Warner Brothers is getting desperate. Their massive Harry Potter franchise is coming to a close, Christopher Nolan’s Batman saga will soon be ending, and lord forbid Green Lantern will make any money. It was only a matter of time before they did something this drastic.
Today, it was rumored that WB had secured the rights to the King James version of the Bible. Not much was none about what Warner intended to do with it, but I was able to get an exclusive scoop from my imaginary friend that SWORE he knew the head of Warner Bros. number, but it turned out to be Dell Customer Support. It took me 2 hours to realize this but, once I did, I scurried home and copied and pasted the interview from another site.
Here’s my exclusive interview:
Me: Did you buy the rights to the Bible?
WB Executive: We could have.
This solid confirmation led me down a wild goose chase through most of Hollywood, searching for the clues I needed to find out what exactly WB was planning to do with the Bible. I found nothing. However, some other site did, so why not just use that? Oh, I’m sure they won’t mind. Studio executive Brick Brenson says:
“The Bible is a rich source of morality tales and life lessons for humanity. It’s like Batman for religous old ladies! Who doesn’t want to see Noah’s Ark from the mind of Christopher Nolan? Or the story of Sodom from the mind of Christopher Nolan? Hell, Adam and Eve from the mind of Joel Schumaker! Ah screw it, we’ll give it to Christopher Nolan.”
We asked Christopher Nolan for comment, but all he said was “WTF?”. We assume that stands for “Joseph Gordon Leavitt will be playing Robin in The Dark Knight Rises, and Bane will break Batman’s back right before the end of Act 2.” Of course, we’re just paraphrasing.
"It's like Titanic, except with giraffes."
So there you have it. Are you intrigued to see more movies based off the work of the Bib…err, the Big Brown Book?
(WB won’t let me say the name in print, or I have to pay a $200 dollar fine. Thanks for reading!)
Note: CHUD is not responsible for anything said in this article. All thoughts, opinions, and statements are purely my own. So send the hate mail to me, not them. But please glue your magazine cutout letters to the paper RIGHT. If you don’t, they come undone in the envelope during delivery, I can’t read them, and it just makes everything a mess. Can’t you just make this easier for me?