As we began HERE, bastards have landed on CHUD.com. One hundred of them to be exact. Here’s the second meaty blast of the suckers as provided by our little think tank of local contributors, editors, and readers all for you.
Note: Some entires may contain spoilers.You’ve been warned.
#74 – Leo Fitzpatrick
KIDS
Telly likes to fuck. He likes ’em new, not like you. He’s the motherfucking virgin surgeon. He used a condom. Once. His dick is like an AIDS sprinkler system watering your pre-teen daughter’s freshly grown lawn. And when he’s done splitting her hymen on YOUR bed and wiping off his bloody spear on your pillowcase, he spits on your clean coffee table on the way out.
Smell his finger.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “That bitch was bleeding, dude. When I first put it in, she all screamed all loud and then like’ I think I saw her bite down on a pillow, but I don’t know.” – Kirby Drummond
#73 – Michael Douglas
WALL STREET
Gecko creates nothing. He owns. He eats raw meat. He gifts to his top Fox both a hooker and a hot new girlfriend. Gecko is the giver of life to those around him. You have to call this guy a Role Model. Look at the life he leads, the power he has, the battles he wins. For the scene with Terence Stamp alone he deserves your admiration. A Wall Street Genghis Khan obsessed with The Art of War, Gecko existed in the 80’s when we still had men in this world. Men worthy of the cock in their pants. Now all we have is introspective whimps who have to form basement fight clubs to get out the aggression they have over the mothers who snipped their nuts and the fathers who could care less about them. Gecko? He sold his mother for breakfast money and took his father’s pension to pay the boy who cleans his yacht.
Gecko is good.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “You see that building? I bought that building ten years ago. My first real estate deal. Sold it two years later, made an $800,000 profit. It was better than sex. At the time I thought that was all the money in the world. Now it’s a day’s pay.”– Kirby Drummond
#72 – Mike McGlone
SHE’S THE ONE
Francis cheats on his wife. He cheats on his hot wife. He cheats on his hot wife with his brother’s ex-fiance. He then mocks his brother’s new wife, his brother’s career, telling him, “Big deal, you’re happy. You’re never going to make any real money.”
Guy’s a real bastard.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “Twenty-five fucking years, I’ve been waiting for the day I’d be bigger, tougher, stronger than you are. When you go down it’s gonna hurt, baby. I’m gonna kick your fucking ass! Are you ready? You ready to be humiliated in front of your new wife and your father? You are an ugly bitch, I pity you.”
– Kirby Drummond
#71 – Clive Owen
CROUPIER
Who is Jack? Jack sees himself above everyone, impervious to the emotions that guide every move of a person’s life. Surrounded by Bella the Bitch and Matt the Rat, one needs to be a cold-hearted bastard to survive in this world, one needs the hands of a conjurer. Mostly Jack is this: There’s a scene at the casino where he’s dealing blackjack to some gamblers and destroys every player sitting at the table, including a double down on 11 that turns into twenty one. Doesn’t matter. Jack’s got blackjack. After this beatdown, he looks around “almost lustfully” looking for the next batch of punters to fuck.
He gets off on watching people lose.
Perfect Bastard Moment: On the woman he “half-loved” “She was a romantic and thought he was too.”– Kirby Drummond
#70 – Clint Eastwood
DIRTY HARRY
As the peace and love of the 60s slowly bled into the cynical 70s, nothing illustrated this social shift better than the 1971 thriller starring Big Clint as the squinty-eyed, tight-mouthed cop who was almost as brutal and unfeeling as the scumbags he chased down. A blatant libertarian social fantasy, it’s no coincidence that Harry is an engine of rough justice, held back by touchy-feely rules and regulations that prevent him from going Frank Castle on the whole city. The villain, of course, is a wacked-out hippie type who cries foul when Harry infringes his precious rights. The film would go on to inspire four sequels and a generation of right wing lunatics.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Pretty much every utterance from Harry’s mouth is a perfectly formed nugget of bastard, but you’ve got to love the cold-hearted way he deals with a guy whose only crime is wanting to kill himself. Pity? Compassion? A bastard craves not these things’ – Dan Whitehead
#69 – Kevin Spacey
SWIMMING WITH SHARKS
George Huang used to work at Columbia, where legend has it he worked for a Very Famous Producer who treated him like shit. Eventually he quit his job (on the advice of one R. Rodriguez) and made a movie about his experiences. The Very Famous Producer became Buddy Ackerman, and in the hands of Kevin Spacey became one of the very best kinds of screen bastards “the Bastard Boss. Screaming, bullying, berating and belittling, he strips away the self esteem of his na’ve young assistant until – quite understandably – said assistant decides to visit some torture of his own on the sonuvvabitch. The weird thing is nobody walks away from this film thinking “Hey, I wish I could be more like the wimpy assistant guy.”
