the late 90’s (except for 2005, which was my "dark year at CHUD.com")
we’ve done a CHUD Babe Draft. It used to be a little creepier back in
the day, a concept of an island populated by Chewers complete with each
of these handpicked "harems" of the best and brightest and bounciest
dames in Hollywood’s arsenal.
Now, it’s just a fun thing for bragging rights or a chance to showcase
good or really bad taste amongst a cross section of the veteran message
board presences. This year I felt it’d be fun to complement the draft
with a running commentary by a handful of folks, the first being Brian
Wehman. His fun and sometimes freakish words follow.
and if you didn’t know… this isn’t for the straight-laced and demure
readers. Nah, this is more for the raging perverts and borderline
freakshows. Now here’s Brian’s commentary for yesterday’s round one.
10:38
Welcome men and gunts to round two of the 2006 CHUD
Babe Draft. The action was over faster than an online critic spending a night
with his muse and more filling than jelly donuts filled with Pam Anderson’s
leftover breast reduction.
Round one saw plenty of usual suspects as well as a few new ladies in the
water. First off the board was everyone’s favorite fast food manger Rosario
Dawson and the journey ended with Eliza Dushku. The Jessica-trifecta wasn’t
completed as only Alba and Biel were taken off the board leaving one more for
someone in round two. Round one could also be described as an International
House of Hot Ass as over six cuntries poontang was oogled and drooled over. Not
to mention the workout Google got as men and women alike searched for the
picture of their pick showing the most skin.
Round two is just getting started and I can’t wait to see whose stock has risen
and whose breast have sagged since our last drat in 2004. On your marks, get
set, goosh!
10:56
Ratty starts off round two and makes Kate Winslet
the 28th overall heavenly creature selected in this years draft. Using his
sense and sensibility, you know Ratty was thinking of all the hideously kinky
things he could do to this English babe. He may never be able to find the neverland
in her panties, but one sinking moment with his woman would get most men more
excited than a kid in King Arthur’s court. Personally, her weight rises and
falls more than the bow of the Titanic, so I have trouble erasing chubby Kate
out of my spotless mind.
Chris Allen didn’t want to miss his spot in round two, so he jumps on Naomi
Watts faster than an 800 pound gorilla. The 29th pick is a 27 year old tank
girl who could make me leave my wife causing a house divided. Most men here
would love to go down on her Mulholland Dr. and deposit a lot more than 21
grams in her o-Ring.
11:18
Thirty-five year old, New York hottie Bridget
Moynahan becomes the 30th woman recruited into this wonderful game. I’m sure
Stew had plans of taking her into the weeds and whipping this gash till she was
coyote ugly. I don’t think it was serendipitous or by use of a robot that this
babe’s gray matter gets selected this early.
I haven’t met a man who wouldn’t want to take a ride at high speed on our 31st
babe, Sienna Miller. I’m not sure if Dean Curtis is a Casanova, but he would
love to get sticky fingers from playing with her layer cake at bedtime.
12:15
With her toothy smile and buxom chest, Jessica
Simpson becomes the 32nd babe added to the list of potential stalking targets by
Kirby Drummond. This 25 year old Texas cowgirl needs to have my boss hog driven
down her dirt road a few times if she wants to be my newlywed. She may not be
your employee of the month, but if her walking boots ended up next to my bed –
I’m quite sure duct tape and ether would be involved.
Come on Eileen, how did you remember about Q’Orianka Kilcher when you were
thinking about who to make the 33rd babe in 2006? The 16 year old Indian
princess from Germany may need a little poke-a-cuntess from a much older grinch
if she ever expects to make it in this small world.
12:39
Apparently looking for a companion pussy,
otisthecat takes Arielle Kebbel with the 34th overall pick. This Floridian babe
always seems to be cool when the camera is around, ’cause she is smoking. There
are several dirty deeds that I could do with her, including not wearing a
rubber so I could end up with her, the kid & I. I’m not sure if John Tucker
is dead after tapping that ass, but let’s hope he wasn’t the last to camp his
band of balls in her.
Calling upon a surrogate picker, Matt Goldberg uses his Vegas dick to make
Katherine Heigl his valentine at pick number 35. Love (and myself) might cum
softly if she was the first of 100 girls that I descended upon. So
congratulations to Matt for bringing this ringer to the draft.
2:45
Not looking like the hideous griffin-faced atrocity
of a girl who grew up next door to me, Dave Davis makes Elisha Cuthbert lucky babe
number 36. Most men would thoroughly enjoy 24 hours in the sack with her, but may
be disappointed to learn that she doesn’t go to any house of wax and has a very
old school hair topping to her banana slit. Let’s hope no sewer chewer
gets this girl in captivity because who knows what would happen with their time
at the top.
