The NFL Tackle: Tim vs. Terry – Week 9

Tim and Terry got kicked out of GUY last week for getting a little too touchy / feely with the robot. Their lives uprooted, Tim cried into a bucket of chicken wings for days while Terry found solace in the arms of his agent, Ramone Escobar. Why Terry has an agent is anyone’s guess, but negotiations to find the boys a new home and keep this train on the tracks have been long and arduous. Enter CHUD.

Tim: What’s this? Terry, it’s dark in here. I’m scared.

Terry: I’m the football hero this movie website needs, Tim. My vodka bottle is empty, so let’s do this.

Tim: For those unfamiliar, I’m Tim and this is my homeboy Terry. We like our football like we like our women: hard, leathery and with the ever-present threat of overtime. Nick was kind enough to let us pick up our balls and come to play in the CHUD sandbox. And when we say sandbox we mean that we’re currently living out of Nick’s sandbox in his backyard. And when we say balls we mean testicles. Seriously, it’s like dueling elephantitis up in this box. Terry and I don’t even need chairs to sit.

Oh yeah, and it’s Week 9. Terry, you got anything?

Terry: Week 9… probably an improvement from Weak 8 (get it?). No upsets, everything went as expected. The Steelers won, the Ravens chose to play shitty, and the Redskins lost. It’s just like the AFC from 2010!

Hitpoints

• Oakland is the new Cincinnati – Houshmandzadeh to the Raiders (ESPN) 
• Matt Forte would really like the Bears to pay him now (Yahoo Sports)
• Twas beauty that killed the beast – if by beauty we meant drugs, and by beast we meant Bubba Smith (CBS News)
• Suh and Goodell met up for a chat, presumably about how to make an NFL General Manager pee his pants (Boston.com)

T. Boone Football Pickens

Monday

Seattle Seahawks (2-5) at Dallas Cowboys (3-4)

Terry:  Dallas and Seattle – a game (of many this week) that should be pretty interesting. Both teams are in a bad way, but still a little fun to watch. I predict that Pete Carroll’s bloodlust for victory will be strong enough to overpower the milquetoast Dallas O line. They’re pretty good at losing at home: Seahawks

Tim: Wade Philips has got to be enjoying Dallas’ foibles. Jason Garrett and Rob Ryan rode into town like… cowboys? But I haven’t seen the improvement. If anything, I think Romo has regressed as a QB. But as bad as all those guys are, Pete Carroll is way worse. That guy’s got to go: Cowboys

Atlanta Falcons (4-3) at Indianapolis Colts (0-8)

Tim: Andrew Luck might as well board a flight and fly straight to Indianapolis at this point. In a week where there’s one 0-7 team and another two tied at 1-6, the Colts stand atop (under?) the trash pile as the worst grouping of players in the National Football League. I think the Dolphins will win a game this year, the Colts won’t. Peyton Manning sensed this, which is why he purposefully broke his neck a second time: Falcons

Terry:  It might as well be on the books, Indy ain’t gonna win a game this year. We wanna see it. You wanna see it. It’s just like that car wreck on the race track I saw as a small boy. So much fire, but the 7-year-old me wanted more. Bring the gasoline: Falcons

New York Jets (4-3) at Buffalo Bills (5-2)

Terry:  Good Game #2: Can Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez hate fuck the rest of their team into winning against the stellar Bills? Which Buffalo team is gonna show up on game day – The one that destroyed New England, or every other Buffalo Bills team ever to exist ever? Either way, my eyes are glued to this one, guys. Coin toss says Bills.

Tim: This feels like a must-win for the Jets this week. The difference between 5-3 and 4-4 is goatse-style gaping. Buffalo is happy to just be in the dance this year, and I’m not convinced that Fitzpatrick believes in himself or his receiver corps enough to lead the charge through the perils of Novembre: Jets, it’ll be an upset but it shouldn’t be.

Cleveland Browns (3-4) at Houston Texans (5-3)

Tim: Pat Shurmur and Jason Garrett are amounting to bust coaches at their respective clubs (you can lump Leslie Frazier in that camp as well). Where’s the improvement from Colt McCoy that we’d been promised? The Texans on the other hand, are playoff contenders for the first time in their nine-year history. If they want to get there, and they do, you’ve got to show up for the little games as much as you do the big ones. We’ll know on Sunday if Houston is for real: Texans

Terry:  Poor Cleveland. Always struggling. They’re so close. so close to being the team to watch. Hillis was doing alright until a morale killing trade rumor, and the fact that his body is a shambling sack of broken flesh and bone. I’m more interested in watching him struggle to stand up on the sideline while watching this game. Hardesty being out doesn’t help, either. Colt McCoy throwing to an empty void won’t score any TD’s, so I’m gonna say Texans by 7.3 billion miles.

San Francisco 49ers (6-1) at Washington Redskins (3-4)

Terry:  That Harbaugh family can coach the shit out of some football. I heard that fact has actually been nominated to be added to the Book of Universal Truths. Though, the Skins this year, while spotty, are kind of kick ass. Almost on a Millar level. While there could be an upset, my gut goes with those Niners.

