Do you spite common sense and enjoy junky direct-to-video action flicks, but secretly wish they played in theaters? Then The Marine looks like the answer to your prayers!

WWE superstar John Cena has left behind the world of sweaty soap operas and homoerotic faux-violence for this rather ridiculous-looking bullet-riddled endeavor, in which he portrays an apparently invulnerable ex-soldier on the trail of puffy villain Robert Patrick, who made the wrath-inducing error of kidnapping Nip/Tuck cocaine cupcake Kelly Carlson.

I’m sure it’ll all make sense in the context of the film, but with gas stations exploding and cars being perforated with copious gunfire and people getting roundhouse kicked with sub-Transporter flair, maybe Brian "The Boz" Bosworth will make a guest appearance and offer advice on ammunition and fashion.