Apparently
attempting to set the Guinness world record for worlds largest baby head with
Ben Affleck doesn’t stop Jason P. Thompson from being a daredevil and taking
Jennifer Garner at number 37. I kind of thought Dave Davis might be attracted
by her 13 going on 30 attitude, but soon realized that her horse-like features
made catching her in the can not as appealing as once imagined. I don’t think
there is any spin city I can’t put on this Pearl Harbor-sized bomb. Sorry JPT –
I don’t think I could have the time of my life with this Mrs. Magoo.
Christopher
finally learned how to Read and selected an eligible babe with his second
attempt at his second pick, making Famke Janssen babe 38. This
Amsterdam-born snitch has caused a deep rising in my jeans since I dreamed of
giving her eyes my golden rounder. During a little game of hide
and seek, I encouraged her to keep quiet and don’t say a word or she might end
up a dead girl. She is very hot, and is one celebrity who I would make
a triple X-sized last stand for anytime.
Accepting his mission, Micah Robinson gives us the
first Hawaiian-born lady at number 39 with Maggie Q. I’m sure if she
accepted my travel plans for an eighty day trip around the world, she would
know the power of my balls of fury.
4:11
One of two women in our draft, Shelby visits
the far east for our number 40 pick, Ziyi
Zhang. The
memoirs written about this geisha girl are nothing short of equal
parts delightful and vulgar.
Jeremy
Slater is planning on a wet, hot, American summer with Elizabeth Banks, our
number 41 pick. I admit being swept away upon seeing her pictures and
reading about her sexual life. My shaft definitely began to slither thinking
about a foursome involving me, her, Daltry Calhoun, and Seabiscuit. My
only question left is how many 40 year old virgins in Spider-man costumes have
blown their webbing thinking about this original sinner.
4:24
Apparently
looking for a new best friend, fabfunk takes Mia Kirshner with the 42nd overall
pick in the 2006 draft. this 31 year old Canadian might be a party monster, but
I’m sure she’s sweating bullets with the thought of being on Gabe’s list.
Playing
sloppy who knows how many to Leo is no problem for Nick, as he makes Gisele
Bundchen a victoria secret no longer at number 43. This devil may wear
Prada, so let’s hope she wants to wear my face as a hat.
Looking
for a reason to celebrate, Andrew Sweeny picks the soon to be thirty Naomie
Harris with the 44th pick. The thought of her holding my cock and bull, while
showing those white teeth left me living with hope and crust in my pants.
5:41
Needing a quick fix of tits, I couldn’t stop
thinking about getting some American hair pie, and I had to choose Shannon
Elizabeth with the 45th pick. I’d love to get a little one on one time with
this tomcat. Let’s just hope she isn’t intimidated by the kid & I, and is
willing to ride my johnson during our family vacation.
A real life Jersey girl is our 46th pick as
Anyawatchin Angel takes Christina Milian. I’m sure I could show her who’s the
man of the house as long she promised to torque my wood.
One woman who isn’t desperate for male attention is
Eva Longoria. Being taken at the number 47 spot by Martinman may have
her feeling young and restless, but hopefully after a game of hide the sentinel
with the 31 year old from Texas, she will be feeling much better and a lot
wetter.
A Swedish blonde with a thing for on-screen
threesomes takes spot 48, as gravedigger grabs Malin Akerman. My love monkey
fills up with the thought of her joining my estrogen entourage.
7:20
In what may be our only babe from Oman, Isla Fisher
comes in at number 49 for Richard Dickson. I’d like to do her Scooby-Doo style and
various other random acts of intimacy. I heart her ass, and hopefully someday I
can crash my beast master into her wedding dress.
Morena Baccarin, the 27 year old Brazilian hottie, is
the 50th woman chosen in the draft. If I was a cowboy in space, I sure would
like this babe to be my whore – and apparently sunwukong agrees.
Crow likes them young and with rich daddies, so
Bryce Dallas Howard is babe 51. I’m not sure if this lady can get any wetter,
but if I had the book of love, and she was a blind women in my village – I’d do
my best to fuck the sight back into her eyes
Since all women are fair game, donde makes Kellita
Smith babe number 52. I’m sure anyone who has ever hung with Mr. Cooper would
love to find a way to roll and bounce on her scrumptious ass.
Rachel McAdams is one hot chick, and Guttenberg Fan
Club just made her mean girl 53. She may be familiar with the family
stone, and now I hope to introduce her red eyes to my family jewels.
I have filled my notebook with images of her perfect pie, and I am quite
jealous that I completely forgot about this uber-babe.
9:47am (next day)
Ali Larter, the 30 year old from Jersey has been
driving Starving Dog crazy, and now she is the 54th overall babe
taken in 2006 and the closer to round two. I hoping to mike final destination
is path into her creek. I don’t know if the carpet matches the drapes, but I
can only hope she’s legally blonde everywhere. Let’s just say the thought of
her manipulating my homo erectus is driving me crazy.
Resources:
The Round Two Draft Pick Thread
The Round Two Discussion Thread
The Round Two Pictures Thread