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STUDIO: Warner Bros.
MSRP: $14.99
RUNNING TIME: 93 min.
RATED: R
SPECIAL FEATURES: Chuck
The Pitch
“His partner betrayed him and left him for dead. But he wasn’t dead, was he?
WAS HE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES?
Now he is back with a mullet and a whole lot of killing to do, because Charles Norris is… THE HITMAN.”
The Humans
Chuck Norris. Michael Parks. People who are NOT Chuck Norris.
The Nutshell
"What, you can’t stand talking to face to face with GQ’s Man of the Epoch?"
The very best thing about The Hitman DVD is that it has a quote from a film critic on the front of the box. I mean, that’s funny in and of itself but upon further inspection it’s even more telling that it’s a famous film critic who gave the quote. Adding insult to grievous injury is the revelation that the film critic has since retired and gone on to be the director of The Contender, The Last Castle, and Deterrence. Yep, Rod Lurie praised this Chuck Norris epic during his career as a film critic.
I can imagine Lurie going into a meeting for the next politically charged star vehicle he pitches and having the executive sit back with his arms behind his back as the director tells him of the great idea. Not saying anything, but just sitting back as Lurie rambles on and on. Then, after Rod totally nails the pitch in a way that would sell ice to Wampas or guano to a bat, the executive reaches into his desk and puts The Hitman DVD up there. He points ever so gently to the pull quote and then counts to five out loud. If Lurie is still sitting there at five, security gives him the bum’s rush and the executive laughs while throwing this DVD into his trash.
In actually, this really isn’t a horrible film at all. In fact, it’s The Punisher with tight jeans and a mullet.
"I can see that you’re skeptical, but I mean how could you not be? I’m fucking Chuck Norris for God’s sake."
The Lowdown
Kill Bill veteran, the slow talking Michael Parks plays a police detective who is apparently fed up with just being a cop and somehow becomes an all-powerful drug kingpin, much to Charles Norris’ surprise and chagrin as he’s shot in the skin a few times by his ex-partner and sent plummeting to his assumed death.
Apparently, someone called an ambulance because the next time we see Mr. Norris he’s being tended to by surgeons. Somehow he cheats death but his greedy supervising officer isn’t content to have his hero just heal and be back on the streets. Nope, he has to send him to Vancouver where the mob is getting too big for its plus-sized britches. I don’t understand who might have called an ambulance and I don’t understand how the revived Chuck didn’t tell his supervisor that his partner enjoys shooting him. Oh well, it’s not as if we watch these films for the logic. We watch them to see Chuck Norris do spinning kicks right into men’s faces.
But, this is Norris as Frank Castle for the most part. In this case, he infiltrates the mob and then ruthlessly kills them, even going as far as to befriend a boy in his apartment complex. Granted, this isn’t as smart as last year’s Punisher flick. Think about that for a moment. The reasons a mafioso would trust a guy he’s known for less than three years with his most prized assignments are few and far between and for the most part a bunch of people die or are hurt because of Chuck’s lack of planning. He leaves the scene during a deal that goes awry once he leaves, his "partner" gets hacked to pieces when Chuck leaves him alone to interrogate an informant. His newfound young pal? He gets blown up and sent to the hospital, leaving his impoverished mother to scream out in pain that she works three full time jobs for this!
Chuck Norris may be a hitman but he’s careless.
That all said, it’s kind of fun to watch a nice violent R-rated action flick that doesn’t mind blowing people apart and having their knees shot out from under them. It’s not as good as something like Wanted: Dead or Alive, but it’s a decent diversion. Plus, there’s a ton of Charles in it.
The first of many legendary appearances for highly touted Jamaican actor Knees Begone.
You put the disc in and there’s not even an animated menu. There’s a still of Chuck and the "PLAY MOVIE" option. No scene selections. No trailer. No Widescreen.
In short, it’s the Chuck Norris of DVD special features.
4.5 out of 10