“In the blink of an eye, the terror begins.”

– The marketing for Tobe Hooper’s1985’s Lifeforce

You ain’t kidding. We went from having a David Twohy directed, Lloyd Levin produced, and Idris Elba starring Alex Cross movie to having a Rob Cohen directed one starring Tyler Perry. That is like going on a date with Natalie Portman, having her tell you all night about how many sets of bedsheets you’re going to ruin with marathon sex, and then waking up with Mindy Cohn still attached to your bereaved and battered pecker.

For those who aren’t aware, the Alex Cross series is a really fun mainstream bunch of crime novels by moneymaking machine James Patterson adapted into a passable flick in Kiss the Girls and a nightmarish one in Along Came a Spider.

For those who aren’t aware, Tyler Perry is like Bambi’s mom dying all the time every day.

You have to give the man credit. He has built an empire on dogshit. He is an amazing and tireless businessman who obviously has a phenomenal work ethic and networking skills to be reckoned with. It’s just that his movies and television shows are absolute horrors. Wretched stuff. And he owns Atlanta, which is where I happen to live and have spent the vast majority of my life. When people think of movies and Atlanta they now think of Tyler Perry. I’m sure he’s a great guy and he’s given hundreds of entertainment jobs to people who have benefited from them. But his movies are the worst.

But the thing is: They’re HIS movies. He has his own brand. His own studio.

But now he’s fucking up something real. Something that’s not his brand but something else that had the potential to be a lot of fun. He’s already taken me out of a Star Trek movie with his presence. That was enough.

And there is no one out there as cool as Idris. No one.

Yes, Idris Elba is not someone who can get a tentpole picture made… but neither was Keanu Reeves at one point. Nor any other person who’s ever been a star. This could have been that movie.

Instead it’s Rob Cohen and Tyler Perry. You’re welcome. Why don’t you come over here and poison my soup while you’re at it.

Thanks to Deadline for absolutely nothing.