Today, the 83rd Annual Academy Awards, commonly known as the Oscars, will be announced and broadcast.  You may have heard something about this.

What you haven’t heard yet is my own personal take on it.  Yet, who cares about who I hope will win?  Even more boring, who would want to hear my predictions?  I don’t favor any particular horse in that race.  There were a lot of solid movies this past year, most are eminently worthy, and few that were recognized with nominations should give anyone any kind of reason to be upset.

Of course, there are things that I would prefer to recognize, were I the one running things.  There are also things that need not be recognized, but I will recognize here anyway, in the interest of making you laugh.

I did this once before.  This time I’m back with a badder, meaner, more streamlined list (albeit one that’s still in no particular order).

Read on!

My Favorite Movie Of The Year (just so you know who you’re dealing with):

True Grit

My Second-Favorite Movie Of The Year:


[Here’s the list of the rest.]

Most Underrated Movie:

Get Low

Documentary I Insist That You See:


[It’s easy to forget, but we’re still at war.  If you can name one or more Kardashians, it seems fair to expect that you also take the time to get know a little bit about the men and women who are putting themselves on the line daily for us and our country.  This movie is a brisk reminder of what is, and what should be, truly important in the world.]

Best Score:

Daft Punk, TRON Legacy

Best Song:

“Pimps Don’t Cry,” from The Other Guys, by Cee-Lo Green ft. Eva Mendes

Worst Movie I Didn’t See:

Life As We Know It

Worst Movie I Did See:


Most Overrated:


Not Great, But Still Better Than Kick-Ass:


Most Bullshit Premise:

She’s Out Of My League

Most Undeserved Flop:

Green Zone

Worst Genre (second year in a row):

Vampire Romance.

Best Genre (even if I’m the only one who liked The Wolfman):

Werewolf Carnage.

Up-And-Coming Genre:

Viking Psychedelia (Valhalla Rising)

Movie That Has Willem Dafoe In A Wet T-Shirt:


Movie That Swapped Out Dafoe For Pornstars (the Hollywood revision):

Piranha 3D

Best Claymation Sequence:

Youth In Revolt

After The Apocalypse, Everyone Will Have Designer Shades:

The Book Of Eli

Most Badasses Crammed Into A Tiny Room:

44 Inch Chest

Most Distressing Indication That Religious Fan Fiction Will Give You A Career:


Movie I Forgot I Saw Until The Minute I Made This List (Two-Way Tie):

St. John Of Las Vegas, Leaves Of Grass

In The Future, Your Favorite Christmas Movie Is:

Rare Exports

Best Wolf Attack (Three-Way Tie):

Frozen, Centurion, The Wolfman

I Read The Book & Knew The Ending & It Was Still Great:

Shutter Island

A Better Remake Than Expected:

The Crazies

Not Nearly As Bad As You Were Told:

How Do You Know.

Best Imitation Of Madonna:

Johnny Depp, Alice In Wonderland (Better luck next year, Lady Gaga!)

Adam Sandler Memorial Award For Guy Who You Best Encourage Lest You Regret It:

Ben Stiller, Greenberg.

[Sandler got little attention for Funny People in 2009, and in return, he fucked us with Grown Ups.  Stiller deserved more accolades for Greenberg, didn’t get nearly enough, henceforth we received Little Fockers.]

Soon As I Said That Movies Need More Dragons, I Got My Wish & Then Some:

How To Train Your Dragon

[But why do all the Vikings have Scottish accents?]

Movie That Needed An Owl:

Clash Of The Titans

Movie That Could Spare An Owl:

Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’Hoole

Funniest Cast In A Movie With Almost No Jokes:

Death At A Funeral

Best Line From A Movie That Isn’t Worth Your Time:

“Did you know that ostriches have suicidal tendencies?” – Prince of Persia

Most Disturbing Thought:

Somewhere, some guy is rubbing one out to Splice.

Thank You/ No Thank You:

Jonah Hill, Cyrus/ Jonah Hill, Get Him To The Greek

The One Thing I Most Wish I Could Unsee:

What they did to Jessica Alba in The Killer Inside Me

One Thing That Helped With That:

Jessica Alba shower scene in Machete

Movie Most In Need Of A Serious Canoe Accident:

Grown Ups

Most ‘Kinda The Same Movie’:

Knight & Day and Salt

Least Subtle Homage To Gargamel & The Smurfs:

Despicable Me

Best Human Being In A Bear Suit:

True Grit

Best Bear In A Human Suit:

The world of cinema is still waiting.

Best Laurence Fishburne In A Predator Suit:


Best Use Of Most Swear Words:

Winnebago Man

Best Use Of Almost No Words:

Valhalla Rising

Worst Use Of Animals Saying Words:

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore

Most ‘Welcome Back’:

Michael Keaton, The Other Guys, Toy Story 3

Best Masks:

The Town

Worst Masks:

Joan Rivers: A Piece Of Work

(But seriously folks, check this one out.)

Most Positive That Johnny Depp Was Asleep During: The Tourist

Best DVD Discovery:


Most Enjoyable Straight-To-DVD:

Undisputed 3

DVD Releases Of Older Movies That Made Me The Happiest (Three-Way Tie):

Hit Man (1971),

Hannie Caulder (1972),

Night Train To Munich (1940).

Best Monsters (Two-Way Tie):

The Wolfman, Monsters

Worst Monsters:


Needed More Monsters:

Black Swan

[One scene of that thing was not enough!]

Hottest (I’ll give you 11):

Kelly Brook, Piranha 3D

Yaya DaCosta, The Kids Are All Right, TRON Legacy

Amanda Peet, Please Give

Gemma Arterton, Tamara Drewe

Jamie Chung, Grown Ups (skip the movie, go straight to IMDB)

Eva Mendes, The Other Guys

Laura Ramsey, Middle Men

Violante Placido, The American

Rashida Jones, The Social Network

Rosario Dawson, Unstoppable

Kate Mara, 127 Hours, Iron Man 2

Most Un-Hottest:

That wouldn’t be nice. Did Tyler Perry dress up as an old lady in any movie from 2010? If so, that’d be it.

Number-One Sounds-Like-Porn Movie Title:


Most Underrated, Acting Category:

Barry Pepper, Casino Jack, True Grit.

[Dude is never not terrific.]

Stayed Awake During Their Lee Marvin Lessons:

Idris Elba, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and Zoe Saldana, The Losers

My Favorite Genre:

The Badass-Old-Guy Movie.

Most Underrated Badass-Old-Guy Movie Of 2010:

Harry Brown, starring Michael Caine.

Badass Of The Year, Runner-Up:

John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

Badass Of The Year:

Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit.

[Dominated the screen next to Matt Damon & Jeff Bridges, two of the best movie stars working today, and scared the crap out of every other character in the piece.  At 14.]

That’s all, folks!  If you’re interested in more of my moronic bon mots, please visit my daily blog, or follow me on Twitter.