A Nice Hard Slap (1.30.08)

Welcome to the latest mind-blistering
missive from my spent casing of a noggin, filled to the rim with
shinola and burgeoning with backwash and partially chewed Red Vines.

I’ve
decided that the ‘Slap’ is going to be about life. Personal shit.
Professional shit. Random shit. That way, the Steady Leaks I run on the
main site and the ranty blogs I run here have their
own life. I want this to be a place of whatever. It may bore you. It
may be of value. It may turn you into a Eunuch, except not as hung.

Building a Better Browser: Part One.

In the grand scheme of things, there is no better web browser in the world than Firefox. Apple users, don’t even come at me with Safari. Safari is liquid asshole compared to Mozilla’s product, though it may be a few upgrades away from blowing the lid off the world if the Iphone and the next wave of Macs are any indication. Internet Explorer is to those browsers as John Merrick is to George Clooney and Brad Pitt, though. It is a horrible, horrible thing that I hate with a passion akin to the way a Creationist hates things that are true. That said, all of these browsers are missing features that would make our world a better place. Some of these wish list items are realistic possibilities and others are not. Some are jokes. You decide which.

Here’s how to build a better web browser as we enter the next phase of life as human beings in a world where the internet is as vital as sunlight and getting your nut off:

1. Time Tunnel: The ability to freeze a web page in time. For example, when we are writing articles for this site on the backend, an accidental click of the “BACK” button of our broswer erases everything we’ve done. It has happened hundreds of times over the course of this site’s life and it’s never anything less than infuriating. Whether it’s an automated background “save” feature that prohibits our browser from erasing stuff we’re typing in a WYSIWYG box or some sort of LOCKDOWN MODE we can apply that prohibits us from accidentally clicking away or hitting “REFRESH”, I think it’s high time our browser became our best friend.
2. Eye Pal: A feature built-in to your browser that instantly filters out any images that feature things that will scar the user for all eternity. Whether it be two men with Crisco fists inside each other, a photo of someone burning their Castle Greyskull playset with a can of WD-40 and a match, or a really close look at John McTiernan’s cheeks, we need protection of the highest order and our newly sentient browser needs to safeguard our nighttime dream eyes the best it can.
3. Gremlins: Our broswer needs to keep us honest. When we’ve been spending too much time on sites about things like politics, child rearing, or auto racing, little animated Gremlins should appear on the browser chassis and rearrange icons, type little mean things about our vacuous mothers, and drip little Gremlin shits that cascade down our page like little fecal Matrix code.
4. Safeguarding the Soul: If we spent more than three straight hours on a website devoted to whatever our line of work is, the browser redirects us to an image of something from our youth that we’ve forgotten. A toy. A film. An album that we used to have, the one we got our first wet hump to. Something wonderful to put things in perspective.
5. Self Check: People Google themselves all the time. When the browser senses that we’re feeling down, it goes to Google and does a search of someone we used to hate, making sure that the search reveals that person to be imprisoned, dead, or lonely as fuck and with more fat than Chinatown.
6. Mega Spell Check: If we misspell a word, the browser senses this and finds the most articulate synonym for that word and uncorks it. When we do “Netspeak”, a cyborg fist manifests itself out of the screen and punches our eyes, and changes the text to an actual human word. Sure, you’ll be ROTFGYEO but it’s better than ROACOIWMI!

And that’s enough of this crap for now. I love you.

– Nick Nunziata just clicked the mysterious VAGINA link on his pants.

And now… another Mary Worth War Strip from the vault…

Click the image to Large It Up!