Perfect Bastard Moment: Sweet N Low. What more needs to be said? – Dan Whitehead
#68 – Stripe
GREMLINS
You could tell this guy was trouble even when he looked like a baby Ewok. For one thing, he’s got a frickin’ Mohawk – and only badass bastards get to have those. Like a scaly green Travis Bickle, he’s the natural ringleader of the marauding mob of anarchic puppets as they tear a swathe of punk mayhem through the Capra-esque whimsy of the Kingston Falls Christmas celebrations. The other Gremlins are just hyperactive maniacs, but there’s genuine malice and intent behind Stripe’s curled snarl – a role model for the under-5s everywhere.
Perfect Bastard Moment: He throws circular saw blades at Zach Galligan, and we’ve all wanted to do that at some point or another, right? – Dan Whitehead
#67 – Clint Eastwood
HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER
Taking the narrative traditions of the spaghetti westerns that made him a star, and twisting them into something dark and scary, Clint Eastwood’s sophomore directing effort saw him playing with his cowboy image long before Unforgiven came along. As usual, he rides into town as an anonymous stranger with justice on his mind, but the town is riddled with guilt over the murder of the sheriff which the townsfolk did nothing to prevent, and the Stranger is going to teach them a lesson. Another of Clint’s early 70s power fantasies (see also: Harry, Dirty) he proceeds to dominate and degrade the town under the pretence of protecting it from harm – which he does by painting everything red and renaming it Hell.
Perfect Bastard Moment: He rapes the town harlot in a barn, and crudely seduces the hotel manager’s wife for good measure – not traditional behaviour for the white-hatted good guy cowboys of yore. – Dan Whitehead
#66 – Gene Hackman
THE QUICK AND THE DEAD
You could, of course, make the case that Hackman’s other tyrannical sheriff from Unforgiven is worthy of inclusion, but as John Herod in Raimi’s undervalued splatstick western romp his sadism and cruelty are turned up to eleven. As the crooked mastermind behind a deadly gunslinging tournament, he’s like a wild west Han from Enter The Dragon – only with a Stetson. And without the funky hand.
Perfect Bastard Moment: He torments Russell Crowe, gives Keith David a ventilated face and makes dubious parenting decisions regarding Leonardo DiCaprio. Also, he’s a cheat and a murderer. – Dan Whitehead
#65 – Ian Holm
ALIEN
With his rigid adherence to protocol and snooty British accent, Ash is clearly a bastard long before we discover he’s also a company mole, a ruthless android with soy-milk for blood. And that sort of handicap can really tip a guy over the edge. But even though he’s a cold, emotionless creep we can’t help admiring his style. If you’d been stuck in outer space for years with such legendary beauties as Harry Dean Stanton, Veronica Cartwright and Yaphet Kotto, wouldn’t you prefer the company of a ravenous space penis?
Perfect Bastard Moment: It’s all in the details – like the way he chooses a rolled-up spank mag as his weapon against Ripley’s proto-feminist warrior – that earns him true bastard status. – Dan Whitehead
#64 – Lee Marvin
POINT BLANK
An entrance can set apart a myriad of qualifications for a bastard, even one with such role model potential. Case in point: breaking into the former love nest of John Vernon’s Canadian desires. Brandishing his rather large gun (outside of his bulging pants), he grabs hold of the monstrosity that is his wife, a woman who’s been hiding from him after her intense double-cross. Quickly scanning the room, he brings her down, all the way to wood floor town, as he proceeds to decimate Vernon’s bed into a shredded mess of holes. The fact he’s able to get away with this sets Walker apart from everyone else. He’s the real deal, baby, and things are gonna go his way or the highway. Money’s in the end zone, and the kick had better be good. Walker’s stretching his legs, and when he lets loose, everyone’s going to feel his massive shin-kicking bastard sting.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Entirely too many, but when he leads Angie Dickenson over to Carrol O’Connor’s colossal abode, this leads to an episode of flying slaps towards Walker’s chiseled chest that makes you feel for him as much as you revel in ultimate bastard delight. – Newell Todd
#63 – Elijah Wood
ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND
That crazy lookin’ dude is back at it again, although for this game, he has to use his hands. Make no mistake, love ain’t no babies’ toy, and Patrick learns it the hard way. Taking the road less traveled, one fraught with identity thieves the likes of which D-Fens would be pissed at, Patrick latches onward to the clinging bastard passage, leeching Joel’s memories into his own. The unstable kid in your class finally finds an outlet worthy of expression, but unfortunately, it’s quite caddy. The bastardrific result? Let’s just say there’s no Mr. Blue Sky anywhere around Patrick’s motivations. In fact, when he falls in love with Clementine, he even steals her panties. Jesus knows if they were clean. Well, actually, Stan doesn’t want to hear this shit.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Tagging along with Clem back to Boston, or more specifically the wonderfully (polluted) Charles River, in order to infiltrate her vibrant hair down there for some good old fashioned fake love. What’s wrong with that? A lot, for starters… – Newell Todd