Tim: The ‘Skins are the most bipolar team in the NFL this season. They started 2-0 before falling to the Cowboys. They get back on track beating the Rams the next week. Then they had their bye, usually when teams are able to fine tune and heal some wounds. Instead, Shanahan and Co. have dropped their last three games. They need this game, but it might already be too late: 49ers

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-3) at New Orleans Saints (5-3)

Tim: These are two middle-of-the-road teams with records that would lead you to believe they’re better. But it’s hard to bet against the Saints at home this week, so I won’t.

Terry:  What happened to New Orleans last week? They were supposed to win. Maybe my theory regarding the easy Saints schedule is bunk. The acquisition of Brandon Lloyd has been good to the receiver side of things for them, so maybe they just need to gel a little bit more. Tampa Bay is a good team, but I expect the Brees Boys to Bounce Back: Saints

Miami Dolphins (0-7) at Kansas City (4-3)

Terry:  Man…what a shit show. I mean…Kansas City…got good I guess…or whatever. I mean…and then…what happened with Miami not pulling the trigger on a good quarterback? Raarh…Sparano… Chiefs 

Tim: The Dolphins from The Cove put up a better fight than these bums: Chiefs

Denver Broncos (2-5) at Oakland Raiders (4-3)

Terry:  Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow… is an awful football player and you should feel bad for liking him.  Oakland defense takes a rage shit in Tebow’s helmet: Raiders

Tim: After last weeks 28-0 loss against Kansas City last week, Oakland fans have every right to be looking back on the JaMarcus Russell days as better times. But alas, a QB with Purple Drank-stained lips is no cure for the troubles in Oakland right now. Who’s Denver starting at QB? Wait, again? Nevermind: Raiders it is

Cincinnati Bengals (5-2) at Tennessee Titans (4-3)

Tim: This bores me. I could care less about either team. Coin says: Titans

Terry:  Try as I might, I can’t help but want to write Cincinatti off. I mean, it’s just their face. Look at it. Look. Titans are no slouch, but they’re also not any good. Bengals beat them, then consult a surgeon about what to do with their face, then go home sad because they’re from Cincinatti.

St. Louis Rams (1-6) at Arizona Cardinals (1-6)

Tim: Holy shit, buckle up. We have a game on our hands. You’d have to hold me at gunpoint to get me to sit and watch this toilet bowl. In fact, that’s what we should call it: The Toilet Bowl. When the flush mercifully happens, Cardinals will be the turd that floats back up to the top.

Terry:  You know, I wanna say the Cardinals played a good game last week. But they didn’t, Baltimore just didn’t show up. No matter how many times Heap will make a TD (hint – none), it won’t help much…against a team that’s good. Fortunately for Arizona, they only suck almost as hard as St. Louis: Cardinals

Green Bay Packers (7-0) at San Diego Chargers (4-3)

Tim: Say, here’s an interesting match-up. On paper, Green Bay doesn’t lose this year. And I know I’ve probably said as much in a previous NFL Tackle. But this is a winnable match-up for the Chargers. And they’re coming hungry after last week’s late game meltdown against the Chiefs. I think the Chargers can move the ball against an altogether not-inhuman Packers D. On the flipside, the Packers offense will rollover the Chargers. Expect a high-scoring affair, this is the time of year where I pick the Packers to fall to an upset: Chargers

Terry: Green Bay won’t lose a game this year. It’s just fact, Tim. I’m not saying San Diego doesn’t have a shot. I’d pick them, but there’s nothing I can do. It’s the Packers.

Baltimore Ravens (5-2) at Pittsburgh Steelers (6-2)

Tim: The Ravens lose to the damndest teams. Two weeks ago they lose to Jacksonville, last week they almost lost to Arizona. What do these two teams have in common? They were both 1-5 going up against the Ravens. Lucky for them, the Ravens seem to get up for the big games. This is certainly that, but they don’t have a chance here. Steelers are riding a wave after spanking the Pats last week (not to be confused with Pat, the guy Terry spanks every week for a nominal fee): Steelers

Terry:  Time to get serious. Deadly serious. Baltimore, you’re my team. I grew up in you. I’ve seen hobos shit in you. You have two teams – the one that comes to practice, and the one that gets its ass kicked by awful teams. You are either The Hulk, or Not The Hulk. Please be The Hulk. Baltimore Will Win Before Agent Coulson Is Planted In A Weak Second Act.

Monday

Chicago Bears (4-3) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-4)

Tim: It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight… oh shit, Michael Vick just killed my dog! Brian Urlacher, avenge my dear Lando: Bears

Terry:  Vick’s back, guys. They cornholed Dallas early and often. Maclin’s gonna catch some balls, and LeSean McCoy’s gonna run around with some more balls. Expect the Bears to score a point, maybe: Eagles

 The Rub

Terry and I now call CHUD home! Feel free to take us on on the boards or in the comments section as we defend our poorly constructed opinions. It’s an NFL silly season, and we want to hear from some chewers. See you next week!