BUY FROM AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: Reality Entertainment
MSRP: $19.95 ($19.94 too much)
RATED: Unrated
RUNNING TIME: 120 minutes (even though Amazon says 200 and the box says 250)
SPECIAL FEATURES:
- The thoughts that you and your loved ones are safe
- The fact that you can breathe oxygen
- The fact that we live in a free country
- Free water
- The taste of food
- A kitten meowing
- Sunshine
- I’m sorry, i’m really just listing a bunch of nonsense, aren’t I? But you get the point…everything is a special feature when compared to this crap
The Pitch
An actual pitch thrown by a major league baseball player is more of a pitch than any that must have occurred before constructing this piece of shit.
This is Bill Knell, a man determined to fuck your day up.
The Humans
Believe it or not, Amazon says “Starring: Not Specified”. A little research on our friend, the internet, reveals the narrator to be Bill Knell, also the writer and producer. Also featured are pictures of people like Walter Cronkite, Jackie Gleason, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus. Ok, not those last two, but fuck me…they might as well have been there.
"Sir, we've looked as hard as we can, but we can't find any coherence at all!"
The Nutshell
A documentary (can I even really call it that without feeling like a schmuck?) that seeks to demonstrate many of the theories people have held over the existence of UFOs. Bill Knell (whose name is nowhere on the actual DVD package, but appears at the end of the film) uses his “experience” as a UFO research investigator to make outrageous claims and tell even more outrageous stories. After watching, you’ll wish you had been anally probed. Or thought you had been. Over and over and over and over and over again. But a little interwebz research tells you all you need to know.
The Lowdown
Remember those bad films you had to sit through in school? The kind that, in the darkness of your classroom, would compel you to want to fall asleep? The droll, dull, narrated films that appeared to have been used over and over again since what seems like the 1960s or 70s? Depending on how old you are you’ll know what I mean. This film (a term used loosely) is like those films, in a way. It’s a collection of still images strung together with some very bad narration, often riddled with mispronunciations, speaking errors, and other things that a newfangled technique called “editing” might have fixed. But this film is pieced together with the skill of a half-wit using Google Image Search and a tape recorder. It’s that bad. Bill speaks about the Manhattan Experiment, Roswell, supposed UFO sightings by celebrities, and various other popular topics when it comes to UFO investigations. He claims that Jackie Gleason was shown top secret UFO crash evidence, including bodies of aliens, and claims that Jackie Gleason had subscribed to his personal newsletter on UFOs and invited him to lunch to tell him all of this. Are you a believer yet?
One of the several times this image appears so he can plug it in mid-narration. Yep!
The narrator, Bill Knell, has been a UFO investigator for over 40 years. He talks fondly about how he started a UFO club in high school, and of course the rest is history. Unfortunately. He claims to have been a consultant for films such as Fire In The Sky, Men In Black, and Independence Day. That being said, a dead Carl Sagan could tell you things with more validity than this guy ever has, or could. And if you do a Google search for him, you’ll quickly learn that he is a fraud, often using other people’s works and billing them as his own. Look him up on Amazon, and there are over 50 videos by him, all produced usually in the same span of 3 or 4 years. I don’t think anyone could produce that much material in such a short space of time. And a lot of the items have other people’s names on them but with Bill Knell listed as actor or director. It’s really strange, and it begs your attention if only to marvel at the lengths a person has gone to produce such a fraudulent existence. Whether or not THIS particular production (ha!) is genuinely his is something I can’t really figure out, but there’s clearly no original material in it except for his voiceover. There’s an interview on YouTube in which a couple guys (who have some sort of paranormal podcast) take him to task for his bullshit assertions that he was a consultant on War Of The Worlds or any other film or had been told of a UFO story by Walter Cronkite. It’s hilarious because the guys tell him there’s no record ANYWHERE of him being a consultant on any sort of film. And they ask if he was paid and he tells them he only wanted to be paid in movie merchandise. What?! Its so hard to imagine someone would keep up such a charade when he’s clearly been exposed as a fraud. The other fun part is that apparently, a William Knell had been arrested (along with wife Catherine) not too long ago for child neglect. It’s definitely the same guy because a lot of his stuff on Amazon has received glowing reviews from a “C Knell”…clearly his wife. But wow. Just wow.
For the love of all that is holy, WHY?!?!
Honestly, this isn’t really consistent with what a DVD review should be, but I felt i’d be doing a lot of you a disservice by not letting you in on all of this. In relating to you the quality, or lack thereof, of this DVD, it’d only make sense to accurately tell you WHY you shouldn’t buy it because of the person behind it. It’s a complete and utter waste of your time and money. It has no redeeming qualities. It isn’t remotely interesting or informative. I honestly went into this expecting to at least watch something a little bit fascinating, as i’ve always been intrigued by the subject. But this is a hack job, it really is. As I stated before- it’s really just still images and the occasional short video clip and the only audio AT ALL is him narrating. He’s so clearly full of himself and possessed with such a condescending tone that it’s incredible. And like I said, his narration is totally all over the place and he constantly trips over his words and didn’t even care enough to start over and edit out the bad parts. I’m sorry, but never buy or watch anything by this guy. In fact, I implore you to research him because you’ll find tons of articles by him, and the hilarious part is that some of them read word for word the same as a lot of his narration in the film. I’m mesmerized by all of this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go submerge my head in acid.
The Package
Nothing. Absolutely, positively, nothing. Did I mention it was produced on a DVD-R?
Rating: 
Out of a Possible 5 Stars