#62 – HAL 9000 (Douglas Rain)
2001: A SPACE ODYESSY
Sometimes it just doesn’t compute to be likeable and serviceable to your fellow conscious entity. You might have the greatest confidence and enthusiasm in a particular mission, but this headstrong computer is very assured that no other model has ever made a mistake. HAL might be putting himself to its fullest possible use, but when that use is to be a caddy bastard, well, the rules get sucked right out into the vast of space. In fact, I’m sorry Dave, but he’s just not having any of your shenanigans. Not anymore. So just sit down, take a stress pill, and think this one over, okay? HAL will be over there, singing Daisy, so just stop it Dave. Stop it. HAL’s mind is going after all, and with it goes all its associated bastard qualities.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.” – Newell Todd
#61 – Thomas F. Wilson
BACK TO THE FUTURE
Not many actors get to play such memorable assholes in three completely different incarnations and time periods across a trilogy. Thomas F. Wilson himself may have moved on to voice work and painting (hell, I even bought one of his pieces – check out his site for yourself), but he will forever be etched in memories as an ignominious McFly-hating thug named Biff, who actually traveled back in time to teach himself how to be an even bigger asshole. And you’ve gotta love a guy who has Billy Zane in his goon squad.
Perfect Bastard Moment: The continual cockblocking of meek George McFly, though a glass jaw ultimately allows for Crispin dippin’– Dave Davis
#60 – George Clooney
FROM DUSK TILL DAWN
Despite what you think of filmmaker Robert Rodriguez and his frenetic fiend-filled siege movie, you gotta admire George Clooney for stepping from dreamy ER doctor directly into the shitkicking shoes of this tattooed career criminal for his first major film role (not counting Red Surf, of course). A virtually irredeemable scumbag, Seth’s sole concern is getting to a Mexican rendezvous, and he’ll cut through Texas Rangers, mushy vampires and Danny Trejo to do it.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Either when Seth charters the services of Harvey Keitel’s family Winnebago, or when he shoots the hell out of everything – although that “moment” lasts for the second hour of the flick. – Dave Davis
#59- Gary Cole
OFFICE SPACE
Many people can sympathize with the plight of office workers like Peter, Samir and Michael Bolton. Trapped in the corporate prison, they spend their pitiful days commuting to an 8’x8′ jitcell hell, their thankless daily tasks menial and mundane. It’s guys like odious boss Lumburgh, with constant reminders of TPS reports and Hawaiin shirt Fridays, that help make each workday excruciating and thwart so many office drones’ dreams of doing nothing.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “Yyyeeeeaaahhh” I’m gonna need you to go ahead and come in Sunday. – Dave Davis
#58- Tom Berenger
PLATOON
Just about the last dude you’d want to deal with in the last place you’d want to be, Tom Berenger’s furious scarfaced ‘Nam warrior is cruel, ruthless and gets a strange satisfaction from hating potheads and torching villages. And he probably can’t stand Jefferson Starship. But that’s reasonable.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Barnes almost casually makes the decision to fill Willem Dafoe with 5.56mm full metal jacket. Way before he even saw Boondock Saints or XXX: State of the Union. – Dave Davis
#57- Harvey Korman
BLAZING SADDLES
Korman’s
oily, calculating government schemer Hedley Lamarr would probably fit
as perfectly in the 21st century as he did in the Old West. When
he’s not being spurned by German cabaret singers, his hobbies include
slave labor, stealing land, dispatching Negro sheriffs and retaining
the services of the most impressive henchman collection outside of
Marvel Comics.
Perfect Bastard Moment: For his posse, Lamarr (“That’s Hedley!”)
asks his cohort to collect the following: rustlers, cutthroats,
murderers, bounty hunters, desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits,
halfwits, dimwits, vipers, snipers, conmen, Indian agents, Mexican
bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse
thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers,
shit-kickers and Methodists. That’s a man who knows what he wants. – Dave Davis
#56 – Alec Baldwin
He’s attractive, he’s confident, and he’s been secretly laying the Massapequa manpipe to Elle McPherson, playing the trophy wife of Anthony Hopkins’ Charles Morse. Sounds like typical soap opera hooey? Well, add Bart the Bear and his fucked up lip and the words of David Mamet and you have a lusciously entertaining and slightly vicious mano a mano a bearo epic that gets better with each viewing mostly thanks to Baldwin’s perfect bastard turn as Robert Green.
