Webster’s defines persistence as losing part of your chip in the dip and reaching in to salvage the remains. No matter how scalding the cheese! “Relevance?” you ask? “NONE!” I reply.

So I seens me some films in recent days and thought you folks, those who read me and connect to me through my manipulation of the written word, would love to see what I have to say. If not, feel free to just go do something else. A game of squash mayhap?

SUCKER PUNCH

A gaggle of gorgeous gams and [word for boobs that starts with g] do battle with the patriarchy that keeps them down. In Fantasy Land. I think I liked this movie. Maybe. Something was there. Beyond an erection. And yet it felt tedious and distracting. Like an erection. In church. Scott Glenn continues to be alive and masquerading as Leonard Nimoy. No word yet on how that will boost his career.

Biggest gripe with the film: Sweet Pea carries a big ol’ sword on her back the entire movie and never once uses it! There’s a message there. Maybe.

Your Highness

How many weed jokes were in this movie? Like three? And they weren’t really jokes as much as references. That was fine because there was swordplay and molestation muppets. Two things any movie could use to its advantage. Danny McBride continues to be Danny McBride and I like that about him. James Franco continues to be James Franco and I wonder where that will take him next. If you told me that he had formed a country-western band that only covered Village People songs, I would believe it. Then again, I believed my cousin about that Hurtz Donut. The bastard.

Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie

I lasted five minutes.

The Craft

My father lovingly refers to this movie as The Crap-ft. God love him, he tries. I felt like watching this ode to a be-wigged Robin Tunney for no particular reason. Maybe I just love a racist Christine Taylor. Then again, who doesn’t? I’m surprised they haven’t remade this in our new modern era. Do you hear that Hollywood?! I’M SURPRISED THEY HAVEN’T REMADE THE CRAFT YET!! There you go. Have fun reading about the upcoming remake on Monday morning.

And so there we have my past few days. Rife with activity and magic. In heavier news, my upcoming sequel project, Coyote Ugly II: The Legend of Jersey’s Gold has reached a bit of a stall. Let nobody ever say I didn’t try my damndest to get into the mindset of a small-town girl who becomes a sexy bartender and then conquers the West.