My office is near City Hall in Manhattan, and I am used to walking outside and seeing big protests and parades and official nonsense of all sorts. But last year I saw the most bizarre thing yet – corporate mascots marching in front of City Hall, all campaigning to be voted the best by consumers. It was just surreal to see people in these suits, with humans accompanying them to explain why the Aflac Duck was, in fact, the finest spokesanimal. People were lining up to have their picture taken with Twinkie the Kid.
They were the smart ones, it seems, as the giant spongecake is becoming a movie star. The new 3D CGI cartoon Food Fight! will take place in a supermarket after dark, when the products come to life. And in an stroke of marketing evil, the film has licensed all the major product characters from Charlie the Tuna to Twinkie the Kid.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but that’s just fucking shameful. The line between advertising and entertainment is being obliterated here. The film is being made by Threshold Animation for Lion’s Gate, and I can’t help but imagine that if this was a Pixar story the supermarket would be filled with clever and knowing parodies of product mascots, and that they would serve to make satiric comment on those foods. But instead of poking fun at the utter lack of nutritional value of Twinkies, we’re sure to see them extolled in some form here.
At least the main characters won’t be product mascots – at least not ones that I am familiar with. The newly announced voice cast, which fails to inspire the least bit of interest in me, is as follows: Charlie Sheen is Dex Dogtective, Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria is Lady X, Wayne Brady is Daredevil Dan, Christopher Lloyd is Mr. Clipboard and ghoulishly unfunny Chris Kattan is Polar Penguin.
This piece of shit is coming in fall of 2006.