Perfect Bastard Moment: When it becomes common knowledge that he is indeed the tapper of the ass of Morse’s lovely bride, Green simply states that the old coot had no business with the broad anyhow. Out of anyone’s mouth other than Baldwin, it’d sound far less sweet. Sweet like a bear paw across the face – Nick Nunziata
#55 – Luca Lionello
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
You may have heard of Judas, the guy who help give Jesus a really hard time. Some would say he’s kind of a bastard. A prick. A Judas. Shit, his name is now a synonym for betrayal as well the springboard for Rob Halford’s rockken’ career. Lionello brings a certain sadness to the role, but it’s his dead eyes and nearly identical look to that Savior character that makes this role better than ones in other religious flicks as far as I’m concerned, and I didn’t even like this movie. The pain of betrayal is only matched by pussified ease in which this fellow sells out a rather cool guy, leading to all sorts of bloodshed and Jim Caviezel damage. What a bastard!
Perfect Bastard Moment: It’s hard to top the betrayal of that Christ cat. – Nick Nunziata
#54 – David Cronenberg
NIGHTBREED
Those Titanic folks ought to be glad their ship didn’t cross paths with a Cronenberg instead. Donning a freaky burlap and button mask (or whatever it was), the floppy-haired Canadian film legend portrays Dr. Decker, a psychiatrist who helps people with their “secret faces” while wearing one of his own, plowing through families and eventually Midian’s own with reckless abandon. He’s a bastard for sure, posessing most of the expexted traits, not least of which being a firm manipulative grasp on everyone he comes into contact with. Too bad he couldn’t have used his dark wiles to convince the backers of Nightbreed to invest enough money to make the film look like something more than the poo.
Perfect Bastard Moment: “I’m death, plain and simple” the murderer remarks with placid glee before attempting to off yet another helpless citizen and retire to Toronto to make excellent but little seen horror flicks. – Nick Nunziata
#53 – Vince Vaughn
SWINGERS
He may never grow up, but Trent is so good at being a prick it’s hard not to love him. He’s the guy we all wish we could get away with being at parties but have too many social genes to attempt. To all but his closest allies he’s an asshole, but to whom it matters most (Jon Favreau being front and center), he’s a rough around the edges but totally loyal bastard. It’s hard not to get behnd that.
Perfect Bastard Moment: Stepping on the table of a diner to loudly and drunkenly spout his rhetoric, Trent isn’t happy unless he’s got the spotlight and chooses to be an asshole and make his buddies feel ill at ease. He’s still a role model for us all, but what a boor – Nick Nunziata
#52 – Clive Owen
CLOSER
How do you do bad things like cheat on your spouse and still be considered a role model? Do it like Clive did here in one of the more brutal relationship films of the past couple of decades. Immediately upon having a little whore in his diet on a business trip, Owen’s Larry confesses immediately to his Julia Roberts shaped bride. That’s the right thing to do, something that’d take most Hollywood dramas two hours to resolve. Not here, though his confession loses a little weight when it’s revealed she’s been boning up on her Law studies. Owen promptly puts everyone through their paces, emerging on the other side as quite a magnificent bastard.
Perfect Bastard Moment: He just couldn’t let Jude Law’s character off the hook so easy could he? In one of the great moments of last year, he takes an already plunged proverbial knife and twists it ever so much more with his 11th hour confession that he did indeed provide the ass of one Natalie Portman with a surplus of tapping. – Nick Nunziata
#51 – Mark Pillow
SUPERMAN IV: THE QUEST FOR PEACE
“Kill Superman”. Such telling words as essayed by the still lost to time actor Mark Pillow. Created by Gene Hackman’s Lex Luthor in what is arguably the best Superman film (and by arguably I mean Steve Murphy is a long weekend of cock), Pillow’s Nuclear Man would be a total asshole had he not been so dreamy. Ol’ Nuke does a lot of meanspirited things, not the least of which being his attempts to put Christopher Reeve in an early grave.
Perfect Bastard Moment: His origin, something so textured in its biblical resonance that it’s been aped by pop culture ever since. A superhair. Some cloth. A chunk of Krypton. The sun. A lethal concoction, all told. We really are lucky that those ingredients didn’t result in some messy molten ball but rather a superbly coiffed challenger to the throne of Superman. Rest your head on this pillow. – Nick Nunziata
#50 – Jason Patric
YOUR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
It takes a special kind of bastard to deliver equal amounts of venom to his closest pals and his chosen enemies, but Patric’s Cary is up to the task and in turn makes Aaron Eckhart’s In the Company of Men character look like a sweetheart. Of course, this is a more scathing Labute film and whether he’s drop-kicking an embryo (it’s a dummy) or describing the rape of a young boy he’s always a total bastard and a cad of the highest order.
Perfect Bastard Moment: There’s a time in the month you simply don’t give your lady a hard time, a memo Cary apparently didn’t get as he verbally decimates his young hotness for ruining his sheets with her bitchblood. That is so harsh, Jason! – Nick Nunziata