Today, the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, commonly known as the Oscars, will be announced and broadcast. You may have heard something about this.
What you haven’t heard yet is my own personal take on it. Yet, who cares about who I hope will win? Even more boring, who would want to hear my predictions? I don’t favor any particular horse in that race. There were a lot of solid movies this past year, most are eminently worthy, and few that were recognized with nominations should give anyone any kind of reason to be upset.
Of course, there are things that I would prefer to recognize, were I the one running things. There are also things that need not be recognized, but I will recognize here anyway, in the interest of making you laugh.
I did this once before. This time I’m back with a badder, meaner, more streamlined list (albeit one that’s still in no particular order).
Read on!
My Favorite Movie Of The Year (just so you know who you’re dealing with):
My Second-Favorite Movie Of The Year:
[Here’s the list of the rest.]
Most Underrated Movie:
Documentary I Insist That You See:
[It’s easy to forget, but we’re still at war. If you can name one or more Kardashians, it seems fair to expect that you also take the time to get know a little bit about the men and women who are putting themselves on the line daily for us and our country. This movie is a brisk reminder of what is, and what should be, truly important in the world.]
Best Score:
Daft Punk, TRON Legacy
Best Song:
“Pimps Don’t Cry,” from The Other Guys, by Cee-Lo Green ft. Eva Mendes
Worst Movie I Didn’t See:
Worst Movie I Did See:
Most Overrated:
Not Great, But Still Better Than Kick-Ass:
Most Bullshit Premise:
Most Undeserved Flop:
Worst Genre (second year in a row):
Vampire Romance.
Best Genre (even if I’m the only one who liked The Wolfman):
Werewolf Carnage.
Up-And-Coming Genre:
Viking Psychedelia (Valhalla Rising)
Movie That Has Willem Dafoe In A Wet T-Shirt:
Movie That Swapped Out Dafoe For Pornstars (the Hollywood revision):
Best Claymation Sequence:
After The Apocalypse, Everyone Will Have Designer Shades:
Most Badasses Crammed Into A Tiny Room:
Most Distressing Indication That Religious Fan Fiction Will Give You A Career:
Movie I Forgot I Saw Until The Minute I Made This List (Two-Way Tie):
St. John Of Las Vegas, Leaves Of Grass
In The Future, Your Favorite Christmas Movie Is:
Best Wolf Attack (Three-Way Tie):
Frozen, Centurion, The Wolfman
I Read The Book & Knew The Ending & It Was Still Great:
A Better Remake Than Expected:
Not Nearly As Bad As You Were Told:
Best Imitation Of Madonna:
Johnny Depp, Alice In Wonderland (Better luck next year, Lady Gaga!)
Adam Sandler Memorial Award For Guy Who You Best Encourage Lest You Regret It:
Ben Stiller, Greenberg.
[Sandler got little attention for Funny People in 2009, and in return, he fucked us with Grown Ups. Stiller deserved more accolades for Greenberg, didn’t get nearly enough, henceforth we received Little Fockers.]
Soon As I Said That Movies Need More Dragons, I Got My Wish & Then Some:
[But why do all the Vikings have Scottish accents?]
Movie That Needed An Owl:
Movie That Could Spare An Owl:
Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’Hoole
Funniest Cast In A Movie With Almost No Jokes:
Best Line From A Movie That Isn’t Worth Your Time:
“Did you know that ostriches have suicidal tendencies?” – Prince of Persia
Most Disturbing Thought:
Somewhere, some guy is rubbing one out to Splice.
Thank You/ No Thank You:
Jonah Hill, Cyrus/ Jonah Hill, Get Him To The Greek
The One Thing I Most Wish I Could Unsee:
What they did to Jessica Alba in The Killer Inside Me
One Thing That Helped With That:
Jessica Alba shower scene in Machete
Movie Most In Need Of A Serious Canoe Accident:
Most ‘Kinda The Same Movie’:
Knight & Day and Salt
Least Subtle Homage To Gargamel & The Smurfs:
Best Human Being In A Bear Suit:
Best Bear In A Human Suit:
The world of cinema is still waiting.
Best Laurence Fishburne In A Predator Suit:
Best Use Of Most Swear Words:
Best Use Of Almost No Words:
Worst Use Of Animals Saying Words:
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore
Most ‘Welcome Back’:
Michael Keaton, The Other Guys, Toy Story 3
Best Masks:
Worst Masks:
(But seriously folks, check this one out.)
Most Positive That Johnny Depp Was Asleep During: The Tourist
Best DVD Discovery:
Most Enjoyable Straight-To-DVD:
DVD Releases Of Older Movies That Made Me The Happiest (Three-Way Tie):
Hit Man (1971),
Hannie Caulder (1972),
Night Train To Munich (1940).
Best Monsters (Two-Way Tie):
Worst Monsters:
Needed More Monsters:
[One scene of that thing was not enough!]
Hottest (I’ll give you 11):
Kelly Brook, Piranha 3D
Yaya DaCosta, The Kids Are All Right, TRON Legacy
Amanda Peet, Please Give
Gemma Arterton, Tamara Drewe
Jamie Chung, Grown Ups (skip the movie, go straight to IMDB)
Eva Mendes, The Other Guys
Laura Ramsey, Middle Men
Violante Placido, The American
Rashida Jones, The Social Network
Rosario Dawson, Unstoppable
Kate Mara, 127 Hours, Iron Man 2
Most Un-Hottest:
That wouldn’t be nice. Did Tyler Perry dress up as an old lady in any movie from 2010? If so, that’d be it.
Number-One Sounds-Like-Porn Movie Title:
Most Underrated, Acting Category:
Barry Pepper, Casino Jack, True Grit.
[Dude is never not terrific.]
Stayed Awake During Their Lee Marvin Lessons:
Idris Elba, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Zoe Saldana, The Losers
My Favorite Genre:
The Badass-Old-Guy Movie.
Most Underrated Badass-Old-Guy Movie Of 2010:
Harry Brown, starring Michael Caine.
Badass Of The Year, Runner-Up:
John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone
Badass Of The Year:
Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit.
[Dominated the screen next to Matt Damon & Jeff Bridges, two of the best movie stars working today, and scared the crap out of every other character in the piece. At 14.]
That’s all, folks! If you’re interested in more of my moronic bon mots, please visit my daily blog, or follow me on Twitter.