Legacy Edition
Gormenghast
Ground Truth
Lady Vengeance
The Lake House
Masters of Horror: Imprint
Nightmare on Elm Street (Infinifilm)
The Notorious Bettie Page
Pet Sematary : Special Collector’s Edition 
Riptide: The Complete First Season
Russian Dolls
Save the Last Dance: Special Collector’s Edition
Slight Case of Murder (1999)
Stephen King Collection
Street Trash: Meltdown Edition
Texas Chain Saw Massacre 2-Disc Ultimate Edition 1973
Three Times
Voltron: Defender of the Universe (Collector’s Edition)
Whose Line Is It Anyway? Season One Vol. 1 Uncensored
Cry Upcoming
Warner
Bros. prepares to tickle your fancies all over again with the recently
(somewhat outdated) announcement of three very special collections – The Gary Cooper Signature Collection, The Marlon Brando Collection, and The Paul Newman Collection,
each one as worthwhile as the next. Sprinkled in each set are must-sees
that will enrich your cinematic worldview. I say that with the full
intention of loving Howard Hawks’ Sergeant York, which gets a spiffy Special Edition, Joseph L. Mankiewicz’s stodgy Julius Caesar, brought to life with Brando’s towering portrayal, and Paul Newman’s nuanced incarnation of Rocky in Somebody Up There Likes Me, alongside McQueen and the big man, Loggia.
The other titles are as follows: Cooper (Dallas, The Fountainhead, Sergeant York: SE, Springfield Rifle, and The Wreck Of The Mary Deare), Brando (Mutiny on the Bounty: SE, Julius Caesar, The Formula, Reflections in a Golden Eye, and Teahouse of the August Moon), and finally, Newman with Harper, The Drowning Pool, The Left-Handed Gun, The Mackintosh Man, Pocket Money, Somebody Up There Likes Me and The Young Philadelphians.
It would be foolish of you to ignore these sets, with Cooper and Brando on 11.7.06 and Newman arriving on 11.14.06.
Region L